“I made a mistake that I wanted to cover up,” began tonight’s Made In Chelsea series five opener – the words of greasy lothario Spencer Matthews following his attempts to conceal his adulturous night of passion from girlfriend Louise Thompson. The confession was a lapse in the new bullish demeanour Spenny appears to be cultivating for himself. In the hour-long season premiere he launched offensives on Francis, Louise, Jamie, Proudlock and Lucy. Impressive work.
The spat between Spencer and Francis, after the latter informed Louise’s best mates Millie and Rosie of her boyfriend’s cheating ways, has already found new life in the fifth series, with Mr Matthews labelling his adversary, “a grade A d**khead” and “a f**king pathetic loser” – somewhat ironic coming from a man who later chose to dress like a pimp in a giant fur coat and baseball cap. Spenny seemed to have got lost en route to Chelsea, ending up on the set of a nineties rap video. P Diddy, you ain’t.
Poor Francis was looking rather nervy for the duration of tonight’s episode, with Spencer out to settle a score. But the revelation that his long-time crush Sophia had checked out of their blossoming relationship at the end of last series had our hearts melting for the unlucky-in-love diamond heir. And when it came to his big confrontation with ranting Spencer, Boulle held his own, taking the moral highground in his defence of Louise – and ultimately winning his place in the Lost Boy abode along with Jamie and Proudlock. Francis 1-Spencer 0.
And for the sake of Jamie’s beleaguered bank manager, who all but broke out in a sweat as he read through his client’s recent accounts, their new “crib” could not come sooner. Meeting his young charge in a trashed hotel room following a raucous party the night before, the poor man was greeted by a sight for sore eyes as a very hungover Jamie, Proudlock and Andy crawled out of their beds.
And from three under-dressed boys to a trio of immaculate Chelsea ladies, the action switched to Millie, Binky and Rosie as they began discussing Spencer’s “meaty” cheeks after they made stinging contact with the palm of Millie’s hand at the end of last series. But it wasn’t long before conversation turned to Louise, whose cheating boyfriend had pulled the wool over her eyes, yet again. “I wouldn’t blame Spencer if he cheated on her again,” declared Millie – a callous remark greeted with Chelsea’s trademark awkward silence.
Poor, weepy Louise – not only is she lumbered with sleazy Spence, but her gal pals are beginning to lose patience with her. And the tears had begun to flow even before she found out about her boyfriend’s call to resident Chelsea flirt Lucy Watson the day after they broke up. Following the latest revelation you’d expect her other half to begin his grovelling campaign to earn her forgiveness, but not the Spencer of series five. His response? “You’re desperate. It’s a phonecall, get over it.” Cut and run, Louise. Cut. And. Run.
But in a series opener that introduced a new bevy of blonde and orange females – Olivia and Fran Newman-Young and their “fit” friend Phoebe Lettice Thompson – the highlight had to be witnessing the Sloaney gang transported to a sweaty Young Kato event for Andy’s birthday. “The band look quite dirty,” remarked Rosie to Binky, whilst Jamie and Proudlock gave Francis a lecture on how to dress for a gig. There are simply no words for the expressions on the faces of Victoria and Mark-Francis.
And while Cheska was noticably absent from tonight’s episode, her housemate Ollie had a surprise revelation in store as his romance with co-star Ashley James was revealed to her former fling, Francis. The pair were later seen getting intimate in Ollie’s Chelsea flat as the bisexual author of Laid In Chelsea asked his new squeeze to become his girlfriend. N’aww.
So, following a dramatic first episode what can we look forward to in the rest of MIC’s fifth series? Spencer’s vitriolic campaign to destroy Francis looks set to rumble on for the foreseeable future, with Jamie and Proudlock awkwardly overseeing the animosity between their two best friends. Meanwhile, it appears Louise’s damp squib routine is here to stay as her boyfriend repeatedly humiliates her. Binky seems to have been promoted to general peacekeeper to the Sloaney gang, lending an ear and solving the problems of her girlfriends following the demise of her friendship with Cheska. And glamorous newbies Livia, Fran and Phoebe have yet to wreak havoc on the hearts of Chelsea’s eligible gentlemen, not to mention the introduction of new man-candy Josh Coombs. Clear your Monday night schedules for the foreseeable future…