1. Punacceptable If you’ve not been watching Michael Portillo’s chuffingly jolly Great British Railway Journeys on BBC2 then, as well as his stunning collection of colourful “dressed in the dark by Willy Wonka” outfits, you’ve also missed the former Tory MP’s array of quite mind-bendingly awful puns. Someone’s compiled the pick of them on YouTube.
That was even worse than you could possibly have imagined, wasn’t it? It’s verging on mental illness. The poor, poor man.
2. The party trick, cubed What the… how is he… I don’t even… blimey.
Yep, that would appear to be a man juggling two balls and a Rubik’s cube, then solving the Rubik’s cube while continuing to juggle. We wouldn’t be able to do this, because you need two hands to peel the little stickers off and carefully rearrange them.
3. Water palaver Hot footage from (apparently) the Kazakhstan football league, where a hapless player struggles with an area of the pitch that’s not so much waterlogged as half-lake.
Can I take the corner from the nearest bit of the pitch that isn’t ankle-deep in rainwater, ref? No. No you can’t. Get on with the game, son.
4. Hold me closer Back to somewhere in Russia or roundabouts for this blast of pure joy, as a holiday resort’s poolside step aerobics class is crashed by a man who very much embodies the dictum “dance like nobody’s watching”. Add a bit of sunstroke and, we suspect, about half a litre of vodka and you get THIS:
The guy is a natural: watch as he plugs any gaps in the instructor’s routine with his own flourishes, like a cross between Russell Grant and Louie Spence. You think he can’t keep it up for nearly five minutes but oh, yes he can.
5. […] OK so it’s not a video, it’s a clip from the end of last Sunday’s Broadcasting House on Radio 4. But what the hell: this is, if you’ll forgive us for leaving you in a pool of your own tears for the rest of Friday, quite something.
Emilie Blachère reads a poem she wrote for her boyfriend Rémi Ochlik, a photographer killed in the fighting in Syria. When she finishes, host Paddy O’Connell can’t speak for a full ten seconds and struggles to close the show.