Sarah Millican: I wish My Mad Fat Diary had existed when I was in teenage hell

"My Mad Fat Diary depicts what Hollyoaks does not. That different is hard, but ultimately best"

If you were ever a teenager and have not yet caught the brilliant My Mad Fat Diary (Mondays E4) then you are missing out. I only wish such a show had existed 20 years ago when I was in teenage hell. The way I remember my teenage years is possibly not exactly how it happened. I’m sure one boy liked me (aside from the one who bit his wart off to show his affection). I’m sure some of the girls liked my company (they show their interest by gathering in small groups and looking over occasionally, right?). I’m sure some of the kids rated grades above acquisition of the new Kylie tape (who am I kidding?).


There were possibly things I could have done to help myself.

1. Not got all those perms (mine was soft like a nana’s. Not crunchy like the girls at school)

2. Not worn glasses (stupidly, I wanted to be able to see)

3. Grown boobs (I was happy in my vest)

4. Been better at PE (that’s a useful skill for adulthood *)

5. Passed fewer exams and not enjoyed homework (smartness is not encouraged)

6. Not worn the wrong clothes **

I used to buy all of the magazines around Christmas as they listed ways to attract a man. It was mostly just wearing a top that showed your boobs (only a top with false boobs on it would have done that) and shoving mistletoe in their faces. You have no idea how weird you look, shoving a twig in the face of a boy you like in June.

What those magazines should say is leave well alone until college as teenage boys are more likely to rub a sneeze into their desk than look at you (that happened to me).

In my GCSE art class, we were told to bring something in from home to draw. All of the boys forgot and just took their trainers off. Resourceful, yes, but the classroom smelt like a cheese factory where all of the staff are teenage boys and have taken off their trainers.

Life is hard for teenagers. My dad said your school days were the best days of your life. I was horrified that it would get worse. Thankfully that proved to be rubbish. When I left school, I got a job, friends, a social life and was kissed by a boy. I’d had one kiss at school that I assumed was a dare. GCSEs, a love of learning and niceness got that job, not a massive fringe and a necklace of love bites. Ha.

My Mad Fat Diary depicts what Hollyoaks does not. That different is hard, but ultimately best.

(* sarcasm) (** different and sometimes home-made)

The Sarah Millican Television Programme is on Tuesday at 10:00pm on BBC2


Sarah’s stand-up DVD, Thoroughly Modern Millican Live, is now available at