Tom Cruise, bird poo and the best celebrity beauty treatments

Money can't buy you love - but it can introduce you to some seriously weird ways of looking young, it seems...

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Everyone’s got their own morning routine, but for most men a quick swizz in the shower, a brush of the gnashers and a swipe across the chops with a razor is more than enough to set them up for the day. Not for Tom Cruise, however, who’s reportedly taken to smearing his mug with bird poo in an attempt to stave off the ravages of time.

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And shockingly, “a source close to the actor” says that his regular face masks of nightingale excrement, rice bran and water are working.

“Tom doesn’t go in for Botox or surgery but he does pay close attention to all the new and popular natural treatments,” said this mysterious informant to the Irish Daily Star. “He recently started experimenting with the nightingale poo facial. It was recommended by a Hollywood pal and the results have been fantastic.”

Veteran consumers of celebrity gossip are unlikely to be fazed by these new claims about the Mission: Impossible star, though, as Victoria Bekcham has allegedly been using the same treatment since 2008. Well, blow me down…

Mind you, the rich and famous have been dousing themselves in all manner of unlikely unguents since Cleopatra drew her first bath of asses’ milk some 2000-odd years ago. So, to celebrate their fascination with icky-sounding beauty treatments through the ages, let’s have a look at some other bizarre ingredients the celebs swear by to keep them looking young and beautiful…

Placenta

Long thought to be of sole use to unborn babies to facilitate the to-ing and fro-ing of nutrients from mama to foetus, this transitory organ’s taken on a life of its own in Hollywood as the secret ingredient in popular rejuvenating face creams used by the likes of Eva Longoria, Katie Holmes, Jennifer Lopez and Madonna.

Urine

Eccentric Ryan’s Daughter actress Sarah Miles ascribes her health and vivaciousness to the fact that she’s drunk her own urine for the past 30-odd years. Citing Gandhi and Nero as her inspiration, she remarked: “It tastes like good beer. You take it mid-flow every evening and morning. You just swig it down. It tastes fine. Why does humanity have a problem with me drinking my own urine?” Why indeed.

White lead

Admittedly this hasn’t been deployed by many women for centuries, but in the time of Elizabeth I a pallid complexion was de rigueur for fashionable ladies and their whitening make-up came choc-full of lead, which slowly poisoned them with prolonged use. Even the poor old queen herself wasn’t immune to its effects and ended her days toothless and bald…

Red wine

Teri Hatcher’s apparently quite a fan of soaking herself in merlots, shirazes and clarets, which she claims help to firm her skin and improve its elasticity. Who knows, it might work. And even if it doesn’t, she could always just take a careful sip or two of her bath water to help guard against heart attacks.

Caviar

An elite foodstuff usually only nibbled on by Fortnum & Mason’s regulars, Angelina Jolie reportedly smeared her post-baby stretch marks with the eggs of Baerli sturgeon to banish the blemishes after the birth of her twins.

Snake venom

Want that Joan Rivers look but just can’t face being injected with Botox? No problem, just smear some serpent’s venom-infused remedy over your countenance and – voila! – your face’ll seize up nicely. Apparently it works for Debra Messing and a whole host of Hollywood’s leading ladies.

Their own blood

Another alternative to botox is this gruesome-sounding treatment, which involves drawing a quantity of blood out of the body, separating out the plasma, and injecting it back into the face. Dannii Minogue’s apparently a fan, and a chap in The Sun boasted that having it done left him looking a decade younger.

Feeling queasy after that lot? Heard of any other odd beuaty treatments we’ve missed? Post a comment and let us know… 

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