High-cheekboned Twilight star Robert Pattinson has outed himself as an enemy of brevity, claiming he’d like to kill, or at least gently asphyxiate, the poor dullard who first coined his nickname, R-Patz.
Speaking to the Guardian, the erstwhile Edward Cullen said: “When I got this part, every single article that came out was, ‘R-Patz’s struggle for credibility!’; I don’t understand who invented that thing, ‘R-Patz’ – I want to strangle them.”
But he makes an interesting point. After all, many celebs have to put up with their names being truncated or infantilised. In the case of a couple, they’re likely to be unceremoniously turned into a portmanteau for the convenience of people terrified of any utterance containing more than two syllables. I mean, just try it with your own name. See? Wouldn’t that get old pretty fast?
These things have a habit of sticking, though, and once applied are difficult to shift. Victoria Beckham, for instance, will always be Posh Spice to the media, and that’s one of the better celebrity sobriquets to appear on the cover of Heat. Unlike…
LiLo: Suitably cutsie-pie sounding to reflect her (then) child-star status, Lindsay Lohan’s truncated alias unfortunately makes her sound rather like something you’d find floating in a municipal swimming pool.
Brangelina: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are unlikely to ever fall on hard times, but with ‘bran’ as their collective prefix, they could always front a breakfast cereal should the film roles stop coming in.
CeCe: Courtney Cox’s nickname was likely coined by some joker who fancied themselves a modern-day Fonz or Top Cat but, said aloud, it sounds like Manuel from Fawlty Towers agreeing to something wholeheartedly.
SuBo: Short for Susan Boyle, this abridgement sounds like someone with a cold discussing a popular type of lardy Japanese wrestling.
Liver: Celebrity and offal are two concepts that don’t often have much to do with one another, the exception to this rule being Liv Tyler’s alias. If only there was someone out there in Hollywood with the surname Onions for her to form a double act with…
K-Fed: Kevin Federline’s nickname sounds like a notice you’d slap on meat products to warn buyers that the animals have been raised grazing on ketamine.
Gyllenspoon: Why Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal failed to licence this to at least one cutlery manufacturer while they were a couple, I’ll never know.
Xtina: Christina Aguilera’s thoroughly x-citing handle was apparently based on the principle of calling Christmas ‘Xmas’, but leaving aside any digs about Messiah complexes, it doesn’t work: surely it should’ve been Xina instead?
Madge: While Madonna’s admirers were probably aiming to reflect the ‘majesty’ of her status as Queen of Pop, I’m not sure they remembered that this had already been coined by Barbara Windsor in Carry on Henry…to describe Sid James.
Wacko Jacko: Hated by both Jackson and his loyal fans, this was a nickname favoured by the tabloid press for much of the singer’s life.
What’s your favourite celebrity nickname? Do you think Pattinson’s got any chance of ridding himself of R-Patz? Post a comment and let us know…