* A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”
* A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”
* My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
* Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once. He drank it.
* I don’t think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
* A guy goes into B&Q and says: “I’d like some nails please.” “How long would you like them?” “I want to keep them.”
* I rang British Telecom. I said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: “Not you again.”
* I was stopping in a nice hotel in Bolton. I said to the woman: “There’s a fly swimming in my soup.” She said: “There’s too much soup, it should be paddling.”
* A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife…”
* My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans’ lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.
* A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”