Hello. My name is Stuart, I’m 23 years old and I’m an addict.
Those are the words I uttered at this week’s inaugural PARTy meeting, better known as People Addicted to Reality Television.
Fortunately, they say the first step to recovery is admitting that you have a problem. Unfortunately, the evidence of mine is all around me.
You see, regular readers of Reality Bites will know that last week I joked about contracting “TOWIE-itis”. This made-up condition causes oranging of the skin and an unhealthy obsession with the ironically named “Brill” cream.
I thought I was being funny. Clearly, I was just tempting fate.
It’s perhaps the ultimate irony that I’m writing this week’s Reality Bites column from the Holiday Inn in Brentwood after a night of all the aforementioned sins at the Sugar Hut nightclub.
While memories of the night’s activities are scarce, like in the film The Hangover I’ve been trying to piece the night back together.
A vodka-soaked taxi receipt points to entering the club at approximately 10pm, while these Facebook photos suggest a) a chicken fillet is now missing its partner, b) an explosion at a fake tan factory and c) I may have actually pulled for the first time EVER.
It would seem painfully ironic for me to insult the cast of The Only Way Is Essex for being car crash. Nevertheless, as a former Apprentice candidate filled with obscene amounts of undeserved self-confidence, irony is something I can do very well.
We start, then, with Mario’s decision to send a Valentine’s sing-o-gram to his bit-on-the-side girlfriend, Lucy. Cheating boyfriends/husbands take note, nothing says forgive me quite like a cheesy rendition of a Bruno Mars hit, sung with all the finesse of an X-Factor first-round reject.
Elsewhere in TOWIE, Arg showed Lydia exactly what she was missing out on by going topless on the beach. Regrettably, though, he is probably the only member of TOWIE with real boobs.
It’s at this point I must address a niggling issue of mine. Every woman I ever meet – and, admittedly, that’s not very many – seems obsessed with emulating the TOWIE girls’ looks and getting with the TOWIE guys.
A look at Arg topless should surely be enough to put even the most die-hard of fans off any form of casual encounter. Maybe instead they should direct their affections to a certain super-famous ex-Apprentice star. Then again, I doubt Margaret would appreciate it.
Slickly segueing from a pair of breasts to a pair of skaters, this week’s Dancing on Ice saw more pseudo-melodrama than ever before. Jennifer Ellison managed to kick herself in the head, while Rosemary Conley got kicked off the show.
Sadly, owing to a severe Essex-induced hangover, I was unable to take in much more of the show or care about injured and overpaid celebrities.
Luckily, though, a fresh series of Britain’s Got Talent is just around the corner. I’m literally holding my breath with excitement.
Until next week,
Have you been affected by any of the issues in this week’s Reality Bites? If so, contact your local People Addicted to Reality Television support group.