How to be a Big Brother contestant

Scott Bryan browses the weird and wonderful - but mainly weird - submissions on YouTube...

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The celebrity version might be on right now, and the upcoming series may be the second “normal” Big Brother in only six months, but that won’t stop eager fame-hunters travelling from every corner of the country to audition.

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But in fact, now you don’t even need to leave your living room. By simply filming your audition and uploading it to YouTube, you can potentially be “fast-tracked” through the process (not only giving yourself exposure before the show, but saving yourself two hours of queuing).

But what is it that makes a great Big Brother housemate? I took to YouTube to find out. Some common themes emerged…

Be confident

Every Big Brother producer’s fear is housemates who lie around on the sofa with a hoodie over their heads, staring into space and only occasionally revealing their feelings. What they are looking for is someone who is confident in themselves and willing to do anything at any moment to make the show naturally interesting: such as have sex, have fights or meet Jedward.

This audition is a perfect example of someone who is confident enough to be on the programme. I will warn you though, the clip does contain (cupped) nudity… and some strong language.

Gild your lily

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Just as with your CV, it is worthwhile exaggerating to others your achievements so far in life: “I’ve been on This Morning already. Numerous publications around the UK. Numerous publications around Europe. I’m scandalous. I’m disgraceful. That’s what some people think. Others think I’m a transsexual entrepreneur.”  

Don’t be a drone

Learn here how not to do it. Whatever you do in your audition, don’t just list a whole series of qualities you think a potential contestant would have whilst sounding as excited as if you are on the phone to IT support.

Put it about a bit

Be open about your sex life. BB is known for being full of sexual exploits, even though any sex that actually happens ends up taking place underneath a duvet and full of incoherent sounds such as “MMMGHGHGFDFFFFHYDDFFFFF” and “UUUuuUGGGHHHHF” before, alas, being squeezed out of shot by the end credits and a plug for broadband from Yorkshire.

And with the show now on Channel 5 it is a necessary requirement in the audition process that you flaunt it a bit. Wear a low-cut top, shout about your previous conquests or, like this man, make boasts: “I would sleep with a married man, regardless whether he had kids. If he was curious and he was hot and he wanted to try it on with me, I would do it.” 

Showcase your interests

Some people like to go running. Some people like to go shopping. Some people like to sleep with married men, regardless of whether he has kids, is curious and hot and wants to try it on with me. What the producers want are people who are oddballs, people who are obsessive about different things – the quirkier your interests, the better.

So if you want in this year, look no further than Scott, who opens his audition by revealing to the camera: “I love to knit. I love to skateboard… I have got a real passion for looking at small albino creatures.” (Warning: Scott swears at the end. But he’s solid gold before that.)

Alienate everyone

And finally… there’s no room for liberal, forward-thinking, intellectual, direct-debit-to-charity charmers here. Nope. What Big Brother looks for are individuals who go out of their way to let you know how horrible they are, with statements such as: “Got more enemies than friends if I’m honest. Bit of a love or hate kind of guy, but mostly hate. I’d rather be known and hated than not known at all.”

Or: “I’m really dependent if I’m honest. In fact I should probably audition for Young, Dumb and Living off Mum. Except I’m not dumb, I’m actually really clever.”

Or indeed: “I’m a bully, I agree with bullying. Bullying is something that happens in the animal kingdom and people who I think are worse than me should be bullied for whatever.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErXNcK_te4g