Idea: Anything but the Kitchen Sink!™
Amount requested: £0.99p for a bucket of starch; £5.00 for a modified glue-gun; a Nobel Prize for services to the terminally idle
Equity offered: All the cut-price crockery industry shares you can bag once this baby hits the high street
Pitched by: Tom Cole
The pitch: How many times have you come home, tired and hungry after a hard day’s work, quite literally salivating at the thought of popping a ready meal into the microwave and settling down to a nice, quick dinner, only to discover that all your plates are completely caked with filth? You know the sort of thing: lasagne, chilli, maybe that kebab from the weekend you couldn’t be bothered to wash up at the time – the sort of grime that’s going to require some serious elbow grease.
Your heart sinks as you know that your dinner’s going to take a lot longer to prepare than you’d hoped. Dejectedly you reach for the Marigolds, your dreams of wolfing down a lamb korma in front of The One Show turning to dust.
We’ve all been there, we’ve all sworn about it, we’ve all resolved, time and again, to wash up more regularly. But no more!
With a quick squirt of this patented starch-based formula over your tableware, you can create a clear, non-toxic film to cover your cutlery, crockery, pots and pans, requiring nothing more than a quick tug to be rid of after you’ve eaten. Simply squirt to cover using our patented StarchGun™, serve and eat as normal, before just tearing off and tossing away the film after you’ve eaten. And as it’s starch-based, the film’s 100% bio-degradable. In fact, you could even compost with it!*
Finally the perennial horror of the washing-up is averted, meals can be enjoyed without the thought of the terrible labour lurking at their end and plate designs need never fade. Give me good times, give me laughter, give me Anything but the Kitchen Sink! ™
Idea: Talking Furniture™
Amount requested: £149.99 and a ride in Deborah Meaden’s Porsche
Equity offered: 99 per cent of talkingfurniture.com™, a signed photo of Henry Kelly and a 50 per cent discount on an off-peak mini break at any UK Center Parcs resort*
Pitched by: Tim Glanfield
The pitch: Time waits for no man (or woman) in the 21st century, that’s for sure. It’s hard to find a moment to even check our pulses every 24 hours, let alone look in the mirror (or stand on a pair of domestic scales) to monitor our weight.
You know the score. You live alone, you get home from work exhausted, kick back on the sofa with a 1.5kg latticework pork and bramley apple pie and six cans of Boddingtons… before you know it, it’s bed time. Keep doing this night in night out and pretty soon, your workmates are calling you Free Willy.
But such teasing is now something of the past, thanks to an all-new range of weight sensitive armchairs and sofas from Talking Furniture™.
Not only does the furniture look good, it’s fitted with clever proprietary technology that monitors your weight and tells you when you’re packing on the pounds.
There are five severity levels available, ranging from a polite nudge towards the gym on level one to an electric shock and a stream of four-letter word abuse on level five.
Talking Furniture™ also allows users to download a range of celebrity voices to their device. At present Su Pollard and Calum Best are confirmed for the range.
*further terms and conditions apply
Amount requested: £117,250
Equity offered: 2 per cent
Pitched by: Paul Jones
The pitch: Gentlemen. As you know, a good business idea is all about finding a solution to a common problem. The problem in this case? Too many romcoms, not enough action films. The solution? ExplodoVision!
We’ve all encountered this issue. You’ve had a tough day at work and just want to put your feet up in front of the TV and watch a relaxing action movie or two. You flick through the listings and – other than a third-rate Steven Seagal film (that you’ve already seen) on Channel 5 – it’s all romantic comedies. What to do?
You could watch your DVD of Die Hard again, but even John McClane has to take a break from fighting terrorism once in a while. You need ExplodoVision! This viewing enhancement system (VES) uses “unique” technology – already patented in Malta, Wales and parts of the Congo – to turn the soppiest movie into a macho thrill-fest.
Just don the special viewing glasses and in-the-ear headphones, select an intensity setting and sit back and watch Love Actually – as a great action movie! ExplodoVision! adds explosions, flying body parts, machine-gun fire and macho dialogue to any movie. And if it can make Sex and the City 2 watchable, imagine what it can do to a film that’s already an action movie! In fact, imagine what it can do to real life! Bored at work? Watch your boss explode in a dazzling ball of flame as a guttural voice declares: “Your contract has been terminated!”
And the most exciting thing about ExplodoVision! for the shrewd investor? The possibilities for expanding the technology into other lines. One for the ladies – RomantoVision! could turn action films into romantic comedies. For the youngsters, X-rated movies would become populated by friendly cartoon characters. The list is literally endless…
Idea: Phone My Keys™
Amount requested: £20,000 and a tennis lesson from Peter Jones
Equity offered: 5 per cent of Phone My Keys™ and Pippa Middleton’s phone number
Pitched by: Helen Hackworthy
The pitch: If I had a pound for every time I lost my keys, I’d be a millionaire. In fact, it might have been me, not Hilary Devey, replacing James Caan in the fifth Dragons’ chair, with a pile of lovely red banknotes at my side.
Almost every morning, I’m running around trying to find where I put my keys when I got home the night before. In my coat pocket? Too obvious. On the plant shelf by the front door? A security risk, we’re told. In my handbag? I never put my keys in there – it’s a black hole.
You might not be surprised to learn I also regularly mislay my phone. But the beauty of a phone is that you can ring it to discover its whereabouts. Wouldn’t it be great if I could phone my lost keys in the same way?
I present to you Phone My Keys™: a small pager-like device to add to your keyring that rings when called. Personal ringtones can be added (though Urban Cookie Collective singing “I’ve got the key/I’ve got the secret” might prove annoying after a while), or maybe just a simple recorded message: “Over here, MORON!”
Phone My Keys™: the key to untold riches. Dragons, are you in?