Teleprompt: Geordie Shore

It's MTV's latest production, it's set in Newcastle and it's causing a stir... but what is it?

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So, what’s Geordie Shore all about, then?

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It’s MTV’s latest offering, a reality TV show following the antics of
eight semi-comprehensible chums as they live together and cavort around
sunny Newcastle.

And the point is?

Well, the eight ‘characters’ have never met before, so we suppose it
might be interesting to see how they all get on. Though with that
producer’s essential, the shared bedroom, we dread to think.

Is it anything like Jersey Shore?

Yes, exactly. This is the UK’s attempt to stuff their fingers in the
Jersey Shore pie and re-create some of the sheer magic that was.
However, the difference is the Geordie cohort make the Jersey bunch look
like great minds of the 21st century, while Newcastle makes Jersey look
like St Tropez.

So who’s in it?

Expect to see girls who make The Only Way Is Essex lot look the cutting
edge of sophistication and boys whose muscles are far bigger than their
brains. Now add some imported hair to the girls, and imagine griddling
them all for a few years on a hot grill and you should be around the
right level of tan. To cut things short – the type of folk who make me
resent being part of the human race.

That’s a bit harsh. Are there any characters to look out for?

Well, out of the girls there is lovely Charlotte, 20, who describes
herself thus: ‘Girls call me a s**t, ex-boyfriends call me a psycho and
my Mum calls me an idiot.’ I’ll let you make up your own mind on that
one. There is Vicky, whose former employment includes ‘working the
ropes’ at various Newcastle hot spots.

Over on the
boys’ side we have ‘ladies’ man Jay’, who dedicates his life to GTL.
That is gymming, tanning and laundry, a system he did not even
mastermind – he learnt it off his Jersey Shore mates. We can only
imagine the dilemmas the poor lad faces on a day-to-day basis. I wonder
if the order can be broken?

Sounds tough. What’s happened so far?

The first episode was a smorgasbord of visual delights, a testament to
quality television. After the formal introductions were over, we were
treated to an hour of bar fights, swearing, and what has become the
currency of popular reality TV: lots and lots of nudity (in a hot tub,
double points to MTV).

At one point, my poor TV box played host
to a whole sequence dedicated to someone throwing up into a toilet. I
think this might have been intended to be entertainment. What I learnt
from the first episode: there could well be a Geordie Shore baby by the
end of the series.


Sounds frightening. What do the critics reckon?

Inevitably it has faced some harsh, but due, criticism. Although, as The
Only Way Is Essex proved with their Bafta win, critics no longer matter
– it’s all about the audience. On that note, if you do enjoy this
programme, could you please give me a ring, as I question your
existence.

Can you sum it up for me?

The bastard love child of Big Brother and The Only Way Is Essex. Prepare
to leave any standards with the opening credits, and may God be with
you. This truly is reality TV at its most vulgar. 

Surely it can’t really be that bad? What else have they got in store?

I dread to think. I suspect more of the same. So that would be more
snogging, talking guff and getting hammered. However, MTV are feebly
attempting to give the show some structure and the characters are
expected to get jobs together shortly.

But fear not, this fame-hungry lot are determined not to be ‘boring’,
which I think means they will do pretty much anything to keep the
interest of viewers.

How exciting! When’s it on?

Exciting, indeed! If it’s true entertainment you’re after, tune in to MTV, Tuesdays at 10:00pm.

Will it be a success?

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This may be terrible, but acknowledging the current influx of the
dim-witted lighting up our screens in the Bafta-winning The Only Way Is
Essex and Made in Chelsea, this made us think: this thing might have
legs. Could this be the televisual rapture?