Can we call Dangerous Game a movie?
Not only is there barely a plot to speak of, but more importantly it doesn’t actually star any actors. At all.
The first trailer for this utterly baffling film not only involves Darren Day doing the dodgiest Russian accent, but also involves Darren Day doing the dodgiest Russian accent. Seriously, it’s the best thing about this whole affair.
The plot, such as it is, sees Calum Best playing a Premiership footballer (his Dad’s George Best remember) called Chris Rose, who gets embroiled in murky dealings with Russian Mafia bosses who need him to rob petrol stations and shoe shops (eh?) whilst wearing a plastic mask of Calum Best’s face.
Assisted later on by Wayne Rooney.
Essentially, it’s the sort of straight-to-DVD vehicle that Danny Dyer would have starred in circa 2010.
Sadly, the budget for Dangerous Game could only stretch to roping in a rag tag bunch of celebrities that you’d be more likely to run into down Faces on a Saturday night than on a cinema screen.
Lucy Pinder (of FHM fame), Ricky Rayment (of TOWIE fame), Alex Reid (of Katie Price fame), someone from Ex on the Beach, someone else from Love Island and – almost more random than all of them put together – Darren Day’s wife appear in the film.
That’s not forgetting former The Real Hustle presenter Jessica Jane Stafford doing the worst Russian accent we’ve ever heard. Which quickly becomes the second worst Russian accent we’ve ever heard after Darren Day rocks up looking and sounding as menacing as Gary Lineker.
The dialogue is just as hilarious as the cast list. Such gems include: “Well mate, you know what they say? A friend helps you move but a true friend helps you move a dead body” (has anyone ever said that?) and “Why would a Premiership footballer perform an armed robbery? It just doesn’t make sense.” Well, quite.
Sadly, we’re going to have to wait a full five months to see the finished article. Dangerous Game is out on 16 June.