What is the weirdest death Midsomer Murders has ever had? Scott Bryan investigates...
Are the deaths becoming more ridiculous?
There have been 350 deaths in Midsomer Murders since the show started in 1997, but are they getting ever more ridiculous? (*cough* yes *cough*) Are they running out of ideas? And are any of the residents concerned that where they live has the highest murder rate in Europe? Like the Barnabys before me, I decided it was time to investigate, in this case by counting and analysing every death in every episode. I’ve even made graphs! This is premium content detective work! When is Midsomer Murders back on TV? Midsomer Murders’ Neil Dudgeon: “I’m not that popular” Midsomer Murders' Weirdest Deaths First, let’s take a look at some of the most WTF deaths in Midsomer Murders history. View oEmbed on the source website It includes... Being crushed to death by tins of relish after a forklift truck chase: My nightmare. It’s like an episode of Inside the Factory where the factory itself takes revenge. Even the man who dies here looks a bit like Gregg Wallace. Being electrocuted whilst holding on to a microphone during a rock concert: The ironic thing is that nobody realised she had been electrocuted. They assumed she was just hitting a high note. Having a heart attack after being crushed by a mountain of newspapers: We should not be debating the death of print media. We should instead be debating death by print media. Being tied to a bullseye in the garden and catapulted with bottles of wine: This has to be, without a doubt, the most middle class murder ever seen on television. It’s like the Waitrose of death. Also, who wastes red wine like this? C’mon. Being bitten by snakes in a room full of snakes: Apparently after you get killed by a snake they like to wrap around you as if you are wearing a fancy new necklace. And yes, that is Hugh Dennis. Fun Fact: the original pilot for Outnumbered featured snakes instead of children. Strangled whilst attempting to fix some sabotaged automatic doors: If I lived in a Grand Designs house, I would be afraid to use my doors. Suffocated after being wrapped to look like an Egyptian mummy: This is such a waste of toilet paper. If this had happened at University whilst I was staying in accommodation with shared toilets I would have been furious. Killed by a “meteorite” during a total eclipse: As we all know, the last total eclipse to take place in the United Kingdom was in 1999. I remember it being cloudy and the BBC coverage was presented by a rather disappointed Michael Buerk. The next total eclipse we will have in the UK? September 23rd 2090. So, it would have been impossible for Midsomer to encounter a total eclipse whilst the rest of the country didn't. It's the most ridiculous thing to happen in Midsomer since literally any of the 350 murders. Hit by a tyre from a flying aircraft whilst running through a cornfield: To be honest, what a faff. Burnt alive in a giant wicker-man: Surely this is copyright infringement? Martine McCutcheon getting crushed by a giant wheel of cheese: Yep. This happened. What a day for Martine McCutcheon. She wasn’t even in the episode for more than a couple of minutes. Her day must have been: turn up, make-up, check script, work out how to react to being crushed by cheese, film it, laugh about it, receive pay cheque. Her character wasn’t called Martine, but I wish she was. I couldn’t even be bothered to rewind to find out what they called her. “That’s a lot of cheese,” said DCI Barnaby when he turns up at the crime scene not long afterwards. Stabbed while dressed as Jane Austen whilst being filmed by a drone: This is either (a) the worst Black Mirror episode ever or (b) the writers chose deaths by picking them out of a bin. Electrocuted by a spinning wheel that had been tampered with: She didn’t even bet before she touched the wheel FFS. Drowned in a bowl of hard boiled eggs and jellied eels: Everyone is so used to death by now that the dead person’s housekeeper (above left) didn’t even react to it. She decides to finish drinking and drying her cup of tea before ringing the police. For the latest news and expert tips on getting the best deals this year, take a look at our Black Friday 2021 and Cyber Monday 2021 guides. Analysis So now we know the weirdest ways that people have died, let’s work out whether these deaths have become more ridiculous. To do this, we need to record exactly how every single person has died. To do this I kept a tally and created, without a doubt, the second most depressing spreadsheet to ever exist in my Google Sheets, the first being a list of my invoices and expenses. I eventually came up with this. Here are the top five ways to die on Midsomer Murders: 5. Poisoned or drugged = 33 deaths (Includes poisoned frog, being injected, mixing alcohol with ketamine, being bitten in a room full of snakes, eating biscuits laced with strychnine or touching violin strings laced with strychnine. This also means being withheld necessary drugs or getting chucked off a horse that is on drugs.) 4. Suffocation or frozen to death = 42 deaths (Includes death by being smothered by a pillow, getting wrapped up to be an Egyptian mummy, strangled by violin string, death by drowning and drowning in a bowl of hard-boiled eggs.) 3. Natural causes = 44 deaths (This includes heart attack, stroke or being surprised into death. This also includes dying in battle, suicide or a death that was accidental and had nothing to do with the murder story.) 2. Assaulted = 62 deaths (This includes being hit by a candlestick, fire pan, golf club, wrench, hammer, bramble beater, log, gargoyle, meteor, bicycle chain or meat tenderiser. This also includes being clubbed, bludgeoned or hit by balls fired from a cricket machine. Oh and this also includes masonic ritual gone wrong.) 1. Stabbed or beheaded = 85 deaths (This includes being killed by fence, fork, fireplace stoker, pole, moon disk, poisoned quill, 18th century pike, antique sword, chandelier, umbrella poke, cricket stump, scissors and two prongs from the 16th century. This also includes being beheaded by piano wire whilst driving, having your throat slit or being killed by a guillotine.) And if you are a character on Midsomer Murders and you know you are hella gonna die, what's the most likely way you'll croak? So, have the deaths become more ridiculous? Well in short, YES. There was a turning point in approximately series six when someone drowned in ketchup. By the time in series fifteen that a character had a cardiac arrest, after falling from a roof, after thinking they had seen a headless horseman, I barely flinched. For me though, the biggest concern is not the number of deaths in Midsomer Murders, but how everyone is always so totally chill about the constant death rate. Nobody bats an eyelid, the community is never in shock and no links between any of these murders over multiple episodes are ever explored. Heck, the Barnaby detectives have even been witnesses at the exact moment when someone gets murdered. This has happened tens of times. Surely someone should at least suspect that there’s something a little bit odd going on? The Barnabys' first reaction when somebody pops their clogs right in front of them should not be “Oh lol, there goes another one!”.
What is the weirdest daytime discussion show on television? Scott Bryan investigates...
From pet ghosts to evil hot cross buns, what is the weirdest caption ever seen on daytime television?
None of us actually need to watch daytime television. All we need to do is look at the screen with the sound off every thirty minutes and stare at the WTF discussion caption that comes up on the screen. In fact, you don’t even need to turn the television on. Chances are, someone has already taken an image of it and shoved it on Twitter. But what is the weirdest caption daytime television has ever had? I’ve dipped through the archives to find some favourites along with the show they came from (thank you to the excellent Twitter account @daytimesnaps for being a good starting point). What this investigation has created is a wonderful and slightly unhinged stream of consciousness. And before you ask. Yes, all of these discussions are completely 100% real. What’s the weirdest ever celebrity segue on The One Show? Can TV show characters afford the houses they live in? How accurate are TV countdown shows? And why did we all get angry at Channel 5 over packets of crisps? “Is calpol like ‘heroin’ to children?” (This Morning) “Does your doorbell scare you?” (Loose Women) “Should Love Island be screened in schools?” (Loose Women) “Should Prince William be allowed to go bald?” (This Morning) “Do ghosts exist?” (Loose Women) “Is my dog gay?” (This Morning) View oEmbed on the source website “Do animals have souls?” (Loose Women) “Should firefighters stop rescuing people’s pets?” (Jeremy Vine) “Would you clone your pet?” (Loose Women) "Have you ever been visited by the ghost of a former pet?" (Loose Women) “Should a sandwich be politically correct?” (This Morning) “How many sprouts should you have?” (Loose Women) “Are hot cross buns evil?” (The Wright Stuff) “Is communism evil?” (Jeremy Vine) “Should tickling children be made illegal?” (This Morning) "Would you choose the porn your kids watch?" (Loose Women) “Are you addicted to kitchen porn?” (Loose Women) “What is your favourite crisp?” (This Morning) “Would you let your three-year-old try wine?” (Loose Women) “The big loo roll debate: over or under?” (This Morning) “Are pets better than people?” (Good Morning Britain) “Are dogs better than men?” (Loose Women) “Do you need an emotional peacock?” (Loose Women) “Which is harder - a new born baby or a puppy?” (Loose Women) “Would you try alpaca yoga?” (This Morning) “Should bird feeders be banned?” (Good Morning Britain) “Should fairytales be banned?” (Loose Women) “Should manspreading be banned?” (Loose Women) “Should advent calendars be banned?” (Good Morning Britain) “Should winning on schools sports day be banned?” (Loose Women) “Should the Olympics be banned?” (Good Morning Britain) “Should pole dancing be an Olympic sport?” (Loose Women) “Is it time to ban cats?” (This Morning) “Should your kids raise pigs for slaughter?” (Loose Women) “Would you dig up your dead pet?” (Loose Women) “Are you a fan of masterbreaking?” (Loose Women) View oEmbed on the source website “Would you give birth in your garden?” (Loose Women) “Should we all have a ‘naked day’?” (Loose Women) “Would you cling film your Christmas tree?” (Loose Women) “Would you mind living near swingers?” (Loose Women) “Were the moon landings faked?” (Loose Women) View oEmbed on the source website “How’s your vagina today?” (This Morning) "Would any of the Loose Women try a vaginal glitter bomb?” (Loose Women) “What’s in your dishwasher?” (This Morning) “Is four dishwashers the secret to a happy relationship?” (Loose Women) "Is it acceptable to put a toilet brush in a dishwasher?" (Loose Women) “Is your dishwasher ruining your relationship?” (Loose Women) “Do you have an apocalypse plan?” (Loose Women) “Are you worried about Russia?” (Loose Women) “Are you a homing pigeon?” (Loose Women) “Are you blinking enough?” (Loose Women) View oEmbed on the source website “Would you share your partner with a robot?” (Loose Women) “Do you let your dog kiss you on the lips?” (Loose Women) “Would you try a urine facial?” (Loose Women) “Would you try urine therapy?” (Loose Women) “Is an orgasm a day really achievable?” (Loose Women) “Is eating together as good as sex?” (Loose Women) “Sex in public: Silly or serious?” (Loose Women) “Strippers at funerals: Refreshing or repulsive?” (Loose Women) “Do you eat alone?” (Loose Women) “Should GPs be able to prescribe sex?” (Loose Women) “Does sex bring you closer to God?” (Loose Women) “Does using a sex robot count as cheating?” (Loose Women) “Would you rather your man cheat with a robot or another women?” (Loose Women) “Is marrying yourself sad or sweet?” (Loose Women) “Is visiting a sex robot brothel cheating?” (Loose Women) And finally… “Mr Blobby on Brexit” (Loose Women) A rigorous scientific analysis and comparison of the various daytime TV shows leads us to one inescapable conclusion: Loose Women is literally Hell and I never want to watch it again. I leave you with the most WTF discussion of them all.
What is the pettiest and most typically British complaint sent into Points of View? Scott Bryan investigates...
"Dreadful. Rotten host. Rotten concept. Rotten set. Apart from that it was terrible"
I love Points of View, the BBC TV show that airs feedback and complaints about BBC programmes. Part of the reason is how wonderfully meta it is (“we contacted the BBC and the BBC told us that the BBC had no comment etc etc”), part of it is to spot any faithful viewer shouting something like “I LOVE THE LICENCE FEE AND I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL MY MONEY” and part of it is because, when you think about it, the premise of this show is so damn loopy. Scott Bryan also investigates... What's the weirdest ever celebrity segue on The One Show? Can TV show characters afford the houses they live in? How accurate are TV countdown shows? And why did we all get angry at Channel 5 over packets of crisps? I only came to this conclusion after I asked some American colleagues in my old job to watch an episode of Points of View (don’t ask) and tell me what they thought about it: “Wait wait wait. You all have an entire TV show about people's phoned-in complaints about TV shows?” asked one colleague. “The customer complaints department is a TV show in England?” asked another. “Is this the most British thing I've ever seen?!” That third question stuck with me. It is the most British thing they've ever seen. But how British and petty can the complaints be? I decided to investigate. Every time a peak Point of View complaint happened I made a note of it and lo and behold, (I am single) here are some of my favourite petty ones. This complaint about the innuendos during The Great British Bake Off: This complaint about a new version of Porridge starring Kevin Bishop: “I felt Fletcher chewing gum was ugly and not necessary and he spoke very, very fast. It put me on edge.” This complaint about Question Time not answering the questions: "I enjoy Question Time but I find it a bit infuriating because it is called Question Time but doesn't seem to answer the questions." This complaint about hot beverages on EastEnders: This complaint about the World Cup, which was watched by more than 20 million viewers on BBC1: “I think it is quite outrageous that we should have to suffer through these next four weeks or more whilst you fill the channel with unwanted football when you could easily channel it to BBC4.” This viewer who complained that nobody else watched a show they liked: "I loved it! But absolutely nobody I know seems to have watched it and have just stared blankly at me when I have asked them about it." And the upset that the winning painting in the show was an “ugly giraffe”: "I am absolutely mortified at the result of this programme that I have watched with enthusiasm each week. How anyone with any knowledge or experience of art could choose the hideous final painting of a giraffe is beyond me." This complaint about Strictly Come Dancing that went from 0 to 10,000 degrees of insanity real quick: This complaint about why Homes Under The Hammer has three presenters: “Three presenters doing for me what could be one person’s job. It’s like asking a plumber to fix your central heating and then three turn up at once.” This complaint that Robin Hood was now too politically correct: "Whoever heard of a PC Robin Hood? No one. Only the BBC could have come up with this idiotic idea." This complaint about BBC News that gets many, many, many thanks from me: “When switching from presenter to presenter, how many ‘thanks’ does this take? You would think one would suffice. Not for BBC presenters. Apparently ‘many thanks’ and ‘many many thanks’ are required. I’m just waiting for my first ‘many many many thanks.’” This complaint about Gunpowder, a drama about Guy Fawkes: “After the executions I switched it off.” This complaint about what happened when two agents went abroad on Spooks: This complaint about Wimbledon showing us um… Wimbledon: "Is it possible that with Wimbledon just around the corner we get fewer pointless shots of the crowd fanning themselves, taking pictures. wearing silly getups etc?" This complaint about the Russell T Davies show A Very English Scandal: The complaint that Autumnwatch was not relevant because it was broadcast from a country that wasn’t ours: "The very essence of past programmes is that they capture moments in nature on the doorsteps of the audience. Your programme from New England is remote. It is foreign. It does not involve us; merely informs us." This complaint about the language in a sitcom called White Gold: This complaint that a show set in Wales featuring the Welsh language was not in English: “I live in Wales but don’t speak Welsh (sadly). I knit when I am watching TV, so I might not always be looking at the screen when the subtitles pop up for a few seconds, and miss bits... I won’t be watching it again.” This complaint about Radio 1’s Big Weekend (during an episode of Points of View hosted by Scott Mills): This complaint about a new BBC series about cars, leading to a suggestion of the worst TV programme of all time: “When is the BBC going to make a programme looking at the everyday safety hazards pedestrians face on their journeys?” This complaint about Andrew Neil: This complaint about Pointless: This complaint about a new show by Brendan O'Carroll, the man behind Mrs Browns Boys: "Dreadful. Rotten host. Rotten concept. Rotten set. Apart from that it was terrible." This complaint about The Thick Of It, best known for Peter Capaldi's sweary spin doctor Malcolm Tucker: “The BBC makes wonderful comedy programmes, and has some of the best writers in the business. So why insist on spoiling what could be a brilliant satire by insisting that the ‘f’ word is used in every sentence uttered?” This complaint about errrrrm... Points of View itself: "How much is it a PR exercise with no direct impact on BBC output – simply a time filler masquerading under the guise of concern and response? From the point of the BBC, what is the point of Points of View?" In conclusion, this is my favourite one...
What's the weirdest ever celebrity segue on The One Show? Scott Bryan investigates…
From asking James Franco about cricket, to handing Breaking Bad's Aaron Paul a live chicken, Scott Bryan rounds up The One Show's strangest celebrity interview encounters...
You, a Hollywood A-list actor, have been invited onto The One Show to plug whatever TV show/film/play you have got on in London. You have never watched The One Show before. Your agent set it up. You are tired. You’ve done 92 junket interviews today and this is the last one, yet somehow it's also the longest. Plugging your show/film/play should only take five minutes, but you’re here for 30? What the hell are they setting up outside? A dog obstacle course?! The loudest and shortest theme music on TV is blasted out. The presenters don’t say their own names but say each others for some reason. You’re introduced. The answers you’ve delivered all day are ready to be repeated, but then, wait… they're now talking about bin collections in Stevenage? OK. They’ve gone to a film about this project now?! You check your watch. Why are there 40 people in this studio with you? How are they going to get from this to your thing? OK they're back now. Who is this expert you're sitting next to? Wait, they're asking you about fortnightly bin collections in Stevenage and what time you take bins out in Los Angeles??!! The One Show's Alex Jones bids a teary farewell to co-host Matt Baker before maternity leave Alex Jones reveals pay gap with One Show co-host Matt Baker has been “addressed” How often does Ted Hastings say "Fella" in Line of Duty? And which Ted quote is the weirdest? I’ve delved through The One Show archives to find two things: the maddest segues and weirdest questions The One Show has ever asked during a celebrity interview... When Cat Deeley was a guest and they had to get from a feature about a caterpillar making weird noises to a new singing show hosted by Cat Deeley To Cat Deeley: “From a singing caterpillar to a singing a-capella…” When Jason Bateman was a guest and they had to segue from a feature about dragonflies to an interview with Jason Bateman To Jason Bateman: “From the transformation of the dragonfly to the transformation of Jason Bateman.” When Boy George was a guest and they had to segue away from a feature about The Glasgow School of Art burning down To Boy George: “George, you’ve turned your hand to art of late haven’t you?” When Shania Twain was a guest and they had to introduce a feature about a new organist being appointed at Durham Cathedral To Shania Twain: “Shania has been at the top of her game for decades, but you’re about to meet somebody who has waited 32 years to realise his musical ambition.” When Riz Ahmed was a guest and they had just finished an item about the new £1 coin To Riz Ahmed: “What do you make of this?” [Riz Ahmed pockets the £1 coin into his jacket pocket] How accurate are TV countdown shows? And why did we all get angry at Channel 5 over packets of crisps? When Mindy Kaling was a guest to promote her new film and they had just shown a feature about passing a driving theory test To Mindy Kaling: “You’ve won many awards. Of all the things you’ve won, is it true that your Dad is proudest of your parking space?” When Sir Trevor McDonald was a guest and there was a feature about whether you should keep tomato ketchup in the fridge To Sir Trevor McDonald: “Are you a ketchup fan?” When Andrew Marr was a guest and a feature about vaping had finished To Andrew Marr: “You’re a former smoker. What do you think of the business of vaping?” Andrew Marr: “It’s been 40 years ago since I have had a cigarette.” When Ronnie Wood was a guest and they had to segue into a feature about a man painting a horse to make it look like a zebra To Ronnie Wood: “We know that horses are very important to you, but our very own George McGavin likes painting horses, just not in the same way.” When Roger Daltrey was a guest and they played a feature about an app that allows you to skip supermarket queues To Roger Daltrey: “I personally love a checkout and I love people talking to people. You’re not so keen on this either.” When Kit Harington was a guest and they had to segue from an interview with him to a feature about how dolphins were once on show in a swimming pool To Kit Harington: “As the home of the Game of Thrones studio, Belfast has been home to dragons, direwolves and even three-eyed ravens. But what Jon Snow and friends might not know is that the city has been home to even more surprising creatures...” When James and Dave Franco was introduced as a guest at the top of the show and they had to segue into a feature about The Ashes To James and Dave Franco: “We don’t want to typecast, but as Americans we are guessing that you don’t really get cricket.” When Gerard Butler was a guest and they had to segue from talking about how crisps cannot be recycled to talking with Gerard Butler To Gerard Butler: “Gerard Butler has never had a crisp sandwich!” When Mary J. Blige was a guest and they had to talk about puppets from Spitting Image being on sale and involve the guest Mary J. Blige in some way To Mary J. Blige: “Mary, you might recognise one of them. Potentially.” [The bottom right is Tom Hanks] When Nigella Lawson was a guest and they had to segue away from a feature about how to survive Freshers Week To Nigella Lawson: “What was your go-to dish at University?” Nigella Lawson: “Onion soup.” When Aaron Paul was a guest and he had to be involved in a discussion about chicken adoption with live chickens in the studio To Aaron Paul: “You’ve found your chicken.” Aaron Paul: “I’m taking this guy home with me.” When Matthew Broderick was a guest and they had to segue into an interview with him after a feature about what we talk about with our loved ones shortly before we go to sleep To Matthew Broderick: “Do you chat about work before heading to bed?” Matthew Broderick: “We don’t talk about work that much.” And finally, when Mel Brooks was being interviewed and they had to segue into a rather sad feature, resulting in Brooks responding with these iconic lines
Can TV show characters afford the houses they live in? Scott Bryan investigates…
From Albert Square to Outnumbered, Midsomer to Dibley, where are they really filmed - and how realistic is that anyway?
Nothing seems to unite people more than trying to find errors in a TV show. Why? So we can completely undermine it, even though we know that TV being fictional is what makes it so appealing in the first place. In the week when we mocked Game of Thrones over the appearance of a coffee cup, what if we looked at bigger mistakes. Like the biggest. The homes characters live in and whether they would actually be able to afford them. How often does Ted Hastings say "Fella" in Line of Duty? And which Ted quote is the weirdest? Have you noticed the amazing burns by Victoria Coren Mitchell during Only Connect? And the eccentric contestant biographies? How accurate are TV countdown shows? And why did we all get angry at Channel 5 over packets of crisps? Why? Content. So hold on to your mortgage applications, we’re going for a ride through television house prices... EastEnders EastEnders’ Albert Square is based on the layout of a real street called Fassett Square, in Dalston, East London. Whilst never used for filming for the show, the houses, the square, feel eerily familiar if you ever happen to visit. It is quieter than the real Albert Square too, with no pubs, cafes or shops nearby. There is however, a Tesco Metro five minutes away, which at one time was so bad an East Londoner made a Tumblr about it. The Tesco Tumblr soon went viral and was reported on national news. Yes, that sentence is the most East London thing you will read today. Property value: A four bedroom house on Fassett Square recently went for £950,000. Larger properties on the estate have gone for £1,500,000(!!) Can they afford to live there? Well, probably not now. But look at it like this: a flat valued at £120,000 in 1999 was sold for £690,000 in 2018. If you were in the soap from the 1990s (and you haven’t been murdered) you would have made a tidy investment. Outnumbered Outnumbered is set in Chiswick, but outside shots (such as the one above) were filmed in Dempster Road in Wandsworth, so I’m basing my housing calculations on that. Property value: Oh boy, this area has gone up in value. Some of the properties on that road have gone up in value by more than ten times in the last 20 years. For example, a four bedroom house that was worth £115,000 in 1996 is now worth £1.2 million. Meanwhile, another terraced house on that road, that was once worth £500,000, is now worth £1.5 million. Can they afford to live there? If they had moved in before house prices went stratospheric, then yeah, they could have done. Not bad for a school history teacher and a part-time personal assistant. Also the following image has no relevance to the article but I am adding it in anyway. Hope that’s OK. (Source: Buzzfeed) Midsomer Murders My favourite death in Midsomer Murders was when Martine McCutcheon was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese. Her face there just before it landed. Someone else died in Midsomer Murders by drowning in soup, which, personally, is how I’m going to go. Property value: Property values vary wildly because Midsomer has been filmed in lots of different places and there has been a lot of death. For example, a lovely cottage from an episode where someone died by strangulation from piano wire was sold last year for £600,000 . Then there’s Bulstrode Estate, featured in an episode where someone was killed by a giant corkscrew and mounted on a wall alongside his butterfly collection. It was recently sold for £13 million. I think once you get past the fact that more than 200 people have died across several villages and nobody seems worried, but instead blindly carry on with their lives as if nothing's happened, the Midsomer area is a great place to live. Can you afford to live there? Depends where you live, before you inevitably die by being hit over the head with a golf club. Peep Show The El Dude Brothers live in a modest flat in a block in Croydon, south London. Jeremy's confined to a box room, and at various times the bathroom has lacked a door, so we're not exactly talking palatial here. Property value: Relatively affordable (although Millennials may not agree). Peep Show was filmed on location in sunny Croydon. Properties within the area vary, but usually range between £100,000 and £275,000. And good news for Mark, the value of his flat is likely to have gone up by around £50,000 in the course of the show's nine-episode run. "I am the Lord of the Bus said he!" Can the characters afford to live there? With Mark paying the bills, Jeremy certainly can. The Big Breakfast It exists! The house Channel 4’s breakfast show (now dead and replaced by endless reruns of Frasier and Seinfeld) was broadcast from is still there. I went past it recently whilst on a run and out of breath shouted out the Big Breakfast address to the house. In case you want to take a peek at it too, it’s is in Hackney Wick, just behind the Olympic Stadium. Property value: Reports from 2002 said that the house was on the market for “more than £1m”, but then it was ravaged by fire. A Zoopla listing from 2013 said that the property was available to rent unfurnished for £2,058 per month. The space is also used for filming various other TV shows so maybe it will end up appearing again in the sequel to this article. Can they afford to live there? I don’t know, Chris Evans is doing alright, but I’m still fuming they cancelled this for RI:SE. The Vicar of Dibley What I love about television is how small the world is. The same village where Villanelle went on a murderous rampage in Killing Eve is the one where Hugo and Alice had their Teletubbies themed wedding in The Vicar of Dibley. The village is Turville in Oxfordshire. Property value: Whilst Geraldine Granger’s house has not been up for sale in recent years, houses on the very same idyllic street have gone for an average of £622,500. But what makes The Vicar of Dibley so appealing is not just the picturesque village and quirky community, it's also its convenient location near the M40. In fact. you see the motorway in the opening titles of every second episode. Can they afford to live there? No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no yes. The Kumars at Number 42 I don’t know how much you know about available studio space within the M25 (as you are an interesting person, I’m guessing not much) but there’s a bit of a chronic shortage in London at the moment. The studios for ITV’s This Morning have been closed and moved to Television Centre, while the glitz, glamour and sparkle of Strictly Come Dancing has swapped TVC for a move to Elstree Studios in Borehamwood, which to the horror of any Londoner *starts shaking* is outside Zone 3. The Kumars at Number 42 meanwhile somehow managed to pull off an enormous full size studio at the back of their house. It must be a hugely sought after studio space. Central location. A* amenities. Property value: Houses in Wembley are on average worth £425,000, but four bedroom houses around this size are on sale for £650,000. However, I can comfortably predict the house/studio complex being worth approximately £2.3 billion. Can they afford to live there? The bigger question here is how this place got planning permission. Sex Education I wish it was easy to tell you how much the houses in Sex Education are worth, but it isn’t entirely obvious where the hell it's supposed to be set. It’s filmed in Wales, but there are no Welsh people. The school is British, but the interiors, with those tall yellow lockers (ugh), feel very American. When I asked Netflix where it is supposed to be set, in an article for BuzzFeed, I was informed by a cheery publicist that it was in “South West UK.” South West UK? Nobody in “South West UK” refers it as “South West UK.” What’s that supposed to mean?! Cornwall? There’s no sea. Wales? THERE’S NO WELSH. Property value: So, I’m going by the filming location of Otis (Asa Butterfield) and his mum Dr Jean's (Gillian Anderson) house in the picture above – Symonds Yat in the Wye Valley, Gloucestershire. According to Zoopla, the property is estimated to be worth £774,000, but could be up to £885,000. Can they afford to live there? Yes, if you can actually tell me where the show is set. Love Island One bedroom. Ghastly font. I’m ending my review here. Property value: A property expert last year said the main villa was likely to be worth £2.5 million. The nearby Casa Amor (where the boys traditionally meet a bevy of new ladies to test their loyalties) was up for sale last year for €2.5 million euros, about £2,168,487 and fifty pence, according to Google's currency convertor. Can the cast afford to live there? I’m just going to leave this quote here: "So does that mean we won’t have any trees?" My Family LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THEIR LIVING ROOM. It is in Chiswick! How can they afford something so big? Also, whilst we’re here, where the hell did Nick disappear to after the fifth series? And why the hell did the BBC make more than 120 episodes?! I started to tot up how long Ben (Robert Lindsay) and Susan Harper (Zoe Wanamaker) would need to save their respectable dentist and art gallery income for to come up with a deposit for a house that appears to be a small airport hanger in W4, but then I remembered that as this show is entirely shot within a studio and doesn’t have any outside locations I don’t know exactly where it is, so that would be pointless. Property value: According to Foxtons, the average house price in the Chiswick area is a whacking £1,745,625. For a house that is so unbelievably large, I expect it to go for even more. Can they afford to live there? After 120 episodes, anything is possible. Noel’s House Party Blobby Blobby BLOBBY BLOBBY blobby blobby BLOBBY BLObby BLoBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY Blobby Blobby BLOBBY BLOBBY blobby blobby BLOBBY BLObby BLoBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY Blobby Blobby BLOBBY BLOBBY blobby blobby BLOBBY BLObby BLoBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY BLOBBY. (No, I didn’t type this out manually, I copied and pasted). The interiors of Noel’s House Party were filmed at BBC Television Centre, but (sorry to ruin the magic) the exterior shot you see at the start is of Chavenage House in Gloucestershire. It’s the same filming location used in Lark Rise to Candleford and Poldark. Property value: £250,000 or 1p Can they afford to live there? Depends which box you open. No, really. How much is the property worth? It hasn’t ever been put up for sale, but you can have a guided tour for only £10. And normally when they do guided tours of your house it tends to be worth a lot.
How often does Ted Hastings say "Fella" in Line of Duty? And which Ted quote is the weirdest? Scott Bryan investigates…
Also starring "Mother of God" and "bent coppers"
Is Ted Hastings 'H'? Sorry, I haven’t the foggiest. I can, though, let you know how many times Ted Hastings in Line of Duty has said “Mother of God” or “Fella”, phrases so beloved I have dubbed them Tedisms. There are memes about Tedisms, drinking games about Tedisms. Adrian Dunbar himself, who plays Hastings, is also aware of Tedisms, telling BBC Radio 5 Live: “A woman came up and gave me an envelope with a load of bent coppers in it." But which quote has been said the most? I decided to find out, by going through every Line of Duty script, finding the footage and making this montage. View oEmbed on the source website Yes making this video took absolutely forever and I now have a headache. Thanks for asking. How often does Hastings say… “Fella”? Amazingly, you only hear Hastings say “fella” once before series three. The next “fellas” are introduced in quick succession (“three shots, fella” / “You shot that fella in cold blood while your wee mates stood by and watched” / “Why did you keep firing? Were you losing it out there, fella?”) From that point onwards it’s basically “fella” o’clock’. Halfway through the third series, we practically get to fellamageddon (a word that Microsoft Word tells me 'does not exist' and is part of a sentence that I ‘should consider revising.’). You might wonder why Ted says “fella.” From my analysis, it is primarily because the situation he finds himself in is quite bad. Not Urgent Exit Required bad, but A Chief Superintendent takes Ted out for a dinner and casually tells him to stop bad. He also says "fella" to people who have done something bad, the exception being Dot, until he realises Dot has done something bad. Is this a clue to what might happen next in Line of Duty? Probably. I’ve wasted so much time on this I’m just going to say yes. Here is a graph. I just want to take this opportunity to say I hate Microsoft Excel. How many times has Hastings said “Mother of God”? Hastings has said “Mother of God” nine times. Nearly every single time he has said it has been when he has encountered a dead body. Fab. He also tends to whisper “Mother of God” rather than say it loudly, but not every time. Thus here I am presenting the most useless pie chart that you have ever seen: On a rather interesting side-note, do you know that a lot of Tedisms appear to be said as if Ted is actually god and/or controls the weather? (“Things get a wee bit fuzzy for me here Sergeant. Maybe you could be a ray of sunshine and burn off the fog. Mmm?” / “I have been shifting heaven and earth” / “He will not leave a stone unturned.”) *nearby phone rings* Hang on a second. Hello? Oh hi Mum. Oh you’ve read this article? OK. I just want to ensure you that everything is fine. I haven’t lost the plot. Yes, can’t wait to see you in Cornwall next week. “God give me strength” Yes, that’s right. I’m now tackling the sentence that you currently have in your head whilst reading this article. It is Lindsay Denton who causes Ted Hastings to utter "God give me strength" for the first time. Of course it is. This is the same Denton who is causing Hastings incredible grief in the most recent episode of Line of Duty, despite having the slight setback of being dead. What a woman. Towards the end of the third series, Ted says this whilst overlooking the now (iconic) reception and says “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Catching criminals is tough enough but catching coppers – God give me strength.” I think to myself “yes, I know you’ve said it before, I’ve written them all down.” Then, just as I am thinking that, Ted throws in a “fella”, making it a “fella God give me strength” Christmas. He says it five times in total. Sorry about this in advance. How often does Superintendent Hastings say… “Superintendent Hastings. Like the battle”? TWICE, unlike the actual battle of Hastings which happened only once. How many times has Hastings said… “We do our duty to the letter of the law. The letter"? Hastings has said this three times, once to Steve Arnott (“the letter of the law, the letter”), once to Roz Huntley (“All that’s expected of us as police officers is that we do our duty to the letter of the law, the letter”) and once to Steve Hilton (“The letter of the law, the letter.”) [If this sentence is here, it is because Scott Bryan failed to write an adequate joke about letters, stamps and post offices in time for the article being submitted] Here’s another graph. I made this one in a Pret A Manger. For the latest news and expert tips on getting the best deals this year, take a look at our Black Friday 2021 and Cyber Monday 2021 guides. How many times has Ted said phrases that could be grouped together as being related to interior design and housing construction? No, I am not scraping the barrel. For example: “we’re going to get on like a house on fire” and “We’ve been round the houses, Steve. Round the houses and down the bloody drains.” Even interiors: “None of my people would plant evidence. They know I would throw the book at them. Followed by the bookshelf.” There’s even a segment on lighting:“I don’t care if you and DCC Dryden were swinging from the chandeliers.” And even an orchard: “You look like a couple of kids who’ve been caught robbing an orchard.” Also food: “Go back to the coal face, the pair of you, unless you’ve got more egg-sucking tips for your granny.” And drink? “A big pint of that cats’ piss that you… fellas seem to like so much.” Let’s cross over to the pie chart: And finally… how many times does Ted Hastings say... “Bent copper”? We have heard it seven times. This is the catchphrase that we know best. I love how Ted Hastings saying the words “bent coppers” causes a surge of energy throughout your entire body. Let’s just crack on to a bar chart that will make my geography teacher despair. I regret to inform you that I don’t think we’re sucking diesel. Line of Duty series five concludes on Sunday 5th May at 9pm on BBC1
Have you noticed the amazing burns by Victoria Coren Mitchell during Only Connect? And the eccentric contestant biographies? Scott Bryan investigates...
Celebrating the quirky joy of the BBC2 quiz show...
If you think University Challenge is the quiz show that best reflects Britain, you would be wrong. There is, of course, nothing wrong with University Challenge (apart from the lack of gender equality and the fact that the only thing I regularly get right, the popular music round, is often shafted for classical music). No, the show that best reflects our country is the show that directly precedes (but used to follow) it, the pattern puzzle quiz Only Connect, fronted by Victoria Coren Mitchell. Upstart Crow's David Mitchell on Shakespeare – and watching Only Connect with his wife Why Only Connect just doesn't work on Fridays Only Connect sheds close to a third of its viewers after move from Mondays to Fridays Why? Have you seen this show? It is so quirky. SO quirky. Nothing reflects our country’s eccentric and rather daft personality more. Take the contestant biographies mentioned at the top of the show for instance (all of these are real): “Mark Oxley, a physiotherapist who was once asked to play Patrick Swayze’s stunt double, but declined the opportunity.” “Michael Cannon, a French and History graduate who once hosted Angela Lansbury’s 90th birthday party, which was not attended by Angela Lansbury.” “Tom West, a solicitor who recently spent the entire day on a train, in order to attend a meeting at which only he was present.” “Tom Mead, a mortgage consultant who was nearly run over by Janet Street-Porter when he was at Leeds Bradford Airport and she had her leg in plaster.” “Anne Miller, a politics and sociology graduate who ran the tango society at the University of Edinburgh, and knows more about puffins than anyone else.” “Sarah Lister, a fund administrator who once prepared escape routes from her home in case of a zombie attack.” “Chris Pendleton, an artist and picture framer who is commissioned annually to paint a picture of a pig for Britain’s leading sausage manufacturer.” “Colin Daffern, a sociology and women’s studies graduate, who played the part of a cooked roast turkey in his school Christmas play.” View oEmbed on the source website “Andy Davis, a keen marathon runner who chatted to Sally Gunnell when his flight was delayed from Geneva.” “Mickey Alexander, a medical student with an interest in Victorian literature, who has seen Bruce Springsteen perform 16 times and has touched him once.” “Andrew Burford, a Black Country ombudsman who once ate his own height in sandwiches.” “Simon Williams, a law graduate, who at the age of 18 took the complete works of Oscar Wilde on a holiday to Aiya Napa.” “Richard Arthur, a Geology enthusiast who enjoys holidays visiting burial stones.” “John Wilson, a former IT professional who has visited 2000 pubs, sampled 4200 ales and documented them all in a spreadsheet.” And finally… “captain Jonathan Elliott, a scout leader who while wearing his uniform, was once mistaken for a member of the Hitler Youth.” Then there’s the game itself. Everything about it is exceptionally odd. The fact that each round starts with someone choosing an Egyptian hieroglyph (“twisted flax please”). The fact that the missing vowels round looks as if someone in the production gallery just spilt coffee all over the caption keyboard. (Note: In case you were wondering, and I know you were, the answer to this question is: New Taiwan Dollar and Old Taiwan Dollar). Then there’s host Victoria Coren Mitchell. Without her, this show would be nothing. She ignores the usual repetitive script that comes with quiz shows like these and opens with something so left-field you feel as if someone from BBC2 management is going to “have a word” with her about toning it down at any moment. Here’s one such opening: “Welcome to Only Connect, where it is the end of the road for one of teams. Not now obviously, that would be a weird programme.” It was only whilst researching for this piece (can you tell that I’ve done a lot) that I realised something wonderful happens with many of these openings. In a lot of the episodes, whilst introducing the increasingly eccentric contestants, Coren Mitchell delivers burns to both teams competing that week. I’ve shoved some of these together into a little montage: View oEmbed on the source website Here’s some of the best, just from the past three series: The Moriarty Burn: “Welcome to Only Connect, a quiz so diabolical that Professor Moriarty himself was too scared to apply, because he couldn’t find two other supervillains to join him. I don’t know why. The world is full of brilliant, inspired yet malevolent creatures that rarely venture out in daylight. “Let’s meet the teams.” (Series 13, Episode 20) The Catwalk Burn: “If knowledge is fashionable then this is the ultimate catwalk, in the sense that backstage there’s nothing to eat and everyone is throwing up. “But knowledge isn’t fashionable, as we’ll find out in a moment. “Let’s meet the teams.” (Series 11, Episode 17) The Edinburgh Fringe Burn: “Every year every festival time I go up to Scotland…I really enjoy the quirkiness of the Edinburgh Fringe. “What can I tell you? I just love oddness and spectacles. “Let’s meet the teams.” (Series 12, Episode 9) Tom Hanks Burn: “Last week we were talking about great beach movies: Point Break, Whisky Galore, Weekend at Bernies. My favourite is Castaway, where Tom Hanks is stranded for years on a desert island with no human company, his only friend a face he’s painted on a volleyball. “It’s hard to imagine such lonely isolation. “Let’s meet the teams.” (Series 14, Episode 4) The ‘This Is Hell’ Burn: “A team can lose a match and still not be knocked out of the competition. Why do people come back for more of this hell? Surely anyone normal can just go home. “Let’s meet the teams.” (Series 11, Episode 19) The School Sports Day Burn: “Asthma inhalers at the ready! It’s the Only Connect Sports Special! We’ve invited back two favourite teams from previous series to play this match, chosen specifically for their sporting prowess. “When it came to games at school these quizzers were always first to be picked. “As the scorer. Let’s meet the teams.” (Series 14, Specials 2) The Christmas Carol Burn: “The ghosts of past, present and future visited me again last night. I’ve begged them to leave me alone, but they just keep coming. They are always there, around this time of year. “It feels like I’m constantly staring into the hollowed eyes of a weird, chilling, mismatched trio. “Let’s meet the teams.” (Series 13, Episode 19) The Battersea Dogs Home Burn: “I’d like to start by mentioning Battersea Dogs Home, which I visited recently. You can’t help but fall in love with them. Their eager little faces, their panting enthusiasm, their obvious intelligence, sadly many of them with a traumatised look, all thin with strange bald patches…. “Let’s meet the teams.” (Series 14, Episode 25) My favourite opening, though, was this: “Hello and welcome to Only Connect, where I have asked everyone to speak quietly because I’ve got a bit of a headache. “Last night someone plied me with triple vodka after triple vodka. “I’m hazy in thinking who it was, but I think it was me.” View oEmbed on the source website Goodbye. Only Connect: The Final is on Monday 29th April at 8:30pm on BBC2
Can you watch the latest season of Game of Thrones without having seen the previous seven? Scott Bryan investigates….
Want to blag your way through a conversation about the most talked about show on TV? Step this way...
We are all in either category a) or a category b) right now. a) You are watching the new Game of Thrones every week, usually around 6am on Mondays (“oh my that’s a lot of blood *chews porridge*). You do this to avoid spoilers and to enjoy memes. b) You do not watch Game of Thrones. Episodes are currently on series record but are unwatched on your DVR, currently alongside unwatched highlights of the PyeongChang 2018 Winter Olympics. People in the second category are going to feel a bit left out, particularly when they admit to anyone in category a) that they haven’t got round to watching Game of Thrones yet. So what if there was a category c)? People who don’t watch Game of Thrones, but want to know everything that has happened in each episode so they don’t feel left out. Essentially, blagging it. That’s where I come in. I’ve watched every Thrones for work and I can say, hand on heart, that I understand 60% of it. Here’s the most basic guide possible, which will no doubt absolutely infuriate and alienate core fans (in which case a small message: “hello, do not @ me on Twitter”). This post contains spoilers. I mean, that’s the point. Game of Thrones stars tease "truly brutal" Red Wedding-style scenes in season 8 Game of Thrones season 8 episode 1 live blog 9 burning questions we have after Game of Thrones series 8 episode 1 The basics What is Game of Thrones? It is a show about a different families and alliances fighting to take control of an Iron Throne and potentially rule the Seven Kingdoms. The story is complicated, but you needn’t worry as none of that really seems to matter any more. Why? An army of White Walkers, an army of the dead, are attacking from the North. Why is this important? Because they they are just about invincible. Why “just about” invincible? They can be killed by Valyrian steel, a type of metal found in some swords. These swords appear to be quite hard to come by, rarer than owning an iPhone (or seeing one on public transport) that hasn’t been dropped and cracked in several places. What happens if nobody stops the White Walkers? Everyone who isn’t already dead in Game of Thrones will die. Who is already dead in Game of Thrones? Oh, god. Where to start? This was only going to be an article about the first episode. I’m not writing you a bloody book. Here's what happens in the most recent episode Wow, these titles are intense and epic, aren’t they? Yes! The opening titles last approximately 456 hours and are a great accompaniment whilst you are doing the ironing. Don’t they change every time? They do. The White Walkers marching South are currently represented by parts of the map flipping white, like a death-fuelled analogue train departure screen. We are now in Winterfell What is Winterfell like? Cold. There are often conversations here about inadequate heating. Food supplies are a bit like your local metro supermarket one minute before the end of Sunday trading. Who is she? Arya. She kills brutally everyone who wronged her and according to her Twitter page, she doesn’t like balsamic glaze. View oEmbed on the source website Who are they? Daenerys Targaryen and Jon Snow. Daenerys has two dragons (she had three). Jon was dead. They are currently in love and Jon doesn’t know yet that she is technically his aunt. What?!!!??!!! Remember, you’re trying to blag being a fan of this. We don’t have time for this. And there are dragons? This is a fantasy show. This isn’t Call the Midwife. Don’t patronise me. What happened to the third dragon? Two things. 1) The dragon was killed in a battle in season seven but then joined the evil White Walker army. 2) Just a reminder Scott, that you are interviewing yourself in this article, so you are only hurting yourself. Who is he? Bran. It’s a bit complicated, but let’s just say that he isn’t the life and soul of the party at the moment. Think of him as being a bit like Oren from Parks and Recreation. There’s now a meeting going on. What is it about? Jon Snow was in charge, but he needed allies so he went away for a bit and now everyone hates him. And he joined up with the Targaryens so they have adequate defence against the White Walkers! Yes, that’s right. Sansa [below] is not happy about how risky this all might be. What do dragons eat? Certainly not what is available from your local metro supermarket one minute before the end of Sunday trading. We are now in Kings Landing Who is that? It’s Cersei. She is currently on the Iron Throne. Do we like Cersei? [Scott Bryan has logged out of the chat] Why is she talking about elephants? She was promised an elephant. Why did everyone obsess about her talking about elephants on Twitter? We didn’t know until now that elephants actually existed in the Game of Thrones universe. But this show has dragons, so of course they have elephants. Our universe has YouTubers. Do you want the Game of Thrones universe to have YouTubers? Jon and Daenerys are now flying on two dragons This is a bit like Harry Potter. We know. Where’s Sean Bean in this? I’ve heard that he’s good. Very funny. Do the dragons know that Jon is technically kissing his aunt? It’s that or they just hate public signs of affection to be honest. They would hate the Night Tube. They would absolutely hate the Night Tube. Why does that really tall man not like Arya? He’s The Hound. What happened between them? She robbed him and left him for dead. He must be really annoyed at her about this. In fact, he’s really rather proud of her. Why? It’s Game of Thrones. View oEmbed on the source website There’s not much blood in this episode? It’s as much a surprise to us as it is to you. Sam is telling Jon that he is heir to the Seven Kingdoms What is going on? Jon always thought that he was an illegitimate son, a “bastard”, but now he’s finding out from Sam that he is actually a Targaryen and the heir to the Iron Throne. We knew that already, didn’t we? He didn’t. Is this a thing? It very much is a thing. View oEmbed on the source website Why do the White Walkers leave messages in human limbs in a spiral formation? They don’t have FaceTime. Why are these people staring at each other? Oh, it’s because the guy in the second picture (Jaime) pushed Bran out of a window in the very first episode. That’s not nice. It isn’t. If you watch the very first episode of Game of Thrones you will understand what happened as they haven’t seen each other since. Why? They’ve been a bit busy. I’ll get round to watching the first episode straightaway. You won’t watch it. I will. You won’t. You won’t. Bran knows you’re not going to watch the first episode of Game of Thrones today. What? Trust me on this. WHAT?!!! View oEmbed on the source website And that’s the entire first episode? It’s shorter than the other ones. Why is there so much hype about this? Because we don’t know what is going to happen yet. So there might be a huge battle scene? Or Cersei talking about elephants. Ok. Do you understand Game of Thrones now? Kinda. Then my work here is done.
Which soap character has the WORST life just from looking at their Wikipedia page? Scott Bryan Investigates...
Think life isn't fair? Don't move to Albert Square...
Don’t ask me how I fell into this. I think I was bored, or I wanted to see whether Harold Bishop is still in Neighbours and still plays the tuba. It turns out that soap star Wikipedia pages are some of the most depressing pages on the internet and are, for some reason, so extensively written. Are the Line of Duty interviews getting longer? And which one is the most intense? Scott Bryan investigates… You think you’re having a rubbish day? Trust me, you’re having the best day of your life compared to some of these people. View oEmbed on the source website Neighbours Let’s start with Susan Kennedy, one of the show’s most well-known characters. Susan once slipped on spilt milk, banged her head, got amnesia and, as a result, thought it was 1972 and that she was 15. This was a storyline that lasted about six months. Next, there’s Harold. Harold famously was swept out to sea and came back five years later not remembering why. The love of his life, Madge, then died, then came back in an episode as a ghost. Still, could have been worse. Toadfish accidentally drove his car off a cliff into the sea with his partner Dee on their wedding night, only for Dee to turn up at his house 14 years later. Only for it not to be Dee, but a lookalike pretending to be Dee, even though both characters were played by the same actor. All of this is nothing compared to Neighbours baddie Paul Robinson. Known for his evil schemes, he once found it impossible to be evil because of a brain tumour. This was after he had his leg amputated after falling off a cliff. He was then held hostage in a mineshaft by his estranged son, who was responsible for a plane crash that killed half of his neighbours. I asked people for their favourite WTF soap storylines and this one came up. It was very dramatic. View oEmbed on the source website Then some good news: Paul gets married! Oh, wait... he gets shot at the wedding. When I eventually scrolled down to a section of his Wikipedia about him being pushed off a balcony at a hotel, I realised that all of these things took place within a five-year period. Still. Could have been worse. In a spin-off Neighbours Halloween YouTube series, Paul Robinson... inadvertently causes the zombie apocalypse. Just before everyone is eaten alive, Susan Kennedy tells him: “Why am I not surprised? Paul Robinson, responsible for the end of mankind.” To be honest, after reading his Wikipedia page, I am not surprised either. View oEmbed on the source website Of course, no Neighbours review would be a review without Bounce, the show’s most famous dog. In addition to us seeing one of Bounce’s dreams, do you remember that Bounce once saved Madge from a chip pan fire? All true. There’s also this: View oEmbed on the source website Hollyoaks There’s a lot of death in Hollyoaks, so much so there’s even an entire Wikipedia dedicated to the deaths in Hollyoaks. In 2018 alone there were 14. That’s one death every three-and-a-half weeks. Still, it doesn’t mean that there aren't some lighthearted twists in the show, like this short story on Ste Hay’s page without any explanation: “Harry discovers that Ste slept with John Paul and they fight, knocking a glass of wine over Amy's dress. Furious, she decides to move to America.” Bit dramatic. I spent a lot of time on Mercedes’ Wikipedia: During her first wedding she admits having an affair after her second wedding she is kidnapped she walks out after admitting an affair with her fiancé's Dad on her third during her fourth her fiancé says, “I’ll love you until I die” (which is ironic because he then dies) the groom doesn’t even bother turning up to the fifth. And the sixth? I don’t want to spoil it for you in case you haven’t caught up yet, but needless to say it doesn’t go that well... Mercedes is due to have her seventh wedding next month (best of luck!). And yet, we can top that. And I am not taking anything out of context when I say this. In one Hollyoaks storyline, someone befriends an alien called Kevin. The alien raises more questions than answers, but mostly: Kevin? Really? Then there’s this: View oEmbed on the source website There was also the storyline where Carmel is convinced that she can see Jesus in a jacket potato. Emmerdale When your show is best known for having a dramatic plane crash that is hardly mentioned ever again, where do you go next? Turns out, Jai. Jai’s son Archie goes missing. Someone approaches him saying that if he pays him lots of money he could get him back. The twist? It is someone else’s child, but Jai doesn’t realise that the child he bought back isn’t actually his: “On learning that he has bought someone else's child, Jai calls Social Services, giving "Archie" to them and later learns that Josh sold his own son.” Sure. OK. Then in 2017, Charity tries to defraud a bank manager out of £50,000 by pretending to be someone else at a branch, taking a tranquilliser in case she is caught out. Unfortunately, she accidentally fires it at herself shortly after taking it out of her hand bag. Happens to me all the time. EastEnders My word, EastEnders is dark: “With Sean's help, Tanya drugs Max and puts him in a coffin before burying him alive in the woods, knowing that a similar thing happened to him when he was 13.” Then there’s the infamous Kat Slater baby swap storyline, and Denise Fox turning up not long after everyone assumed that she had drowned in a canal. Ian Beale’s life is little better: “Ian attempts to move on by filling an urn with cigarette ash, pretending that he is a widower and that the ashes are Jane in order to gain attention from women. However his ruse is soon uncovered.” Same, mate. Same. As for Pat? “While the Butchers and Evanses are holidaying in Spain, Frank seduces Pat. Pat tries to end the affair but when Frank turns up on her doorstep naked (apart from a comedy bow-tie), she realises that she had never stopped loving him either.” I am not a typical EastEnders viewer. When I ask around, it appears the most ridiculous storyline in recent years was one where they changed bin collections on the Square from fortnightly to weekly. That seems to have traumatised just about everybody. Then there’s this: View oEmbed on the source website Coronation Street As the show has existed for more than 60 years, I am anxious in case I missed any, but highlights include Joe McIntyre, who tried to fake his own death but then, um… accidentally drowned. There’s also this, from Cilla’s Wikipedia: “Les buys them a large bathtub, but when Chesney's dog Schmeichel decides to join them, it crashes through the floor, due to the extra weight.” View oEmbed on the source website Also John Staples, who stole someone’s identity, but then the real person dies, so he buries him in the hole underneath a factory. When someone else finds him doing this, he kills them, then he accidentally kills someone else, then he disappears after jumping off a hotel room after being cornered by police, then he dies in a car crash. Note to self: don’t steal somebody else’s identity. Suggestions from Twitter included: View oEmbed on the source website And: View oEmbed on the source website To be honest, it's hard to keep up when this happened just two weeks ago: View oEmbed on the source website Sunset Beach If you thought these were wild, let’s compare them to some of the most notorious storylines from American sitcoms, starting with the Wikipedia of the short-lived US soap Sunset Beach. It gained a dedicated following in the UK when Channel 5 aired it, with storylines such as: “Virginia drugged Vanessa and, using a turkey baster and some stolen sperm, impregnated her with the child of Tyus Robinson, to make it appear Vanessa had been unfaithful to Michael.” And: “The show took a supernatural turn for a while with some cursed jewels, stolen from a religious icon, that turned those who'd touched them into shrivelled mummies.” I needed more clarity with the second one. Luckily, Twitter provided. View oEmbed on the source website In conclusion, who has the worst life in a soap? Turns out: EVERYBODY.
How accurate are TV countdown shows? And why did we all get angry at Channel 5 over packets of crisps? Scott Bryan investigates...
From chocolate bars to biscuits to royals, we analyse Channel 5's countdown programmes - and, of course, rank them...
It’s been a week since we all collectively lost it over this Channel 5 meme. That’s right, of all of the things to be angry at right now, it was a meme from a Channel 5 Twitter account revealing the results of a two hour countdown of Britain’s Favourite Crisps, that tipped us over the edge. Why? There’s no Discos, Skips or Space Rangers. The winner? Pringles, the crisp equivalent of dust. And look at the meme. LOOK AT IT. Not only are your choices at the bottom, the words “don’t come anywhere near me with these” are alongside them, even though they made the Top 20. Are the Line of Duty interviews getting longer? And which one is the most intense? Scott Bryan investigates… Countdown shows have always been a successful television format. Why? They’re cheap. The contributors are paid something like £400 to talk about crisps (and who would say no to being paid £400 to talk about crisps?). And you watch at home because you’re drunk or because, in a weird way, it generates a nostalgia hole from the topic being discussed, which in turn results in you talking all over the celebrities who were paid something like £400 to talk about crisps. Next, Channel 5 are ranking Britain’s favourite takeaways (no, really). There’s speculation that they are soon going to be ranking cleaning products. But after the crisp outrage, it makes me wonder. Are they always this inaccurate? Are they literally out to troll us? So, I decided to re-watch every recent Channel 5 countdown show to work it all out (in case you're wondering, the shows have recently either been about snacks or the Royal Family for some reason). FIRST: BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE CHOCOLATE I’ve noticed that these shows contain Olympic levels of padding. How long are these shows? Two hours. How long did they take to talk about Mars Bars? 10 minutes. “I’m speechless” said one of the celebrities when Toblerone came 18th, followed by a discussion on why they are available in bigger sizes at airports (spoiler: no explanation was ever given). We then heard from one contributor that she buys a Bounty when she’s going on holiday because it feels like a holiday. Then, “it’s there to stay” Joe Swash said about Wispa. “I think it’s stronger than it’s ever been.” Then later, during a discussion about how Bounty is now available in a “trio” size (three bars in one) rather than a conventional duo, a talking head asked the question: ‘Where will this end?” “WHEN WILL THIS SHOW END?” I shouted back. “WHEN?” I then decided to recreate Channel 5’s meme, including their sassy comment at the bottom, so we can see whether there’s any obvious errors and troll them at their own game: THE TOP TWENTY: 20. Mars 19. Galaxy Caramel 18. Toblerone 17. Bournville 16. Green & Blacks 15. Crunchie. 14. Thorntons. 13. Twix. 12. Boost 11. Lindt 10. Wispa. 9. Cadbury Caramel 8. Maltesers 7. Bounty 6. Snickers 5. Ferrero Rocher 4. Dairy Milk Fruit & Nut 3. Galaxy 2. Aero 1. Dairy Milk REACTION: WHO BUYS FERRERO ROCHER? I only have once. And that time wasn’t for me, it was for my parents at Dover on a French Exchange, because I didn’t get them a present in France and I assumed all parents just ate Ferrero Rocher to pass the time. This only a few years after I was given £20 by my Dad to purchase a Christmas present for other members of my family and I bought my Mum a bottle of Head & Shoulders costing 50p. I was 8. She has forgiven me, but it’s one of those incidents that I’ll be reminded about by my family until I am 80. 2. BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE BISCUITS They counted down ten biscuits in two hours, the equivalent of one biscuit every 12 minutes. There was even an extensive analysis of what biscuit can be dunked the most times before falling apart. Twice. Towards the end of the show I was anxious that I was falling apart. Oh, you want to know what biscuit is the best dunker? Fine. Have it your way. Fig Rolls came first, followed by Pink Wafer, followed by Wagon Wheels. All horrible biscuits. Buy some. Buy ten. Then dunk them. See if I care. THE TOP TWENTY: 20. Chunky Cookie 19. Hob Nob 18. Chocolate Finger 17. Malted Milk 16. Chocolate Chip Cookie. 15. Fig Roll 14. Rich Tea 13. Double Chocolate Chip 12. Caramel Wafer 11. Kit Kat 10. Wagon Wheel 9. Plain Digestive 8. Ginger Nut 7. Jaffa Cake 6. Bourbon 5. Shortbread 4. Custard Creme 3. Jammie Dodger 2. Chocolate Hobnob 1. Chocolate Digestive MY REACTION: Hobnobs on the bottom bar, but Chocolate Hobnobs third? Who hurt you? Jaffa Cakes are technically cakes, but they give them seventh on a biscuit show? SURE. Congratulations for making a biscuit show that makes Britain’s Favourite Chocolate seem like engaging and classy television, which is quite an achievement I assure you. 3. BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE SWEETS If you want to see Phil Tufnell talking about why he prefers the name Opal Fruits rather than Starburst, you’ve come to the right place. This is also the place to see someone fail at breaking the World Record for eating the most marshmallows in one minute. There’s then a dramatic revelation that wine gums don’t contain wine. You can tell I’m really enjoying this. THE TOP TWENTY: 20. Rhubarb & Custard 19. Liquorice 18. Black Jack 17. Sherbert Lemons 16. Starburst 15. Maoam 14. Jelly Belly 13. Candy Floss 12. Bumper Bag 11. Werther’s Originals 10. Bonbons 9. 8. Haribo Tangfastics 7. Skittles 6. Liquorice Allsorts 5. Wine Gums 4. Jelly Babies 3. Fudge 2. Eclairs 1. Haribo MY REACTION: A total mess. Werther’s Original better than Starburst and Maoam? What the hell. Where are Fruit Gums? I'll have you know that a bumper bag contains more than six totally different type of sweets, including Love Hearts, Drumstick and Refreshers. And out of all of the ones that could have won, the blandest flavour of Haribo comes first. Tangfastics deserve more. 4. BRITAIN’S FAVOURITE ROYAL C’mon. Number one is The Queen. It’s The Queen. Why are we wasting your time? Also, why do Royal Correspondents sound posher than the rest of us? What exactly is an ‘Etiquette Expert’? There’s even an entire segment on what you do when you meet a Royal, with rules that I pay a little bit more attention to than I should, in the exceptionally unlikely event that I bump into one between here and Tesco Metro later on. THE TOP TEN: 10. Zara Tindall 9. Prince George 8. Meghan, Duchess of Cambridge 7. Princess Anne 6. Prince Charles 5. Prince Philip 4 Prince William. 3. Prince William 2. Prince Harry 1. The Queen REACTION: I’m not going to make one. I’m British. And now, rather inevitably… I have ranked the Channel 5 documentaries. 5. Britain’s Favourite Crisps 4. Britain’s Favourite Chocolate 3. Britain’s Favourite Sweets 2. Britain’s Favourite Biscuits 1. Britain’s Favourite Royal At first, I thought that Channel 5 had gotten it rather wrong, but after making these rather hideous graphics I had a long think about the top choices in all of these shows. In case you have forgotten, here’s what made the top: Pringles, Dairy Milk, Chocolate Digestives, Haribo. Oh and The Queen. All of these things reflect Britain rather well. Don’t you think? To be honest, maybe Channel 5 is onto something. Britain’s Favourite Takeaway is on Channel 5 on Friday 5th April at 9pm
Are the Line of Duty interviews getting longer? And which one is the most intense? Scott Bryan investigates…
RadioTimes.com's new weekly TV columnist goes undercover at the heart of AC-12 (by staying at home and watching A LOT of iPlayer)
There is nothing like a Line of Duty police interrogation scene. The anxiety, the catchphrases, the fact that everything in the interrogation room looks beige. It’s the only scene on television that is accompanied with a cassette tape and the sound of an airhorn kicking off an interview. But which AC-12 interview is the most intense? When did we hear our first airhorn? Has Steve Arnott (Martin Compston) always worn a waistcoat? I re-watched every single AC-12 interrogation scene to work it all out. Not that you’ve asked mind, but that hasn’t stopped me... Line of Duty series 5 spoiler-free preview What happened at the end of Line of Duty series four? INTERVIEW ONE AND TWO - (S1: Episode 1) Length: 2 minutes in total. Intensity: 1/10. Cassette: No beeping yet. This interview is in regards to DCI Tony Gates not declaring in his expenses his free breakfast at the Sunflower Cafe. That’s it. I mean, as a matter of contrasts here [ahem, spoiler alert], the interview scene at the end of series three ended with a gun fight followed by Kate Fleming (Vicky McClure) following someone whilst clinging onto the side of a lorry. However, we should note that Ted Hastings (Adrian Dunbar) plants his first catchphrase (“like the battle”) and says “interview terminated” when he presses stop on a police tape. At the end of the interview, he issues Gates a document referred to as a "yellow notice." Personally speaking, I am now tempted to end any interview I will ever conduct by shouting “INTERVIEW TERMINATED” at the interviewee. I also want to hand out "yellow notices” to friends if they are ever late to something like brunch. As a result I won’t ever be offered any interviews, nor will I have any friends, but in the meantime I’ll have a lot of fun. INTERVIEWS THREE TO SIX - (S1: Episode 2-5) Length: 13 minutes in total. Intensity: 4/10. Cassette: No beeping yet. The investigation into Tony has now been widened. We see a police federation representative, who is there to represent and defend Tony, a role in the Line of Duty world known for being eternally frustrated by everything that is going on around them. Therefore, I am tempted to add a new line of enquiry in this piece: Federation Rep Wanting the Interview to be Terminated: 7/10. With the line of questioning against Gates intensifying, the Federation Rep retaliates by dropping the catchphrase: “DCI Gates is entitled to be questioned by an officer at least one rank superior,” before acting as if we all left the ovens on in all of our homes and we all should go home immediately. She also says something that is funnier without any context: INTERVIEW SEVEN - (S2: Episode 1) Length: 11 minutes. Intensity: 6/10. Cassette beep started yet? WE HAVE A BEEP. Federation Rep Wanting Interview Termination: 8/10 BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. To celebrate, I play this beep loudly whilst boiling the kettle for a celebratory cup of tea. We then hear “DCI Denton is entitled to be questioned by an officer at least one rank superior.” Boom! Another cup of tea. And the Federation Rep loses it several times and at one point says: “This interview has to stop.” It’s basically passive aggressive cassette tape airhorn interview Christmas. Oh, and in case you have been wondering. I have been recording how long the interviews are manually via the stopwatch setting on my iPhone. And in completely unrelated news, I’m single. INTERVIEW EIGHT - (S2: Episode 2) Interview length: 17 minutes. Intensity: 8/10. The interview length here is nearly a third of an episode. And it is the most intense interview of the show ever. A lot of this is down to Keeley Hawes playing the fantastic Lindsay Denton, but I also think some of it is down to Steve Arnott first showing us a map that looks as if he designed it on Microsoft Paint. It’s going to be so exciting when he finally discovers Google Maps. INTERVIEW NINE AND TEN - (S2: Episode 4) Length: 8 minutes 30 in total. Intensity: 5/10. What I haven’t noticed until now is that sometimes tension in these interviews is added by someone pouring themselves a glass of water before responding to an accusation by AC-12. Here, someone pours several glasses of water before the interview even starts. I’m starting to consider whether I should start investigating Water Pouring Tension: (6/10) but I am also starting to wonder whether I am getting far too much into this and I should actually go outside. The following interview features no water being poured, no cassette beeps, but the proud introduction of two police officers standing outside like mannequins staring at a nearby wall. Oh and a new catchphrase, Hastings in slight frustration, leaning back on his chair and proudly proclaiming “give me strength.” A proud day. INTERVIEW ELEVEN - (S2: Episode 5) Length: 16 minutes. Intensity: 7/10 Water Pouring Tension: 6/10. You know things are bad when you are not the one pouring water to increase the tension, your federation representative is the one who is pouring the water for you. That’s all I’m saying. INTERVIEW TWELVE TO SEVENTEEN - (S2: Episode 6) Length: 12 minutes in total Intensity: 6/10. A trio of interviews in quick succession. For reasons that I won’t go into because it doesn’t involve cassettes and tap water, Steve Arnott is now representing Lindsay Denton, Hastings terminates an interview sounding as if someone has punched him in the stomach and the pouring-water-for-tension (current rating: 7/10) appears to be getting to everybody as Lindsay is asking the room if she can pop out for a loo break. INTERVIEW EIGHTEEN - (S3: Episode 1) Length: 12 mins 30. Intensity: 9/10. Federation Rep Wanting Interview Termination: 10/10 [“This line of inquiry is offensive.”] We are now in season three. The graphics have been upgraded. There are even touch-screens. Remember, in the first episode of the first series we were one heartbeat away from a slightly broken Geography lesson overhead projector. It’s like they just discovered the internet exists. Also, for historical purposes, I should note that Steve Arnott’s waistcoats are now a thing. It took this long! I tell my Dad. He doesn’t actually watch Line of Duty. A new metric being currently mooted by me: Steve Arnott Waistcoat Intensity: 3/10 INTERVIEW NINETEEN TO TWENTY FOUR - (S3: Episode: 2-5) Length: 21 minutes 40 seconds. Intensity: 8/10. I have been watching these interviews for so long now I’m starting to worry that I’m going to start talking to people like they are in an AC-12 interview for the rest of my life. I’m also slightly starting to regret doing this. If only there was a catchphrase by Hastings that reflected my feelings right now. Oh wait, he has. Thanks Ted. INTERVIEW TWENTY FIVE TO TWENTY SEVEN - (S3: Episode 6) Length: 46 minutes in total. Intensity: TEN OUT OF TEN. IT’S THE LORRY EPISODE. BLOODY HELL. OK THIS EPISODE WINS IN TERMS OF INTERVIEW INTENSITY. The interview is terminated because the police officer hatches an escape plan, which results in a gunfight. It results in a dramatic chase across town. I have decided to add a new metric: Kate Fleming Riding On The Side Of A Lorry With A Loaded Weapon: 10/10. But the most intense moment of it all? Steve Arnott is being interviewed as a suspect, wearing a slightly baggy jumper, not his waistcoat. INTERVIEW TWENTY EIGHT TO THIRTY - (S4: Episode 1-6) Length: 54 minutes 30 seconds in total. Intensity: 7/10. Cassette Beep? YES And now, finally, onto the BBC One series, the one with Roz Huntley. For one thing, following the slightly dramatic situation at the end of the last series they have now painted the interrogation room a nice shade of blue. I could also launch a new investigation Hastings’ Sassy Responses to the Federation Rep after he says: “That is an inflammatory accusation.” He responds with: This happens again in a later interview. When Hastings is told that his tone is oppressive, he simply responds with: “She’s an SIO. 20 years on the force, fella. If she can’t take it, God help us all.” I also wish that I counted every time Hastings said fella too throughout this entire process, but my editor actually wants this piece to be published before Line of Duty comes back and not after the series actually ends. [We still cut it pretty fine, Scott - ed.] The final interview in the final episode ends in a gunfight in the beige reception area. I think we can all agree that we are a million miles away from our first interview at the Sunflower Cafe. In conclusion, I’m very tired and trying to explain to my housemate what I have been doing takes rather a long time. Here are my findings. The third series has the longest length in police interrogations and they are some of the most intensive. The fourth series had a bit of a dip, but then again they did paint the interrogation room blue, maybe that helped. As a bonus, I have also calculated this. For the latest news and expert tips on getting the best deals this year, take a look at our Black Friday 2021 and Cyber Monday 2021 I am pleased that this took so much time. No, really. This absolutely did not take 12 hours. And in complete coincidence ARTICLE TERMINATED. Scott Bryan writes a weekly TV column for RadioTimes.com. Come back next Friday at 12 noon to find out what he investigates next. In the meantime you can follow him on Twitter, if you like. Line of Duty series five begins on Sunday 31st March on BBC1 at 9pm - here's everything you need to know View oEmbed on the source website The RadioTimes.com Podcast: subscribe on iTunes / subscribe on Google Podcasts