Peaky Blinders: Best quotes from the BBC crime drama
Read this article, by order of the Peaky Blinders.
As we continue to wait for the highly anticipated Peaky Blinders movie, it feels like an age since we last caught up with Tommy and the rest of the Shelby clan. The series, which ran for six seasons between 2013 and 2022, was created by Steven Knight and starred Cillian Murphy, Paul Anderson, Tom Hardy, Helen McCrory and more acclaimed actors. Even though the series is finished, that doesn't mean there won't be further opportunities to catch up with the Peaky Blinders. Not only is the aforementioned movie in the works and set to film this year, but it has also been reported that multiple spin-off series are in the works, including one set in Boston 20 years after the original series, and another centred on Polly Gray, the Shelby matriarch who was played by the late Helen McCrory. Of course, one of the reasons the show has remained so popular over the years is its iconic dialogue, often full of wit, other times full of menace or poetry - but always memorable. We've rounded up a few of the best quotes from across the show's entire run below, to tide you over before the film or any spin-offs arrive. Read on for some of the best quotes from Peaky Blinders. View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website View Green Video on the source website Peaky Blinders seasons 1-6 are available to watch on BBC iPlayer. Looking for something else to watch? Check out our TV Guide or visit our dedicated Drama hub for the latest news. Try Radio Times magazine today and get 10 issues for only £10 – subscribe now. For more from the biggest stars in TV, listen to The Radio Times Podcast.
Who is Patrick Ness? Meet the man behind the new Doctor Who spin-off Class
The Young Adult author is helming BBC America's new sci-fi, but who is he?
He's the man behind Class, the new Doctor Who spin-off show for BBC America, but who exactly is Patrick Ness? Born in Virginia in 1971, but currently living in London, Ness holds dual American/British citizenship. He has written nine books in total, six of which have been for young adults, including the dystopian trilogy Chaos Walking set in a world of rampant telepathy. Among his many awards are two Carnegie Medals and the Costa Children’s Book Award. He has adapted his own novel A Monster Calls for a film starring Liam Neeson, Felicity Jones and Sigourney Weaver, slated for release October 2016, but Class will be his first television drama. This will not be Ness’s first work in the Doctor Who universe, though. He previously wrote the ebook short story Tip of the Tongue, starring the fifth Doctor Peter Davison, to tie in with the show’s 50th anniversary in 2013. View oEmbed on the source website His latest novel The Rest of Us Just Live Here follows ordinary teenagers at the periphery of paranormal adventures at their school, a premise that sounds similar to the new show. The Guardian described the book as “by turns hilarious and poignant… a novel that requires you to suspend your disbelief and enjoy the ride.” He likes sushi cats. He dislikes onions. “Intensely.” Doctor Who spin-off show Class to bring Buffy and Hunger Games-style adventures to BBC3 Doctor Who and the history of Coal Hill School 11 questions and some answers about Doctor Who spin-off Class
Lucy Davis on The Office, body image and her new role in Wonder Woman
After stealing our hearts as Dawn in Ricky Gervais’s hit comedy all those years ago, the actress is now rubbing shoulders with superheroes
What’s the main difference between a paper merchant’s in Slough and the Greek island home of Wonder Woman and the Amazons? The food. “Hollywood films have a massive craft food service backstage, with all sorts of things,” says Lucy Davis. “At home, you tend to get a tin of Rovers biscuits at 4 o’clock.” Davis is best known as The Office’s Dawn, but since 2004 she’s lived in Hollywood, and is about to make her blockbuster film debut in Wonder Woman (in cinemas from Thursday 1 June), as WW’s best friend Etta Candy. Comic-book fans know that Wonder Woman was moulded from clay by her mother. Etta Candy is more likely to have been carved out of fudge. “I hadn’t heard of Etta, but loved Lynda Carter’s Wonder Woman as a kid,” Davis says. “Every night for about a year, I would twirl around my bed. It was a routine, I was positive it would turn me into her.” As Etta Candy in Wonder Woman Davis, 44, grew up among show business gods. Her father Jasper Carrott (real name Robert Norman Davis) was a comedy mega-star, and she credits her comedy career to another British TV legend. “It was David Renwick, creator of One Foot in the Grave,” she explains. “He told me that I was funny. I don’t want to sound arrogant, but it was the first time I went, ‘Comedy? Me?’” Then came The Office in 2001, and after that the move to America. Despite her co-stars Ricky Gervais, Martin Freeman and Mackenzie Crook making the jump across the Atlantic, she doesn’t hear much from them. So, no meetings to discuss any reunions? If I ever saw any of them I’d be delighted,” she says. “We had a blast doing it but we all naturally fell apart, went our separate ways.” The intervening years have seen her work with a new pantheon of talent, including Aaron Sorkin and Matthew Perry on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. The sitcom Better Things, created by Pamela Adlon and Louis CK, is filming its second series – “I play a paranoid, insecure, drug-addled cougar. I love it.” Chris Pine as Steve Trevor, Lucy Davis as Etta and Gal Gadot as Diana Prince/Wonder Woman Now as Etta, she’s rubbing shoulders with superheroes. It’s set during the First World War (rather than the Second World War of the comic), and Etta is a woman of Bakelite words: moxie, gumption, pluck. “She was probably a big part of women getting the vote,” Davis argues. Fans have clamoured for a modern female superhero movie for years now. “The time is right for a female superhero directed by this amazing female director (Patty Jenkins),” Davis agrees. “We’ve just had the world’s biggest women’s march, you know?” Wonder Woman reflects her creator, psychologist William Moulton Marston, who invented the first lie detector (hence WW’s “truth telling” lasso). Yet Etta might be his most forward-looking creation, the first “body positive” superhero. While Diana Prince teetered around in heels and a star-spangled swimsuit, Etta leapt into battle with the catchphrase, “For the love of chocolate!” She loved herself, candy and fighting, in that order. The Office “Etta is extremely not ‘body conscious’,” Davis explains. “It wouldn’t even enter her head that there was a ‘right or wrong’ way for your body to be.” Not everyone has such a joyful attitude to their figure, and food can be as strong as any super villain, as Davis knows all too well. Back in 2012 she said in an interview: “I’d diet for five days, then binge eat a week’s worth of food in one.” Bulimia left her with burst blood vessels in her eyes but “the feeling I was finally in control and safe. I was unprepared for the high that came with it.” “I’ve had to journey a lot of my life with the eating stuff,” she now explains. “I initially decided to speak about my anorexia and bulimia, partly out of a selfish motivation. I felt I had been scrutinised for my weight and thought ‘at least judge and criticise me on the facts’. There was a freedom with that. Now it’s out there and I just get on with life. I’m at peace with things.” It’s a struggle familiar to many, including this writer, and her attitude is impressive. For outsiders, it’s a baffling compulsion, but bingeing and starvation can feel like an odd superpower: the self-control to reshape yourself over and over again like clay. Yes, it’s painful and can leave your body looking like the big top collapsed at the circus, but it’s wonderful, too. “I understand others’ lack of understanding,” Davis says. “In a way it’s great, because it means they haven’t gone through it.” As Dawn in The Office Davis joined Overeaters Anonymous to find help, and I’m not the first to thank her for speaking out. “When you are open about your things, people feel more able to talk to you,” she says. “I think that’s a nice thing, because people get help and don’t feel so isolated. “I surprised myself at how far I’ve been able to come, by truly being OK with who I am. Etta mirrored me in my journey a little bit. Obviously, the point of Etta is she’s much bigger than Wonder Woman, so that meant I didn’t ever think ‘hold your stomach in’. I felt a huge amount of freedom playing her. I just... was.” Wonder Woman and her proportions have always been controversial in the debate over body image. A cross-promotion between the film and ThinkThin diet bars recently sparked outrage. Yet Davis believes in fighting the right battles. “I’m OK with it. If you want it, go and have it, and if you don’t, don’t – people want different things and that’s OK. We’re always trying to say things are right or wrong, bad or good. If we just chilled out, maybe things wouldn’t be so hard.” It remains to be seen whether Wonder Woman can be the 21st century hero everyone wants her to be. But with Etta Candy in tow, here’s hoping we can all have our cake and bloody well eat it, too.
David Lynch's damn fine mind warp is a must-watch ahead of the series' revival later this year
Visit Twin Peaks with its majestic waterfalls, verdant mountains and meticulous, slicing sawmill. It’s a town where the air is fresh, everyone knows everyone and beauty queen Laura Palmer has been brutally murdered. So far, so Broadchurch (or any number of dramas where death comes to a close-knit community), but Twin Peaks is less a whodunnit than a whatsgoingon. Unable to use the violence and sex that fleck his movies, in 1990 director David Lynch got funnier and even stranger on TV. Plot is replaced by a dreamlike series of images and symbols: 1950s easy listening, striped linoleum, drugs, serial killers, demonic possession, high-school sweethearts, soap operas, prostitution, a reverse-talking hallucinated dwarf, strong black coffee and “damn fine” cherry pie. It’s an Americana migraine, provincial values peeled away to reveal sin and depravity. Underneath it all is Angelo Badalamenti’s bucolic and unsettling soundtrack: dread in plaid. Some view Twin Peaks as watered down, accessible Lynch, but that’s to underestimate its achievement. When you go to the cinema to see Blue Velvet, you are somewhat prepared. Twin Peaks was broadcast in primetime and was a massive ratings success. The real draw here is the unique atmosphere: watching episodes back to back sends you into a pine-scented trance. Yet it’s solving the central mystery that will keep you hooked. When Lynch bowed to pressure from the network and revealed Laura Palmer’s killer halfway through series two, viewers departed, the plug was pulled and the finale was left on a cliffhanger. But a flawed masterpiece is still a masterpiece. TV has improved a lot since it first appeared, but Twin Peaks remains evergreen. Watch Twin Peaks via Amazon Video, iTunes and more. The new series will air on Sky Atlantic in the UK
Karen Gillan talks sci-fi, sexism and her LA search for a battered-sausage supper
The Guardians of the Galaxy star hasn't forgotten her Scottish roots
Here’s the thing about Karen Gillan: she makes me feel bad. She’s red-headed (like me), 29 years old (same, pretty much) and was born in Inverness before moving to Edinburgh (check). After going down to London, aged 18, she served behind the bar at The Pilgrim in Kennington. Then she was cast in Doctor Who and the rest is history. The Pilgrim is two doors down from my first flat in the capital. I was a regular. So, why is her life so much better than mine? “Hey! You’re writing for Radio Times! That’s not so bad,” she laughs. Despite moving to LA five years ago and currently awaiting the release of her second Marvel blockbuster – Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 (in cinemas from Friday 28 April) – she hasn’t sold out her essential Scottishness. She’s still ethereally fair-skinned, like a spirit that tricks you into a bog: “I go to a fitness class and I’m so pale in a sea of tanned people.” She’s still Scottish about the weather: “It’s stormy in LA. People are taking days off work, and I’m just walking through like it’s nothing.” And she still hankers after the taste of home: “You can not get a battered-sausage supper in this town.” Guardians of the Galaxy Not that nostalgia has ever held her back. Her biggest career moves have been heralded by a change of city: London led to her being cast as the Doctor’s companion; LA to her role in horror film Oculus. Is she following a grand plan or just making canny moves? “When I was 15 I said, ‘I’m going to move to Los Angeles’,” she explains. “My Gran said, ‘Try to get accepted into the school talent show first.’” The one constant in her career has been sci-fi. Far from the fears of typecasting that used to make it career suicide, the genre has been very useful to her. “I didn’t fear typecasting,” she says. “Maybe I set the tone with Doctor Who, but I like conventions and I like people dressing up – it’s great. I think because I was a bit nerdy in school, they can sense it in me!” Yet, from the beginning, Gillan has been dogged by the genre’s space princess/whore complex. Gillan’s casting as Amy Pond in Doctor Who led to arguments about the length of her skirt and the character’s job as a “kissogram”. Now another controversy has broken out over her outfit in the upcoming Jumanji. In promo shots, while co-star Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is dressed in sensible safari gear, Gillan is in a Lara Croft-esque, midriff-exposing costume. “It’s interesting that the uproar happened with Doctor Who and was repeated with Jumanji,” she muses. “If I was just wearing the costumes and it was completely gratuitous, then I would feel exploited – but I generally don’t. I feel like it was a valid part of Amy Pond’s character, in that she was a little messed up and the Doctor sort of helped her. And in Jumanji we definitely address this issue. My character does not want to be wearing what she’s wearing, and we dive right into that argument.” Doctor Who Gillan is clearly aware of the dark side of fandom. She launched herself as a writer and director with Conventional back in 2015, a horror short that harks back to the films she used to make as a child. (“My parents would star, and there would be tomato sauce for blood.”) In the film, a washed-up genre actress ekes out a living signing memorabilia and literally prostituting herself to fans. It’s pitch black and funny in a very Scottish way, and nails the priapic rage and jealousy of men towards the objects of their obsession. Has she experienced incidents of sexism or misogyny? “There are definitely gender-inequality issues in most societies, but I’ve never experienced direct sexism. I feel like I’m a bit silly but I also know what I want. I don’t give out the energy to invite sexism. I want to be in a position where I feel strong and authoritative, and I just don’t think that allows for that.” And when it comes to the idea of a female Doctor Who, she’s all for it. “Absolutely! A woman Doctor would be really cool because a lot of people are sceptical about having a woman play the role, but I think they probably were before Kathryn Janeway came along in Star Trek: Voyager, and she was amazing.” Jumanji These themes of dark humour, feminism and Scottishness come together in Gillan’s first feature film as director, due out next year. Tupperware Party was filmed in Inverness by a female-led team. “It’s not as if we were like, ‘We only want women!’” she explains, “It’s just women were the best people for the job.” Described by Gillan as a “funny film about a dark subject” (coping with suicide), Tupperware Party is a homecoming for Inverness’s prodigal daughter. “We really dive into this Scottish idea of not talking about your emotions. It’s not an out-and-out comedy, it’s about the humour in adverse situations.” Maybe it’s this upbeat nihilism that explains her drive to succeed. “My dad is always telling me to make my own tea,” she agrees, “because I shouldn’t get reliant on other people doing that.” And ultimately that’s why it’s hard to begrudge Gillan her success, even while some of us are still drowning our sorrows at The Pilgrim. “Well,” she offers as consolation, “they did have jazz every Tuesday.” Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 is in cinemas from Friday 28 April
Karen Gillan thanks Doctor Who showrunner Steven Moffat "for giving me a career"
And the former companion reminisces about her first audition alongside Eleventh Doctor Matt Smith
Peter Capaldi isn’t the only one leaving the Tardis at the end of this series. Fellow superfan Steven Moffat will regenerate into Broadchurch creator Chris Chibnalll in time for the Doctor’s return. And former companion Karen Gillan couldn’t let Moffat go without reminiscing about her time on the show, and thanking the showrunner for the boost he gave her career... “Going in for the recall audition for Doctor Who and reading with [Eleventh Doctor] Matt Smith was when it came alive,” she recalls. “It wasn’t just what I was doing, it’s what he was doing combined with what I was doing. That combination really worked, the energies came together. I think that’s what [Moffat] saw. He felt it.” Of course, Gillan is now travelling the universe with a new crowd – her villainous character Nebula teams up with former foes the Guardians of the Galaxy in Marvel’s sequel, out this week. If nothing else, Gillan is proof that there is life after Who, so has she spoken to Moffat about his next step? “I haven’t spoken to him about it actually, but I do need to call him and thank him for giving me a career, because he’s responsible for it!” Oh, and speaking of stellar careers, any advice for new companion Pearl Mackie on how to parlay Doctor Who into Hollywood credits? “I’ve watched the trailer and stuff and she looks amazing," says Gillan. "I’m so excited to see what she does with the role, and she seems like a total breath of fresh air, so I’m really excited for her.” “I don’t think she needs any advice from the likes of me! I think she will be just fine.” Karen Gillan stars as Nebula in Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, out in UK cinemas on Friday 28th April
New Outnumbered Christmas special photos revealed and, surprise surprise, the kids are all grown up
The Brockmans return after three years – how time flies...
Outnumbered is a reliably hilarious peek into frantic family life, and every visit to the Brockmans' is a welcome one. Plus this year's Christmas special, the first in three years, sounds great, involving an interminable Boxing Day car ride to complete a "special mission" for grandad. So yes, we're looking forward to another 40 minute episode on BBC1 from Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin, with Hugh Dennis, Claire Skinner, Tyger Drew-Honey, Daniel Roche and Ramona Marquez all returning. But we're also crying and singing Cat Stevens. And you should too. I know we've come a long way... We're changing day to day... But tell me... Where do the children play-ay-ay-ay-aaaaaaaay? View oEmbed on the source website [Breaks down sobbing] See more pictures of the Outnumbered cast here
Matt Terry wins the X Factor 2016 - the results as they happened
Matt and Saara Aalto fought a titanic battle
10.45 Matt Terry sings When Christmas Comes Around for the first time. View oEmbed on the source website 10.30 Jonathan's Final Thought Eight weeks ago I started this live blog as an X Factor virgin, having never watched an episode. I honestly came into it with an open mind. I’ve long since aged out of thinking that popularity automatically means something is rubbish. On the whole I want to be like other people, and I want other people to like me. It’s the human condition. Plus, while Strictly Come Dancing looks as appealing as playing the Knife Game with a fork, singing is a universal joy. But after eight weeks of the X Factor, I don’t understand how such an odd show can be so boring. As a newcomer, series 13 was the equivalent of joining a cult. Dermot looks like one of those slick preachers on American religious television, and at every point baffling things happen for no reason, a strange sacrament between contestants, judges and the audience. The noise is unbelievable. Why is everyone always shouting? Why can’t they play more than five seconds of a song? Why all of the flashing lights? The atmosphere is so charged that the judges speak in tongues, babbling nonsense that nobody remarks on, like it’s totally normal. If they brought out a rattle snake and started foaming at the mouth, I wouldn’t blink. And yet it’s dull, fist-chewingly dull. Dermot is a priest with a dwindling flock. We move through the traditions, dead eyed and resigned, the meaning long since lost. Everyone knows that this is pointless. No one will get famous. No one is saved. Before I watched, I would never have believed how irrelevant the music is to proceedings. It’s clear that the contestants throw their hearts and souls into preparing, and they all improved as time went on. (Yes, even Honey G.) This shouldn’t be taken as a criticism of them. However, no one could genuinely enjoy the truncated and mediocre performances they’re forced into. For all of the bleating about her ‘ruining the competition’, it’s why Honey G was so successful. She was something different, even if novelty rapping is an easy kind of different. There’s a reason she was brought back for a performance in yesterday’s final and has been signed with Syco. Simon Cowell, who cut his teeth with novelty records, gives people what they want, and what you all want is to whinge about Honey G on Twitter. By the way, that wish fulfilment includes journalists. What struck me the most while watching was how X Factor is the ultimate clickbait machine. You’ve got a steady trickle of information and events on which to report (eliminations, who’s singing what, live blogs), plus manufactured stories (Emily/Ryan, Nicole/Matt) and manufactured controversies (‘Is the X Factor jukebox rigged?’). You’ve got dozens of people plucked from obscurity and ready to be investigated and humiliated. You’ve got hate figures (Honey G) and the judges constantly sparking off each other. It’s an impressive operation. The audience may be declining, but trust me, journalists will keep hitting this button until the high is long gone. What’s missing is the human connection that music usually brings. The final was effective because it managed to get across the sheer exhaustion of this process. But before that point, ‘emotion’ was boiled down to five seconds of crying in an intro reel, Nicole having paroxysms over Matt and Dermot ‘having relations’ with their Dad. It feels cynical, with a nasty undercurrent that runs through the freakshow auditions, to Dermot sniping at the judges, to the abuse of Honey G and others on social media. Like with all cults, I came into this looking for understanding, and was left feeling weary, confused and conned. See you next year! 10.08 Well, that was quite the final. Congratulations to Matt Terry, and commiserations to Saara Aalto. They both deserved the win. A round of applause for all of the finalists, and everyone who applied to the show as well. It took guts to queue up, and a lot of hard work to stay. Here's a link to download the single, which you really should do if you've been following all of these weeks. It all goes to a good cause. View oEmbed on the source website But on to serious matters. Eight weeks ago I had never seen an episode of the X Factor? What did I make of my live blogging experience? Check back in 15 minutes to find out. 10.05 Saara sings Whitney Houston’s I Didn’t Know My Own Strength. View oEmbed on the source website 10.02 Matt's first single is 'When Christmas Comes Around', written by Ed Sheeran, which sounds very much like Ed Sheeran wrote it. 10.00 View oEmbed on the source website 9.58 View oEmbed on the source website 9.54 If my stuttering stream is anything to go by, a lot of people are tuning in for the result. The gifs might dry up from now on, I'm afraid. 9.53 This year's winner's single was written by Ed Sheeran, according to Dermot. 9.48 View oEmbed on the source website 9.46 Little Mix, apparently the only group ever to win the competition, are back in Wembley with some faulty mics and a very forthright dancer. View oEmbed on the source website 9.35 Matt singing I'll Fly Away. View oEmbed on the source website 9.29 Matt's first song and the X Factor auditionees have been uploaded. 9.24 Hmm, Saara and a version of I Didn't Know My Own Strength. Seems a bit middle of the road (not to mention on the nose) but they're looking ahead to single sales. 9.21 View oEmbed on the source website 9.20 View oEmbed on the source website 9.19 View oEmbed on the source website 9.17 Judges struggling to come up with anything else to say about Matt. To be fair, I'll happily live the rest of my life without Nicole rhapsodising this wee man again. 9.12 Oh, it's One Day I'll Fly Away by Randy Crawford. Bit a danger Matt will make it, well, boring. 9.11 5.6 million votes thus far! Can Matt clinch it with his final song? 9.09 Now a round up of more or less random clips of the judges. (Nicole gives a killer Shakira impression.) A couple of nice moments when Dermot asks for their highlights. Sharon talks about needing to have fun at this point in her life... View oEmbed on the source website ...and as for Louis? "My highlight was GETTING MY JOB BACK!" 9.00 Wait, this still has an hour to go? How? 8.55 Here's Saara's final performance. View oEmbed on the source website 8.52 Suggs gives some good advice to the finalists: "Just keep going. I see so many bands split up at the first hurdle, but if you stop you'll never know if you could have made it." 8.45 Time for Wembley Arena to turn into the House of Fun. Madness might seem a strange choice, but watching them now, it makes perfect sense. View oEmbed on the source website 8.38 The boy can sing. Here are the judges. (It's hard to get across Nicole's preening from this. Trust us, it was strong.) Louis: “You’re in the final, you have the voice of an angel. Sam Smith, move over, you’ve got competition. No matter what happens, you’ve got a career.” Sharon: “My darling little boy, you’re just this young boy with the most spectacular voice that comes with you. You touch my heart.” Simon: “From the duet last night, to this, you are having a very strong final. It’s like you suddenly evolved.“ Nicole: “I just want to thank you. You are the reason why I came back to X Factor.” 8.31 Matt now. Writing's on the Wall is a rubbish song, but it does show off his incredible falsetto. 8.29 A typical Saara performance, if there is such a thing, leading to lovely comments from the judges. Louis: “This show is about discovering an undiscovered talent who can sell music worldwide. That person is you. You have the X Factor.” Nicole: "Saara you put the word fun in funtastical. (sic) You fill the entire stage with your effervescent energy." Simon: "Saara, on one of the most important lives of your life, you decided to come back with the most bonkers performance of your life. This is why the public is in love with you." Sharon: “I can’t think of anything else to say about your performances because you’ve said it all. I want to thank Nicole for sending you to me, because she picked you as my wild card. You are a great example to other women.” Saara: “About a year ago I thought I would quit, because I couldn’t find my place. And here it is.” 8.22 Saara's up first, Sharon giving an emotional plea to fans: "her future is in your hands." We're a long way from when Sharon forgot her name and her native country. (Well, not that long, but still. It's nice.) 8.19 View oEmbed on the source website 8.11 A quick singalong with Kylie to kickstart the festivities. Now there's an example of a career gone right. 8.05 And we're off. 7.50 Hearing there have been more than 3 million votes thus far, and it's neck and neck between Saara and Matt. Some genuine excitement for once. 7.35 View oEmbed on the source website 7.30 Lest we forget, Simon Cowell's bread and butter used to be novelty pop songs. Here he is singing 'Go Go Power Rangers'. 7.20 Of course the biggest news of the weekend isn't the winner, but this. View oEmbed on the source website 7.10 Tonight’s guest singers Kylie Minogue Little Mix Madness 7.05 Saara and Matt will be reprising two of their mainstays for tonight's performance. Saara Aalto - It's Oh So Quiet by Bjork Matt Terry – The Writing's On the Wall by Sam Smith 7.03 The bookies have gone back and forth over whether Saara Aalto or Matt Terry will clinch it tonight. Terry had a stronger showing yesterday, and it's possible he will receive the bulk of 5 After Midnight's voters – similar demographics and all that. However, Aalto has had the momentum behind her these last few weeks. I suppose the big question is: who does Vladimir Putin want to win? 7.00 - The Results We've made it! We're here! The X Factor final results! I genuinely wondered if we would back then, in the doldrums of week five, but look at us now! Just two acts and two hours and we're free! Oh, yes, I'm Jonathan Holmes and eight weeks ago I had never seen X Factor. Let's blow this thing and go home. 10.07 Well, it was the result we all expected, but Saara and Matt have worked hard and deserve to be here. Commiserations to 5am. For the first and only time I'll be back tomorrow for the live results show. Until then... To be continued 10.05 View oEmbed on the source website 10.00 The 5am boys are all smiles, very magnanimous about it all. Presumably they're thinking about the numerous pop-conquering X Factor acts who never actually won the competition. 9.58 It's 5 After Midnight. 9.51 We're almost there now, just time to find out who's in third. It's going to be 5 After Midnight. Let's find out if it's 5 After Midnight! 9.45 The Weeknd now, who is mathematically impossible to dislike, so let's spend the time trying to work out how this show still has 20 minutes left to run. 9.38 Mad props to Honey G for subtly plugging her new single 15 times in a one minute interview. 9.37 View oEmbed on the source website 9.35 Wait, what's happening. Oh my God. It's...it's... 9.30 Hmm, felt like Aalto got a bit overawed by the song there, possibly because she was doing a fairly 'straight' cover with few embellishments. Of the duets, Matt and Nicole are the clear winner, but I say that through gritted teeth and a taut sphincter. 9.28 It's Adam Lambert. 9.26 Who could possibly match Saara Aalto singing Bohemian Rhapsody? Fingers crossed for Kate Bush! 9.25 I'm enjoying how Nicole loves Matt so much but she'll happily blow him off the stage during their duet. 9.20 Another dose of Nicole/Matt ickiness – "we're so far away from each other right now!" – but at least we're on to Matt's duet song. Purple Rain is fun. Wonder who it'll be....oh. 9.12 5 After Midnight are back, duetting with Clean Bandit on a version of Tears that better get really good really quickly. 9.05 Simon Cowell pays an emotional tribute to both Louis and his mother. "The bravery of what you've just done. I respect you as an artist. I respect you as a person. Your mum was so proud of you, and she was so looking forward to seeing you here tonight. She's looking down on you right now." Tomlinson kept his composure throughout. 9.00 Dermot having to cover a lot of technical glitches tonight, from faulty microphones to missed cues and now, a delay in Louis Tomlinson's set. Tomlinson's mother Johannah Deakin passed away Wednesday night, aged just 42. 8.58 View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 8.50 A stunning performance that barely needs embellishment by the judges. An obvious first single. 8.49 Wow, what an incredible homecoming reception. 8.44 Definite winner Saara up next, who we've apparently snatched away from Finland and made a native Briton. Feel free to insert your own Brexit joke here, I can't be bothered. 8.37 Judges unanimous in praise for Matt, but is there something more going on? Dermot calls the dynamic between the singer and Nicole, his mentor, "flirty flirty flirty!" That's putting it lightly. 8.30 Matt Terry up next. Apparently as well as preparing for the final, he's had to live through his own Kubrick movie. View oEmbed on the source website 8.27 I usually mute the adverts, so hadn't noticed those baffling Snapchat Talk Talk things feature celebrities tonight. This is Kylie in a hat. You kids like this stuff, right? Oh, while you're here, have you had a chance to peruse some of the many fine adverts and offers right on this very page? You should! 8.25 I'll take that Pulitzer now, thanks. View oEmbed on the source website 8.19 This Wembley Crowd really is something, lots of energy coming through, must be scary for the acts. Judges are kind to 5 After Midnight, but Cowell does get one dig in: "Louis, you may be a horror of a human being..." 8.15 It's only now, at the end of the series, that I realise why the judges' mime intros are always so weird. They act like they're in Power Rangers. 8.12 Five After Midnight up first, but first a tour round the old neighbourhood. Everyone is very proud of the boys, as they should be. Say what you will, everyone works phenomenally hard on this show. 8.10 And we're off. The final kicks off with clips from the auditions and a mass sing along with ex contestants. This would all be very nostalgic if it hadn't happened two days ago. View oEmbed on the source website 7.55 The brainstorming continues on Twitter. 7.50 So if X Factor's ratings don't improve for the final, ITV should consider replacing X Factor with 'Close Window 50'. Which sounds amazing. 7.45 Would a hyphen in @TheXFactor (X-Factor) make you more or less likely to tune in? #xfactor https://t.co/JHUdfLnBbE — Radio Times (@RadioTimes) December 10, 2016 7.40 What's the best X? #xfactor https://t.co/JHUdfLnBbE — Radio Times (@RadioTimes) December 10, 2016 7.35 What's the best factor? #xfactor https://t.co/JHUdfLnBbE — Radio Times (@RadioTimes) December 10, 2016 7.30 Which song is your favourite? (Don't look at who's singing what on tonight's #xfactor) https://t.co/JHUdfLnBbE — Radio Times (@RadioTimes) December 10, 2016 7.25 In that interview, Dermot also goes back to the Fright Night/Jukebox ‘controversy’. (I maintain my stance: this is not a thing to care about. I swear, if I find you Tweeted about this, I will show up at your house and sigh into your terrified face. My exaggerated eye-roll will put you in the ground.) “We said to Simon beforehand: ‘Are you sure you want Fright Night on there? Because if it lands before Halloween it’s going to look weird, and if it lands after Halloween it’s going to look even weirder. And if it falls on Halloween, we’re going to get murdered!’ And it landed on Halloween. People were saying ‘fix’ like it was some 200-1 nag that came in – but there was a one-in-five chance it was going to land on Fright Night.” 7.20 Right, fine, let’s get the backstage stuff out of the way. Louis Tomlinson is going to perform as a tribute to his recently deceased mother. Dermot edges around whether the judges get plastered before the show. (You would hope they do.) 7.10 A few notes: Does Matt Terry constantly sing slower versions of slow songs, or is he being sucked into a black hole? Saara Alto is now odds-on favourite to win, but is that a winning track? Crazy in Love by 5 After Midnight. OK, sure. Crank up the speed and it could be fun. I’m a bit concerned there aren’t more songs on this list. One each? How are they going to fill the programme? There’s only so much nonsense Sharon can shout. 7.05 First things first, here's who's singing what. Matt Terry – Take Me Home by Jess Glynne Saara Alto – Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears 5 After Midnight – Crazy in Love by Beyonce 7.00 Hello, I'm Jonathan Holmes and despite never watching series A – W, I've been your X Factor blogger for the last two months. Tonight: the final. My children, we are so, so close to the end. Catch up with our coverage Week 9: Nicole Saltslinger Week 8: Attack of the Trolls Week 7: "Every year is the worst year of the X Factor" Week 6: "We're all trapped in a Tom Stoppard play" Week 5: Furious X Factor fans send SNAKES to judges! Week 4: Fright Night Fakery and the X Factor Tabloid Factory Week 3: "Honey G is the Donald Trump of contestants" Week 2: Enter Robbie Williams Week 1: "It's less a TV programme than a migraine, isn't it?"
The X Factor 2016 live shows: week nine – as it happened
Since we've no place to go, let's watch the semi-final
9.55 View oEmbed on the source website 9.38 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDYIEJDzNNk&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2zisYeg_dbY&showinfo=0 9.36 View oEmbed on the source website 9.29 Right that animal torture/PoW programme is coming on now so let's rap this up quick. Tonight showed how much Honey G brought to the show – she was awful, but it's got pretty boring without her. Heading into the final Matt, 5 After Midnight and Saara seem sure things, with Saara a possible winner. Emily hasn't shown enough range, she's my pick to be booted. But as ever, you shouldn't pay any attention to me. To all a good night! 9.28 View oEmbed on the source website 9.20 Oooh, goodie, 5 After Midnight with a Motown classic. Their voices really are perfect for this, shame they've juuuuuust missed the trend by about a year or so. 9.16 View oEmbed on the source website 9.15 Show winning comments from the judges: both Simon and Nicole hint they almost regret letting her through, because she's such a strong competitor. Her mentor Sharon is rendered speechless. 9.11 Saara's second song: Chandelier by Sia, the song that won her first X Factor audition. View oEmbed on the source website 9.10 View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 9.06 View oEmbed on the source website 9.01 All of the judges (except Simon, who thinks it was bland) say they "can't wait to see him at the final." They've been saying that for at least two months. There's a real Hillary Clinton air to him. 8.59 Christ, Matt singing another winsome ballad. Excuse me while I sigh myself inside out. 8.56 That version of Mad World isn't going to shatter Emily's 'boring' image. In some ways it's unfair to say she always does the same thing – she's genuinely great at it – but she does tend to be a low energy moment in the programme. 8.50 View oEmbed on the source website 8.45 Oh, apparently that's the end of the Christmas section. Why? Surely they're not worried about their artistic integrity? 8.44 View oEmbed on the source website 8.41 Unpopular opinion: All I Want for Christmas is a terrible Christmas song that gets worse every year. Muddy melody, random pitching, terrible dancing. Anyway, Saara did it decently. Nicole Saltslinger calls it a 'cornucopia of corn', the other judges mostly agree. 8.38 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SDs90j7TYbQ&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r36SWP3YYU0&showinfo=0 8.31 A predictably dreary version of So This is Christmas from Emily Middlemas, a pretty dreary song to begin with. (Sharon said it was lyrically the best one ever written.) Simon said it was "S-I-N-C-E-R-E." Louis said it was "S-A-F-E." Are they taking Emily to the "V-E-T" later? 8.29 View oEmbed on the source website 8.27 A solid rendition of Stay Another Day from 5 After Midnight. There's no real doubt they could run the boyband circuit after this. 8.25 View oEmbed on the source website 8.20 View oEmbed on the source website 8.12 Terry gives a grandma-pleasing, school-concert-worthy performance of Silent Night. Sharon hints it's inspired a religious conversion in her. 8.09 View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 8.06 Matt Terry 8.04 Saara after being underserved at the beginning of the series, is looking like a surprise winner. Makes sense, her voice is undeniable. 8.00 View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 7.50 View oEmbed on the source website 7.45 View oEmbed on the source website 7.40 Settle an argument: is Stay Another Day by East 17 a Christmas song? (We say it's a pop song with bells.) #xfactor https://t.co/PNTcEs6lKQ — Radio Times (@RadioTimes) December 3, 2016 7.30 View oEmbed on the source website The main Backstage Nonsense™ this week is the news that more young people are watching Planet Earth 2 than the X Factor. A lot of commentators are using this to bloviate about television underestimating young folk, simultaneously making the same snobby point about X Factor being for idiots as always. As ever, this is just a way to assure their readers that, don’t worry, you really are much better than the masses. I have a slightly different view – just because it’s made by smart people doesn’t make Planet Earth’s audience smart. Nature documentaries are the easiest watch imaginable. With no story to follow and precious few facts to keep track of, they’re perfect moving wallpaper. For many they are pretty pictures that help sell televisions, porn for the whole family. There’s a reason DVDs of the original Planet Earth were stacked next to the bongs at my university’s corner shop. If you really want to watch grim nature, red in tooth and claw, switch over to ITV. 7.20 I’m so worked up about these Fake Christmas Songs™ I’ve come up with my own, much better line-up. Why not switch off the television and imagine these for the next hour? Matt Terry Must be Santa Claus by Bob Dylan and Back Door Santa by Clarence Carter https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8qE6WQmNus&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0NoalRsk5w&showinfo=0 Emily Middlemas Zat You Santa Claus? by Louis Armstrong and Don’t Shoot Me Santa by The Killers View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 5 After Midnight I Saw Three Ships (as covered by Sting) and Ukrainian Bell Carol https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lhSWQ2AhXOg&showinfo=0 ”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBDFMD5kLvc&showinfo=0” Saara Aalto A Spaceman Came Travelling by Chris de Burgh and Merry *********** Christmas by Eazy-E View oEmbed on the source website 7.10 A few notes: I don’t think Matt Terry is actually singing the Simon and Garfunkel version of Silent Night (although maybe Dermot could play the gloomy newsreader!) I just like it. X Factor continues to cover covers, rather than the original song. Mad World was originally an upbeat Tears for Fears track, before Gary Jules slowed it down for idiot teens. Speaking of, Mad World is not a Christmas track. I know it was a Christmas number one, I remember that interminable year, but that doesn’t make it a Christmas song. It doesn’t mention Christmas. It’s not about Jesus or Santa Claus or presents or huddling together for warmth. It’s about isolation, when Christmas is about the precise opposite. Plus, it’s rubbish. Not to be a Christmas snob (this is a lie, there is nothing I love more) but the song choices are full of Fake Christmas Songs™. I’m not talking about Sia or any of that, but tracks that crop up every year on Christmas Disco albums that have no right being there. Stay Another Day is a great tune with a tragic backstory, but chucking some bells onto it and dressing Brian Harvey up as Nanook of the North does not make it a Christmas song. 7.06 Matt Terry Silent Night and Say You Love Me by Jessie Ware https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgYFXCUEL4Y&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DAMM8JVbr8g&showinfo=0 Emily Middlemas Happy Xmas (War Is Over) by John Lennon and Mad World by Gary Jules https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN4Uu0OlmTg&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Az2BvTcshg&showinfo=0 5 After Midnight Stay Another Day by East 17 and Signed, Sealed, Delivered (I’m Yours) by Stevie Wonder https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mg7ok8dmDU&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WvRwR-hZDVY&showinfo=0 Saara Aalto All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey and Chandelier by Sia https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXQViqx6GMY&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vjPBrBU-TM&showinfo=0 7.02 Tonight should be an enjoyable theme: Christmas. Let’s see what Louis has in his sack for us. 7.00 Hello, I’m Jonathan Holmes, and welcome to the X Factor 2016 semi-finals. We’re almost there: that light you see is either the end of the tunnel or an oncoming train, and I’m OK with it either way. You know that bit in the Lord of the Rings where Frodo can’t take it anymore, so Sam carries him up Mount Doom on his back? That’s me. X Factor has beaten me and it’s only your wonderful, compassionate clicks (hit up a few advert while you’re here!) that keep me going to the end. View oEmbed on the source website Catch up with our coverage Week 8: Attack of the Trolls Week 7: "Every year is the worst year of the X Factor" Week 6: "We're all trapped in a Tom Stoppard play" Week 5: Furious X Factor fans send SNAKES to judges! Week 4: Fright Night Fakery and the X Factor Tabloid Factory Week 3: "Honey G is the Donald Trump of contestants" Week 2: Enter Robbie Williams Week 1: "It's less a TV programme than a migraine, isn't it?" Our live blog gets going at 7pm, with the show starting at 8 on ITV1. Join the fun!
The X Factor 2016 live shows: week eight – trolls invade stage during Honey G performance
As if The X Factor wasn't weird enough already
9.56 As ever, I'll post the rest of the performance videos as they become available, but let's give the last word to Simon. View oEmbed on the source website 9.52 See? The culprits seem to be online 'prank' group Trollstation, NOT Lee Nelson. (I'm looking forward to the reply I get from his agent on Monday.) Here are some more details, if you're interested... View oEmbed on the source website ...which you shouldn't be, because they don't seem like very pleasant people. Here are some of their most popular videos. (I've removed the most offensive images.) According to their YouTube channel, they also tried to stage a similar invasion of the ATP World Tennis Championship. My advice? Sigh a bored sigh, eat some Pringles and forget they exist. That's what I'm doing. 9.51 View oEmbed on the source website 9.50 And with that strong showing from Emily Middlemas, we're done. And this point It's really about who's showing weakness rather than who excels, and Honey G may suffer from an especially, headache inducingly weird episode. 9.46 View oEmbed on the source website 9.40 Saara Aalto with a medley of diamond themed songs (Diamonds are Forever/Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend). But not Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. Or Diamonds From Sierra Leone. Or Diamond Dogs. Or Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes. Or... 9.34 They're up! Infuriatingly, the first cuts off right as the likely lads begin their stage invasion. View oEmbed on the source website 9.32 Brave of Emily Middlemas, who looks like she floated in on the gloaming, to cover a song designed for this guy. Not sure the decision to take it much, much higher worked, but she's getting kudos from the judges for being adventurous. View oEmbed on the source website 9.24 View oEmbed on the source website Significantly, Honey G's first performance has yet to be posted to the X Factor's YouTube channel. 9.23 View oEmbed on the source website 9.20 Did Honey G forget most of the words to Black Beatles, or was that intentional? Would be understandable to be flustered after the stage invaders, but with a Mannequining crowd, you were really aware of the silences. 9.18 Sharon completely forgets her next act (Honey G) but covers well by asking the other judges live on camera. View oEmbed on the source website 9.15 The truth is out there. View oEmbed on the source website 9.05 View oEmbed on the source website 8.58 Matt's back, with some focus group tested vocals. Apparently he's going to scale back the falsetto, which should sound like one hand clapping. 8.56 View oEmbed on the source website 8.55 Some clearer footage of the stage invasion. (H/T @sophlouisehall) View oEmbed on the source website Trying to find out who the likely lads were, will update if I hear anything. 8.46 Oh wow, Toxic is a perfect song, unruinable. And then...ukelele. 8.45 Emily Middlemas now. Look, Toxic is undeniably a great song, but it’s also the ‘safe’ Britney choice in polite company. Mention Spears to any hipster and they’ll immediately go on about Toxic. It’s a tad annoying. Then again, I’m president of the ‘Blackout Was an Underrated Masterpiece’ political pressure group. I’m also its only member. View oEmbed on the source website 8.39 I say it every week, but 5 After Midnight's harmonies are rock solid. The rest needs a bit of work, but give them anything retro and they'll nail it. Why aren't these guys the favourites to win? 8.38 The list of suspects grows. View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 8.36 I'm not going to miss 2016 at all. View oEmbed on the source website 8.35 View oEmbed on the source website 8.33 Well that was odd. 8.30 Dermot: "We had a stage invasion, three punks thought they could take on Honey G – don't think so." Sharon: "I think they wanted to touch you there, where they shouldn't." Simon: "I thought it was part of the act." 8.23 View oEmbed on the source website 8.16 OK, after all my grousing about Saara Aalto's Scandi-stereotyping, that was an exceptional song choice. The Winner Takes It All is an obstacle course for talented singers. Nicole: "Saara, you're now number 1 in the competition." 8.14 Oh, the judges thought Matt was good btw. Do I really need to say that? 8.14 View oEmbed on the source website 8.08 Matt Terry up first, who I'm willing to accept is not for me and that's fine. He's like those ultrasonic 'Mosquito' gadgets that shops use to scare away teens. I can't hear what Matt puts out, but it certainly seems to work. 8.05 View oEmbed on the source website 8.00 View oEmbed on the source website 7.58 View oEmbed on the source website 7.45 The argument over Honey G trundles on, or maybe it trundles around, because people have been repeating the same points over and over again for the last two months. It's quite dull. Still, as we reach the final stretch of the competition, fans are terrified G might win it all. If you have been paying attention, you'll notice she has actually improved a lot – abandoning any pretence of meter, tunefulness or rhyme, she now uses each word as percussion. It kind of works. Sort of. But don't worry, the conspiracy theorist in me can see her being subtly edged out. The Honey G joke only works when she's tackling wildly inappropriate songs. As she takes it more seriously, and is given stuff in her wheelhouse (Vanilla Ice/MC Hammer/etc) she becomes less funny. Eventually she'll produce something vaguely listenable and be immediately ousted. Then again, stranger things have happened. (In this allegory, Matt Terry is Hillary Clinton, which is perfect.) 7.30 Now for this week's Backstage Nonsense™ Nicole and Matt ate pie in what is now destined to be the last memory I have on my deathbed. Mel C isn't a fan of Honey G, which is like America lecturing the rest of the world on nuclear proliferation. Honey G is going to do a 'Mannequin Challenge' on stage. (It's an Internet thing apparently.) Credit to her, it's easier than learning a dance routine. There are always a dozen 'xxxx reveals the TRUTH about Honey G' articles I leave off the list this week. For one: they're straight click bait with no content and we deal the straight dope on my live blog. Also, I'm not sure I understand the question. Asking if Honey G is 'acting' is like asking if John Lennon was really a walrus. 7.20 Last week saw Ryan Lawrie sent home and Emily Middlemas remaining in the competition. This breaks up the greatest Scottish power couple since Andy Murray and Kim Sears, or Mary Stuart and Rizzio. My nation mourns. But Louis was right last week: we've already got that type in Matt Terry, at this point in the competition you don't need two. Even Honey G's biggest detractors would admit that she's unique. 7.15 A few notes: Louis disappoints us. From all the build up, we expected some horrifying choices. Apparently, what he really loves is the sort of tunes you get in a Boots advert. You might have noticed that, despite the billing, most are singing more than two songs. Honey G is singing four! I really don’t know what we’ve done to deserve that. Was it Trump? Global warming? Is it because I lied when I was seventeen? Incidentally, are the constant mash-ups an admission that the transitions between songs are the only interesting bits? The real theme this week is ‘bugger it, let’s bite the bullet’, with several acts plumping for obvious song choices. I’m convinced that –if Honey G’s hip-hoppropriation hadn’t happened– more people would be as worked up about Saara Aalto’s Scandinavian stereotyping as I am. In some ways it’s surprising that it’s taken this long for an Abba song to appear, but it’s always been inevitable. Similarly, Honey G doing MC Hammer feels like something that’s already happened. It hasn’t, but it will. You can’t stop it. 7.05 Yes, this week every act sings two songs, with half chosen by Louis. Let’s see what freaky stuff he’s into. Saara Aalto Louis Loves: ABBA – The Winner Takes It All View oEmbed on the source website Own choice: Shirley Bassey– Diamonds Are Forever / Marilyn Monroe – Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend View oEmbed on the source website 5 After Midnight Louis Loves: Bruno Mars and Mark Ronson – Uptown Funk View oEmbed on the source website Own choice: Justin Bieber – Sorry / Drake – One Dance View oEmbed on the source website Honey G Louis Loves: MC Hammer – Can't Touch This / Rick James – Super Freak View oEmbed on the source website Own choice: Salt-N-Pepa – Push It / Rae Sremmurd – Black Beatles View oEmbed on the source website Emily Middlemas Louis Loves: Britney Spears – Toxic View oEmbed on the source website Own choice: Rag 'n' Bone Man – Human View oEmbed on the source website Matt Terry Louis Loves: Little Mix – Secret Love Song View oEmbed on the source website Own choice: Sia – Alive View oEmbed on the source website 7.01 This week's theme, the terrifying sounding 'Louis Loves'. Do we want to know? It's been a tough enough year. 7.00 Hi, I’m Jonathan Holmes, and just two months ago I had never seen X Factor. Yet here we are. There's no going back. Catch up with our coverage Week 7: "Every year is the worst year of the X Factor" Week 6: "We're all trapped in a Tom Stoppard play" Week 5: Furious X Factor fans send SNAKES to judges! Week 4: Fright Night Fakery and the X Factor Tabloid Factory Week 3: "Honey G is the Donald Trump of contestants" Week 2: Enter Robbie Williams Week 1: "It's less a TV programme than a migraine, isn't it?" Our live blog gets going at 7pm, with the show starting at 8 on ITV1. Join the fun!
Twitter's jaw dropped when a jaguar ate a caiman on last night's Planet Earth II
The BBC makes David Attenborough documentaries for three reasons. To help sell televisions at Dixons. To justify the licence fee to Daily Mail readers. To make viewers’ jaws drop at the natural world. Speaking of jaws, what about that fight between the caiman crocodile and the jaguar on Planet Earth II last night? View oEmbed on the source website It was all Twitter could talk about. After we'd had a 15 minute discussion about the difference between leopards, jaguars and panthers. And nailed down the spelling of 'caiman'. View oEmbed on the source website We were obsessed. #ThatMomentWhen You're at the Milan Derby...but Planet Earth II is on. ? (? @ElliotHackney) pic.twitter.com/pxDYRefMoV — SPORF (@Sporf) November 20, 2016 It was mind blowing. View oEmbed on the source website And I'll tell you what, footage like that is worth the price of the licence fee all by itself! View oEmbed on the source website Also, we're fairly sure there hasn't been a funny crocodile joke written since the 1930s, but God bless everyone for trying. View oEmbed on the source website Oh, wait, I've got one! You know that new Harry Potter film? Well, instead of Planet Earth II, they should have call... View oEmbed on the source website .....darn it.
Stephen Colbert and John Oliver on satire under Trump: "Who can make jokes to a sobbing audience?"
The new president calls for a new approach
Stephen Colbert wants to make one thing clear. “What we did was fake news,” he told a crowd at the Montclair Film Festival, about his time as a 'correspondent' on The Daily Show. “We got on TV and said this is all fake, and we’re gonna make fun of the news. That was fake news." However, many in the United States have since highlighted the propagation of "fake news" on social media as part of the momentum driving the election campaign of Donald Trump – but Colbert isn't buying it. "Calling this ‘fake news’ upsets me, because this is just lying,” he said. Colbert and his fellow former Daily Show colleague John Oliver were reflecting on an election campaign that brought out the worst in people, the Internet and journalism, and demanded the best from their writers. “This whole process has not been fun, because it’s the inverse version of what we normally do,” Oliver said. “When covering a campaign, you try and take things of substance and put some sugar on it to make it palatable. But there was so little of substance this whole campaign…that your job kinda flips on its head. You’re just trying to find a way to inject substance into sugar.” What the election lacked in substance, it made up for in raw emotion, most viscerally felt on election night itself. It’s vapid to say, but watching the results roll in on Colbert’s special live edition of The Late Show, up to the moment when a Trump victory was a virtual certainty, was truly incredible television. According to Colbert, they had scrapped almost two hours of material based around a Clinton win, so the camera stayed on the host constantly. The stomach-churning atmosphere was like NASA’s mission control when they lose a satellite. View oEmbed on the source website “That show was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life,” he said. “You couldn’t cut to commercial either. We had a bunch of made-up commercials, but none of them were appropriate once we knew we were playing to an audience of the condemned. My audience was sobbing openly. Who can make jokes to a sobbing audience?” However, it built to one of the most genuinely rousing, and genuinely genuine moments of the entire campaign, as Colbert tried to put it all in perspective. “The poison tastes good” will be a book title some day. View oEmbed on the source website So maybe that’s the silver lining? Tough times, but if we all pull together, we’ll get through? “I think the danger of, ‘Live your lives, the sun comes out tomorrow’ is that that’s true for some people, and so it’s very easy to forget that it’s very much not for others,” says Oliver. And Colbert? “[Trump] owes the checks and balances of Washington nothing, because they tried to stop him and they couldn’t. And he’s a vindictive person. So, it’s all going to be fine. “Merry Christmas.”
X Factor Movie Night song choices revealed
It’s movie night on this Saturday’s X Factor, so spit out your popcorn and start tuning up. • Matt Terry: ‘Writing’s On The Wall’ - Sam Smith (from Spectre) View oEmbed on the source website • Ryan Lawrie: ‘Jailhouse Rock’ - Elvis Presley (from Jailhouse Rock) View oEmbed on the source website • Emily Middlemas: ‘It Must Have Been Love’ - Roxette (from Pretty Woman) View oEmbed on the source website • Saara Aalto: ‘My Heart Will Go On’ - Celine Dion (from Titanic) View oEmbed on the source website • Honey G: ‘It’s Like That’ - Jason Nevins (from The Keith Lemon Movie) & ‘Getting Jiggy With It’ - Will Smith (from Last Days Of Disco) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JcmQONgXJM&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLGWQfK-6DY&showinfo=0 • 5 After Midnight: ‘Try A Little Tenderness’ - Otis Redding (from The Commitments) View oEmbed on the source website A few notes: Wow did Matt Terry get unlucky when it comes to Bond themes. Let’s get some Wings up in here! Jailhouse Rock is, obviously, from Jailhouse Rock, but in my heart it will always be a Blues Brothers song. Honey G is officially out of Will Smith films. Why didn’t she just choose that rubbish Biggie biopic and be done with it? The Keith Lemon Movie? Seriously? Anything that reminds me The Commitments exists is alright my me. Looking forward to Saturday! The X Factor is shown Saturday, 8pm on ITV1
Behind the scenes of Rogue One: a Star Wars Story: "It's the greatest job in the world"
"It's a bit like being a kid again, with Star Wars figures"
Making a Star Wars film would be a dream come true for many nerds, including Gareth Edwards, director of Rogue One. Look how pleased he is here. We're less than a month away from the film's release, and while this new backstage featurette doesn't contain anything of any substance, it's always nice to see people enthusiastic about their job. Edwards, Felicity Jones and Diego Luna seem pleased beyond merely collecting a pay cheque – Jones likes the story, Edwards likes playing with the full size versions of his old childhood toys. View oEmbed on the source website Our favourite bit was this droid freaking out. I know that feeling. Rogue One: a Star Wars Story is released on 15th December in the UK
Not even Eddie Redmayne and his Fantastic Beasts can get past airport security
You know those news stories you get every now and again, where someone's caught smuggling a koala bear down their jumper or snakes in their boxer shorts? Imagine that, but with Eddie Redmayne and hundreds of magically vicious creatures from Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. Now stop imagining it, because here's a hilarious viral video with exactly that premise. View oEmbed on the source website We don't know about you, but we're pretty grateful for James Corden's TSA agent. If the rest of us can't bring on half a bottle of Diet Coke, we definitely don't want Niffler and Fructious Krondors or whatever escaping into the cabin when we're halfway over the Atlantic. Not unless Samuel L Jackson is also checking in. Now there's a crossover we'd love to see.
The X Factor live shows Week Six – as it happened
Oh god, oh god, she's going to win, isn't she?
9.30 Pretty dull episode all told. By my stupid and incorrect reckoning, Sam Lavery's in trouble. The winner, as ever, is music. See ya next week! 9.27 View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 9.24 Whisper it, but I actually quite enjoyed that version of Staying Alive, clever to use the rhymes as percussion. It's a matter of quantity over quality. 9.22 View oEmbed on the source website 9.15 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=28ziQO6LLZ0&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sZYoSLkDJ1g&showinfo=0 9.13 Sharon calls Emily Middlemas a 'Debbie Downer' for her version of Wishing on a Star. Did you know boring disco is the number one killer of domestic cats? View oEmbed on the source website To Emily's credit, she agrees with the judges (except Simon) saying she wanted to do something more upbeat. 9.06 Lots of great suggestions for the X Factor Jukebox on our Twitter feed. View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 9.00 Right, Nicole, enough of this. At least get the bloody prefix right: Matt is not a "Scha-star", he's a "Schtar" 8.56 Matt Terry with Best of My Love Now, a smart choice in my book, lots of scope to put his stamp on it. 8.50 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQ23WfS10Z8&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7yyPpcOw-4&showinfo=0 8.45 5 After Midnight with a Boogie Wonderland/September mash-up, exactly what their audience of tweens, twinks and tweeters demand. They're mad for Earth, Wind & Fire. If anything, their harmonies have improved since last week's impressive showing. Some genuine pop power developing here. 8.41 View oEmbed on the source website 8.40 View oEmbed on the source website 8.25 Our pale, Scottish #xfactor blogger likes this for some reason. (@RyanLawrie_) https://t.co/iaJAcjyQbf pic.twitter.com/hde5qfVqFR — Radio Times (@RadioTimes) November 12, 2016 View oEmbed on the source website 8.26 Sam Lavery slows I Will Survive into dreary Bond theme STOP Judges unimpressed STOP 8.24 View oEmbed on the source website 8.15 View oEmbed on the source website 8.11 Tough song choice here: Enough is Enough is not only lesser known in Britain, but originally a duet between Barbra Streisand and Donna Summers. Aalto's killing it though. I really want to hear her attack some techno at some point in the competition. 8.10 No, you didn't mishear that, Sharon introduced Saara as "from London." She's encouraging the Finnish singer to adopt a British home town, pick up an accent, assimilate, eat chips, go to football, make an effort, you know? 8.05 View oEmbed on the source website Sister Sledge to start, promoting their new song – WAMOW: 'Women are the Music of the World'. I like songs that are nothing but an acronym then an explanation of that acronym. 7.57 God I miss the mid 90s, when shadow cabinet ministers caught doing this would have been forced to resign by the press. View oEmbed on the source website Anyway, wrong show, wrong channel. We ITV-angelists have our own horrors in front of us. 7.55 Right, let’s do this. I’m pouring myself a gin and Neurofen, you pray to whatever god you pray to. 7.50 View oEmbed on the source website 7.45 Finally, it will be interesting to see if there’s a tribute to the late Leonard Cohen tonight. His song Hallelujah has been very, very generous to the show. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMviTfylt7M&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NCyWjOEhv0&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bzf6B4Yj_Bc&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2-Bfpe2TK4&showinfo=0 7.35 Wow, The X Factor has more commercial backers than Hillary. View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 7.30 And the rest of this week’s Backstage Nonsense: The way people vote might be changing. One of Five After Midnight is sick. 7.20 Oh, there’s another Honey G story this week, but I’m not going to cover it because we’re the Radio Times and, mercifully, we get to take the high road sometimes. It’s why your granny still buys us every week. Incidentally, dirt digging is the dark side of the X Factor’s tabloid story factory. That and some of the worst writing this side of fan-fiction. 7.17 I’ve talked about how Honey G is the X Factor’s Donald Trump before, but does that mean her victory is inevitable? Is she a joke or a powerful symbol of the anti-establishment wave that’s sweeping the world? And would her winning forever damage the essential democratic basis of this singing contest? View oEmbed on the source website 7.15 Right, onto serious business. 2016 has been one long Stoppard play. With Trump, Brexit and the Chicago Cubs, it feels like the underdog simply can’t lose, that the laws of the universe have fundamentally broken. View oEmbed on the source website "A weaker man might be moved to re-examine his faith, if in nothing else at least in the law of probability." By the logic of this topsy-turvy year, a Honey G win is almost a sure thing. And hey, look at the press release that landed in my inbox! "Honey G is like the Donald Trump of the reality TV world," said William Hill spokesman Joe Crilly. "After her first audition, she was 150/1 to win and when the live shows started, she was still as big as 100/1. Now, however, she is 11/2 and the third favourite." 7.07 Three notes on tonight’s set list: 1. Disco is a genre that relies on long, long grooves, not two minute snippets. What’s next week, opera and throat singing? 2. Against all odds, Saara Aalto has not been stuck with Abba. She’s out of her Scandi-rut and is running free. 3. Ryan Lawrie is singing Play That Funky Music (White Boy). As a fellow Scottish white boy, I can confirm that we are very very pale, but funky? Not so much. 7.05 First things first: Four of Diamonds were eliminated on Sunday, so at least I’ll stop accidentally calling them Four After Midnight. For the remaining contestants, it’s Disco Week. Here’s what they’re singing. Overs Saara Aalto: No More Tears (Enough is Enough) – Barbra Streisand/Donna Summers ”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsY066wa08E&showinfo=0” Honey G: Stayin’ Alive – The Bee Gees ”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I_izvAbhExY&showinfo=0” Girls Emily Middlemas: Wishing on a Star – Rose Royce ”https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GooJBO4KWlE&showinfo=0” Sam Lavery: I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor View oEmbed on the source website Boys Ryan Lawrie: Play That Funky Music – Wild Cherry View oEmbed on the source website Matt Terry: Best of My Love – The Emotions View oEmbed on the source website Groups 5 After Midnight: Boogie Wonderland – Earth, Wind & Fire View oEmbed on the source website 7.02 View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website Wait! Our #xfactor blogger has realised he can coast on Disco Stu gifs. (BAGSIE! No other blogger can do this!) https://t.co/iaJAcjyQbf pic.twitter.com/WdEzuXqvyA — Radio Times (@RadioTimes) November 12, 2016 7.00 Hi, yeah, sure, fine, let’s do this. You know the drill by now. I’m Jonathan Holmes (@hippopotaman), a former X Factor virgin who, six weeks into this blog, is starting to feel like the opposite of a virgin. You’re an X Factor viewer and together, we’re going to watch this light entertainment show and try not to think about the last week.
The X Factor live shows Week Five – as it happened
It was girls v boys as the X Factor takes on the US election
21.50 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mtqs0Do42WQ&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHl2pvFXR_0&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONfHmUOLuF0&showinfo=0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVorgjN8nAk&showinfo=0 21.40 And that's the end of the Gender War, and tonight's shorter episode. For me, the pick is 5 After Midnight, while Saaro Alto is in trouble. But don't pay any attention to me, I've been wrong 100% of the time. Let's bung up the last of the performances and call it a night. 21.36 View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 21.31 "Every great group, they can't be puppets." Simon has a puppet fixation tonight. 21.28 Well, time to eat humble pie. That is a tight harmony from 5 After Midnight. Nicely done. 21.27 5 After Midnight pull an all nighter to find the right song, and end up on...Say You'll Be There by the Spice Girls. Eureka. 21.20 Nicole says 'You don't know you're beautiful/that's what makes you beautiful' is a beautiful message for Emily's mother and all the women out there. It's not. It's like a logic trap for self-loathing robots. 21.18 View oEmbed on the source website 21.15 Middlemas singing 'That's What Makes You Beautiful' slowly, because that's how emotions work. 21.13 The way Emily Middlemas says 'judj-gees' makes me intensely nostalgic for home, so I officially award her All of the Points.™ 21.12 View oEmbed on the source website 21.10 View oEmbed on the source website 20.31 View oEmbed on the source website 20.25 Goddamn the X Factor social media team are impressive. Here's Matt Terry's opening performance. View oEmbed on the source website 20:24 REVIEW: both singers thus far were yeah. 20.22 View oEmbed on the source website 20.15 View oEmbed on the source website 20.07 Matt Terry up first with a Wham classic. Let's just leave the jokes, because none of them can be printed in Radio Times. 20.07 View oEmbed on the source website Nicole Scherzingers insta comments are just full of snakes and gift emojis lmaooo #XFactor #Gifty pic.twitter.com/7X0habuTND — Jacobㅤ (@jacobedwardsz) October 30, 2016 Some on Twitter seemed personally disappointed in the judges, deeming Gifty’s surprise send off a betrayal. View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website Gifty’s nonplussed reaction to being sent off became an instant meme, and while some fans took things too far, it seems the reptilian-responses might have been inspired by Gifty herself. She had previously expressed her hatred for the venomous creatures (snakes, not judges) on Twitter. View oEmbed on the source website The X Factor continues Saturday 8pm on ITV1 7.20 So as an experiment and because I’m bored on a Saturday, let’s see how easy it is to write an article out of literally nothing. I have no idea what it’s going to be yet, but I bet you £100 I’ll have it written and published here in 10 minutes. Start the clock. 7.18 View oEmbed on the source website 7.17 As a new viewer and live blogger, this ecosystem is what’s fascinated me the most – the shows themselves are pretty entertaining, but X Factor is all about the extra material. It’s hard to believe it has been running for so many years, because it seems custom designed for the age of Twitter. 7.15 Moving on to this week’s Backstage Nonsense Roundup.™ Simon’s slip of the tongue led some to claim the fix was in. Because journalism is dead, these tweets were immediately turned into clickbait articles on other sites. (I won’t link to them because I am a coward and want to keep working in this terrible industry.) Nevertheless, this makes a good point about why X Factor is so perfect for modern media. (Hi Google!) Speaking as a hack journalist myself, it’s a useful mix of story-able elements: famous judges with big personalities, pathos (sob stories) and bathos (Honey G) and a mass audience reacting in real time on Twitter. The show’s military-grade press team release a regular stream of information throughout the week (who’s singing what, who’s duetting with whom) and, like professional wrestling, the show creates its own storylines (Ryan and Emily). There’s also a ton of embeddable content (press pack photos, memes, YouTube clips, gifs and the like) that helps fill out an article and means I don’t have to do any research or write any words. It’s the perfect story! 7.10 Before I forget, this week’s theme is Boys vs Girls, inspired by the imminent US election. (Not really.) Here’s what they’re singing this week. Boys Matt Terry: Wham! - I’m Your Man View oEmbed on the source website Ryan Lawrie - The Beatles - Twist & Shout View oEmbed on the source website Girls Emily Middlemas: One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful View oEmbed on the source website Sam Lavery: Girls Aloud - I’ll Stand By You View oEmbed on the source website Overs Honey G: Kris Kross – Jump View oEmbed on the source website Saara Aalto: Girls Aloud - Sound of The Underground View oEmbed on the source website Groups 5 After Midnight: Spice Girls - Say You'll Be There View oEmbed on the source website Four of Diamonds: Wilson Phillips - Hold On View oEmbed on the source website 7.05 Gifty looked angry enough to became a meme. Which is just as good as winning the competition, right? Oh no, wait, it isn’t, because social media is a dehumanisation factory, where we boil strangers down to screengrabs, stamp them with a hashtag then move on. View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website View oEmbed on the source website 7.02 Last week Gifty was sent home, which displeased Gifty. View oEmbed on the source website And Simon said the wrong thing. View oEmbed on the source website 7.00 Hello, I’m Jonathan Holmes, and welcome to my fifth week of X Factor Live Blogging, and fifth week of watching X Factor in my entire life. So far it’s been a voyage of discovery, but quite a painful, migraine filled one, like those guys who stumble on The Nameless City in H.P. Lovecraft. Other people order Dominos for X Factor, I stock up on Neurofen.
The X Factor live shows Week Three – as it happens
It's Diva Week, but do the acts have the talent for some the greatest songs ever written?
22.08 View oEmbed on the source website 9.50 That's all folks! See you next week! Until then, keep the dream alive! #BDforJLxmas View oEmbed on the source website 9.46 To be fair that could have been truly painful, and it wasn't. Lucky the judges were there... View oEmbed on the source website 9.43 Saaro Aalto taking on Björk now. Not literally, of course. As everyone knows, Björk can only be harmed by slivers of the enchanted glacier that birthed her. 9.39 Personally, as an X Factor virgin who's now very, very tired, Relley C has been far and away the most pleasant to listen to. Soothing. Then again, I am very, very tired. 9.34 I simply can't work out what gets a standing ovation. "Yes! It's over! It's over!" 9.31 We're in the final stretch, which is lucky because I've got one of those headaches I only get watching X Factor. (It's very loud, isn't it?) Hopefully it's something nice and soothing next. Four of Diamonds – Lady Marmalade and Bang Bang by Jessie J, Arianna and Nicki Minaj. [Knocks back more Neurofen] 9.30 View oEmbed on the source website 9.27 View oEmbed on the source website 9.16 Emily and Ryan are about 6000% more adorable than any other Scottish couple. Trust me, I'm a Scotsman. And I'm deeply lonely. 9.13 Showing no signs of illness at all, rock solid performance here. It's almost...suspicious. #reallyrelley? 9.10 Relley C breaking her vow of silence to deliver this very special message... 9.10 View oEmbed on the source website 9.03 View oEmbed on the source website 9.00 Yes, the main event! At last! Honey G! 20:54 This is where my X Factor n00bishness plays against me. Who's winning here? Is anyone? View oEmbed on the source website 20:50 Can't say I really enjoyed Matt's falsetto, but my sinuses have never been so clear! 20:48 Matt Terry's just moved in and can't find the box with the lampshades. 20:47 Prove us wrong Matt! 20:46 Early leader seems to be Lavery, followed by Gifty, then Lawrie and 5 After Midnight. Next up Matt Terry with I'll Be There by Mariah Carey which... [Sighs. Keeps sighing. Sighs until we turn inside out.] 20:44 Asking the important questions View oEmbed on the source website 20:40 Nicole is the lone voice shouting into the wind here, suggesting that Lavery took on more than she could chew. Simon says she's jealous, but spells out the word like he's trying to hide that Nicole's taking a trip to the vet later. 20:36 Her band seem to be standing on a chunk of Warhammer 40K scenery. 20:35 Right, crank up the wind machine and open your shirt, it's Sam Lavery with the Earth Song. 20:33 The judges are pretty unanimous – the boys did themselves no favours there. For Nicole, it reminded her of something... View oEmbed on the source website 20:32 20:30 5 After Midnight tackling Valerie, which is brave, because even actual genius Amy Winehouse struggled to make it listenable. 20:29 Nicole voted Biggest Diva – 'I'm so diva I sweat glitter' 20:26 Just to clear up Sharon's continuing confusion. 20:24 View oEmbed on the source website 20:22 Simon: "Louis, for you to talk about wigs..." Dermot: "Well if anyone's an expert in new hair." [YaBurnt.gif] 20:21 Louis doesn't like Gifty's sci-fi hair. 20:20 Gifty gives more energy to Sam Smith's Lay Me Down than Sam Smith does, dedicating it to her late mother. 20:14 20:11 Sharon discovers Ryan is 20, not 17 (is she disappointed?) and goes back to safer ground: 'Are you sure you're not from Finland'? 20:09 Ryan Lawrie playing a Bond-inflected version of Rolling in the Deep, because every Adele song is a Bond theme now. Still a better choice than the original – Faith by George Michael – which only fits the 'diva' theme if you're a tabloid caption writer. 20:07 Fun Fact: when Andy Murray and Kim Sears are out of the country, Ryan Lawrie and Emily Middlemas are Scotland's official First Couple. 20:06 Nicole mixing I'm Every Woman by Chaka Khan and RESPECT by Aretha Franklin in a shameless grab for this year's Boots Christmas advert. 20:03 Dermot enters to the ultimate 'I don't know why I'm crying' floor filler – I Wanna Dance With Somebody by Whitney Houston. View oEmbed on the source website Emily Middlemas will be covering How Will I Know by Houston later. 7.55 Right, pay the pizza boy and pour yourself a stiff one –not you, Sharon– it's almost time. 7.50 Personally I think complaining that novelty acts make the X Factor a laughing stock is like whinging that clowns ruined your pie when they slapped it in your face. Or that creepy clowns are ruining the circus. 7.45 I understand that Honey G’s continued presence on the show is controversial. She’s the Donald Trump of contestants – she started as a joke no one took seriously, until suddenly she had wiped out the competition and people didn’t find it funny anymore. Now she’s kept afloat by a hard core of anti-establishment voters, who are sick of the ultra manufactured, identikit winners X Factor usually tosses up. The point is, even if she’s knocked out this week, she’ll probably have a career in America. Provided she concedes peacefully. 7.35 View oEmbed on the source website And finally, David Bowie’s estate reportedly banned Honey G from freestyle rapping over Ice, Ice Baby. This is despite the fact that Bowie allowed Vanilla Ice to sample Under Pressure in the first place. Still, Honey–‘Two Kettles’–G will now have to stick to the classic lyrics. Classic lyrics like… Quick to the point, to the point no faking I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon RESPECT OUR CULTURAL HERITAGE 7.30 Relley C had to wear a ‘voice rest’ sign around her neck, which told no-one to speak to her while she let her throat recover from a mystery illness. Fun fact: I wore a similar sign at school, but it wasn’t a sign, it was my face. 7.25 View oEmbed on the source website 7.21 First, Sharon Osbourne denied she was drunk when she forgot her act Saara Alto’s name last week. (She forgot where she was from in the first live show.) (It’s Finland.) "Some people think you're drunk,” asked Piers Morgan “have you been illicitly drinking?" Sharon responded: "Oh my lord. Maybe if I did have a drink, I'd remember people's names. I should try drinking!” (To be clear, this was a joke: "I have seen too many careers and families destroyed by alcohol. This Mrs isn't going there!") 7.20 Some really excellent back stage nonsense this week … 7.14 Oh, wait, Abba. Of course it’ll be Abba. 7.13 View oEmbed on the source website Personally, I’m looking forward to Earth Song (waht abaht elephunts?) and again am slightly discomfited that Saara Aalto is only allowed to sing generic Scandinavian fare. The Fin has already had Frozen (fictional Norway), now Bjork (Iceland), what next? 7.07 So, first things first, here are the songs they’ll be murdering. Matt Terry – I'll Be There by Mariah Carey Ryan Lawrie – Rolling In The Deep by Adele Emily Middlemas – How Will I Know? by Whitney Houston Sam Lavery – Earth Song by Michael Jackson Gifty Louise – Lay Me Down by Sam Smith Honey G – Under Pressure by Queen and Ice Ice Baby by Vanilla Ice Relley C – Natural Woman by Aretha Franklin Saara Aalto – Oh So Quiet by Bjork 5 After Midnight – Valerie by Amy Winehouse Four of Diamonds – Lady Marmalade and Bang Bang by Jessie J, Arianna and Nicki Minaj. 7.05 It’s Diva Week, which either means the acts are going to start demanding baskets of kittens in their dressing room, or they’re going to warble up and down on the high notes like they’re tuning a radio to contact dead people. I’m guessing the latter. 7.03 (Hint hint, commissioning editor Susanna Lazarus. Money please.) 7.02 (You could pay me to watch them, but Radio Times didn’t, so I didn’t.) 7.01 (Yes that means I skipped the results episodes after blogging the Saturday show.) 7.00 Hello, I’m Jonathan Holmes and thanks for joining me for the third week of live shows. (Fun fact: this is the third X Factor episode I’ve ever watched. Ever.) The X Factor Diva Week begins on ITV1 at 8pm.
Kate McKinnon's outtake reel from Ghostbusters is life-affirmingly funny
"Whatever doesn't kill ya...just weakens ya"
In the alternate history novel we've just started writing, Paul Feig released this outtake reel of Kate McKinnon before the film premiered, both sides of the great Ghostbusters war of 2016 laid down their arms, and peace reigned. Also we all live in steam powered airships. View oEmbed on the source website McKinnon is clearly on the cusp of superstardom (told ya) and all its attendant 'QUEEEEEN SLAAAAAY YEEEEEEES' memes. But before someone commissions whatever vehicle will make her a multimillionaire (hey meninists, here's an idea to get worked up about: how about a Planes, Trains and Automobiles remake?) it's worth letting yourself be impressed: this is a funny person, being funny, over and over again off the top of her head. Sometimes that's enough.
Dad builds incredible Ghostbusters wheelchair for son's Halloween
One of the most tiresome things about 2016 is that you now can't see a picture of Slimer or a Proton Pack without holding your breath and praying a culture war isn't going to break out. But we can all agree this is great, right? View oEmbed on the source website The ghostbuster at the wheel is Jeremy, and his dad Ryan Scott Miller built this incredible version of Ecto-1 around his wheelchair for Hallowe'en*. Miller walked through some of the features: "The Ecto-1 include working headlights, siren lights, tail lights and speakers for Ghostbusters siren and theme music! The roof rack includes yellow canisters, green canister, blue tubes, ladder, red probe, siren light, two speakers (one for the Ghostbusters siren and one for theme music), satellite dish and whatever the white & red canister is from the Ecto-1." We are immensely jealous, but at least it's not something really awesome, like a Star Wars snowspeeder, right? View oEmbed on the source website OK, we know what house we're Trick or Treating** this year. *Known as All Hallows' Eve over here in the UK. ** Better known as 'guising' to Brits.
Against all odds, 1970s nostalgia just won't go away. From classic sitcom revivals to The Floyd, we all seem to be yearning for brown furnishings and side-burns. But we've now hit peak nostalgia: ladies and gentlemen, entering the ring, it's World of Sport Wrestling! Anyone of that era will still remember names like Giant Haystacks and Big Daddy – memories of a time when wrestling was as big in Britain as snooker and tennis. Later this year, ITV will broadcast a one-off special starring new grapplers like Sha 'The East End Butcher' Samuels, Dave Mastiff and 'Viper' Kimberly Benson competing for the WoS belt. Commentary will be provided by WWE regular Jim Ross at the taping this November. It's sure to inspire some epic sofa match-ups among little ones across the country.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0DSro4l_0cE&showinfo=0
Frankie Boyle to host US election special on iPlayer
Comedian will be joined by Katherine Ryan and Sara Pascoe
Every night the dream's the same. I'm on a hill above the city. It's a nice day, children and couples enjoying each others' company. But then the wind changes. The laughter stops, the sky turns red and the world catches fire. The life we knew is blasted into shadow. And there, right at the centre of the maelstrom, is Frankie Boyle. And he's laughing. Hey look, the comedian's presenting a show on the US election. Oh. Oh no. American Autopsy will feature Boyle, Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan going over the Trump vs Clinton fight. Strangely, it will first be released BBC iPlayer at 9pm on Monday 14th November, with a broadcast later in the week on BBC Two. That's after the votes will have been counted, so presumably the plan is just to kick around in the ashes. Boyle hosted a similar show in the wake of the UK's General Election. “So great to be able to get the band back together with the brilliant Sara Pascoe and Katherine Ryan," Boyle said. "We look forward to broadcasting what may, depending on the result, be one of the final comedy shows before a full scale nuclear war." Please Frankie, don't tempt fate.
Broadchurch stars David Tennant and Olivia Colman play Chilli Jam Roulette
Deputy Downer Detective Inspector Alec Hardy and Detective Sgt. Ellie Miller are back, and they're placing themselves in the line of fire. Sort of. To promote Channel 4's Stand Up to Cancer this Friday, David Tennant and Olivia Colman played a round of 'chilli jam roulette' (it's what it sounds like) while in full costume. The results are more gruesome but also funnier than the standard Broadchurch crime scene. It's all good fun, but I imagine our American readers enjoyed the pair's discussion on the proper etiquette for putting jam on scones even more. Yes, we really do care about this stuff. Even when we know the scones are going to cause us physical pain. Stand Up to Cancer is on Channel 4 this Friday from 7pm
This dog sounds like a Tie Fighter. The dog is called Geraldine and she's so happy to be leaving the vet that she makes noises like a ship from Star Wars. I'm not sure how much more context you need here, so let's just run the tape. View oEmbed on the source website The original Tie Fighter sound effect – reminiscent of the screaming Japanese Zero fighters in World War 2 – was not made by a dog. Sound designer Ben Burt actually combined an elephant call with a car driving away. But this dog makes a suspiciously similar noise. Now, before someone weighs in with a conspiracy theory, it's true that the editing of the video means we never actually see the dog itself make the noise. But we're willing to trust it, simply because we don't want to live in a world where someone would bother faking this.
Justin Timberlake calls Susanna Reid his 'super hot grandma'
We can't decide if this is cute, funny or creepy. Help us out. Susanna Reid cameos in Justin Timberlake's new film trolls. [OK] He and co-star Anna Kendrick appeared on Good Morning Britain via video link, and brought a picture of Susanna with him. [Fine] "Good morning Britain. Susanna," Timberlake said "look, you're here with us." [Kinda funny] "You play my grandmother in Trolls and you look way too young." [That's true, Reid is 45, Timberlake is 35] "Your grandmother is a babe," Kendrick noted. [Getting creepy now] Timberlake: "I have a super hot grandmother." [Hmmmmm] View oEmbed on the source website "That is very cool though," Piers Morgan weighed in as Reid fell about laughing, "Timberlake doing the whole 'you look young to be a granny'" [Funny again] "He is right in your target range, isn't he?" [Excuse us while we throw up]
Ian Hislop's top tip for not getting sued: 'allegedly' doesn't work
Journalists spend 400% of their time trying to avoid lawsuits, but for many, their actual knowledge of the law barely rises above superstition. That’s why newsrooms are full of tips, tricks and cheats for hedging your bets and edging around the system, but there’s one you hear again and again – just drop the word ‘allegedly’ in there and you’ll be fine. It’s a joke that Private Eye editor Ian Hislop has used for years on Have I Got News For You, following his most venomous barbs and accusations with the legalese ‘allegedly’. The only problem? It doesn't work, as he advised Nick Robinson and an audience at the Cheltenham Literature Festival. [Note: Right, this could get tricky – the Radio Times is not Private Eye, and I’m confident our legal team would not want its writers picking up habits from Britain’s most (allegedly) sued man. There may be some minor redactions to follow.] Nick Robinson: “Since [event], I've noticed that Private Eye has become interested in [person], for [reasons]. Allegedly.” Ian Hislop: “I should point out that allegedly is no defence at all in libel. I perpetrated this myth for years hoping some judge would believe me.” “Allegedly doesn’t work. For instance if I say [person] is particularly [adjective], allegedly, then I’m just repeating the libel from someone else, which is another offence.” [Note: You see?] “But that one’s pretty safe, because it’s true." [Note: Danger of jigsaw identification here? What is ‘truth’ anyway? How much could the courts take us for?] Nick Robinson then revealed the on-camera version of ‘allegedly’ – the question mark. Nick Robinson: “In broadcasting the idea used to be you could add a question mark. I once had a conversation on Panorama when I was behind the camera, and they wanted to do a thing where they said Margaret Thatcher was mad.” [Note: As Margaret Thatcher has passed away, we’re safe to repeat this. Welcome to the wacky world of libel law!] “Then they said, would it help if we put a question mark on the end? And I said you want to put a question mark on the end of ‘is the Prime Minister mad’? On balance, that probably won’t help a huge amount.” [Note: The reason they could say all this in front of a packed audience? Well, because it isn’t libel. When you say it out loud, it’s slander.] [Allegedly.]
Private Eye editor Ian Hislop reveals the hilarious Donald Trump cover you'll never see
Speaking at the Cheltenham Literature Festival, the editor of 30 years reveals what goes into a good front page
Laughing at the new Private Eye cover has been a British tradition since 1961, and Ian Hislop has been in charge of them since 1986. (Hislop was 26 when he took over.) But one of its recent targets is as American as they come: Donald Trump. "Not only was it my thirty year anniversary, so I was really hoping to have a good cover," he told interviewer Nick Robinson at the Cheltenham Literature Festival, "but with Trump I've heard far too many people say 'oh it's impossible to satirise him, he satirises himself'." "Well that's not true, you've just got to work harder. " The result? View oEmbed on the source website However, gold like that doesn't spring out of nowhere, and Hislop walked the audience through the thinking behind it. "The cover is the focus for people deciding whether they want to buy the magazine, it makes a huge difference for us. One of the early ideas was Trump saying to Hillary Clinton 'your husband's behaved appallingly too', and then Hillary saying 'well at least he knew when to withdraw.'" (Side-note: we laughed at this joke so much we mocked it up ourselves, just for fun.) Nevertheless, Hislop believes they arrived at the right cover. "It was very graphic and it had the word 'grope', and that's what you wanted to go on. I mean, how much influence can a satirical magazine have on voters in the Midwest? But it got a certain amount of play in America, particularly to embarrass the religious right. This is your candidate, is that what you want?" Well no matter who wins, at least we got some laughs out of it. That's something, right?
Could Shetland's Tosh get her own spin-off?
The Shetland TV series is based on the novels by Ann Cleeves, but it doesn’t follow the books slavishly. One of the biggest changes is the character of Tosh, who was created for the show. “The Tosh character was created by David Kane for the first episode, she isn’t in the books,” executive producer Elaine Collins explained during a special Radio Times panel at this year’s Cheltenham Literature Festival. “I said to Davey, because he’s brilliant at funny female characters, can you write one of those wonderful women that you write?” As played by Alison O’Donnell, Tosh quickly became a fan favourite. And as for the original author? Well… “I am deeply jealous that I didn’t create Tosh. I might write a series of novels just about Tosh!” O’Donnell saw her chance and took it. “I’m available for the TV adaptation!”
Shetland author Ann Cleeves: "I might kill off Jimmy Perez"
Is time running out for the wind-swept DI?
Ann Cleeves has written 30 books over the last 30 years, and among her most popular creations is Detective Inspector Jimmy Perez in the Shetland series. Douglass Henshall has won legions of fans with his portrayal in the BBC adaptation, but they might be in for a tough time. “Jimmy was created because I thought there would just be one book,” Cleeves told an audience at the Cheltenham Literature Festival. “It seemed like it would be stretching credibility to kill off too many people in Shetland, with its small population.” “I was going to do just four, just one quartet, but it grew. There will be just one more Shetland book after Cold Earth. And then the story is told.” Then she dropped the bombshell. “I might kill him off.” Cleeves said this with a laugh, so it might not have been serious, but Henshall could read the writing on the wall. “The life of an actor right there! You think everything’s going fantastic, then they just kill you.” Well, the TV series has diverged from the books, so there may be hope yet. As for book-Jimmy, maybe it’s time to get a ticket off the island?
Alexei Sayle on Rik Mayall: 'he loved watching tapes of himself'
The Young Ones co-star pays tribute to the late comedian
He's the late, great king of anarchic comedy, but Rik Mayall was also charmingly narcissistic. At least according to his co-star on The Young Ones, Alexei Sayle. "One thing Rik liked to do was he’d bring you back to his flat and make you watch tapes of Rik Mayall," he told an audience at the Cheltenham Literature Festival. "He watched Rik Mayall like he was a new comic he’d discovered – ‘Rik Mayall’. He’d watch himself with such naïve enjoyment that you couldn’t even be bored, because his enjoyment from watching himself was so deep." On a more serious note, Sayle paid tribute to the birth of the alternative comedy movement, comparing the experience to other Liverpool icons. "Nothing lasts, and that’s one of the beautiful things but also one of the sad things. We were like the Beatles: a gang, us against the world. And that period, it didn’t last, it can’t last, but it was wonderful for a few years. Just to be part of it." "Comedy is at its most sublime when it gets a laugh out of nothing. The thing about Rik was he was natural funny."