Mrs Brown on her chaotic Christmas plans – and her crushes

 Mammy is looking forward to the Queen’s Speech and the mistletoe

Mrs Brown (Getty,mh)

What does Christmas look like round at Mrs Brown’s?

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It’s no secret that it’s usually mayhem. All the intentions are good. The schedule is set out for the day – “We will be up at that time, we will open the presents at this time, we will have Christmas dinner at this time” – and, of course, by the time Christmas dinner is served it’s nearly seven o’clock at night and the day is gone.

Do the kids help with the Christmas cooking?

The kids are old-fashioned in that they think the Christmas dinner comes out of the kitchen on its own and that there’s no one actually in there cooking. It’s the same with the washing up. They all have good intentions when it comes to the washing up, but it’s the usual story – everybody falls asleep in front of the television and by the time they wake up, the washing up is all done and I’m in bed.

How many do you cook for?

Up to 12. I offer them a leg each.

Are you a leg or a breast Mammy?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I’m very much a leg Mammy… but only because a turkey has no a**e.

Any Christmas Day disasters?

I’ve had a couple of black rather than white Christmasses. I’ve resolved that, though. I now have the turkey and Christmas dinner cooked by Marks & Spencer.

Mrs Brown (BBCPictures,mh)

Who would you most like to kiss under the mistletoe?

Daniel O’Donnell, who I absolutely adore. And Benjamin Netanyahu because I like the sound of his name. I’m old-fashioned and a Tom Jones fan, so perhaps him. I would consider Brad Pitt but I’d be worried it might lead to something.

Oh, really, Agnes… like what?

More adoptions – and I have enough kids as it is.

What’s on your Christmas wish list for this year?

I just want us all to get on.

Mrs Brown (BBCPictures,mh)

So you’re not materialistic?

I’m an Axminster socialist… everyone should have nice carpets.

Where do you hide the presents for the kids?

I have a spot under the kitchen sink – it’s the best place to hide anything from the family, where there’s detergent they never use.

What is the best gift you’ve ever received?

Back in 1974, my husband’s death certificate.

That’s a bit harsh!

Oh, he wasn’t dead, but we got a nice insurance claim and had a wonderful Christmas.

Mrs Brown (BBCPictures,mh)

I bet you never miss the Queen’s Speech…

Never. It’s the only time on television when a woman gets to speak uninterrupted.

Do you watch other festive TV?

I haven’t really watched Christmas television since Morecambe and Wise stopped.

How do you see in the new year?

We all try to get to my house for midnight. We link arms and sing Auld Lang Syne and then hope the first person through the door after midnight is a dark-haired man carrying a piece of coal. That’s regarded as very lucky in Ireland. Unfortunately, it’s mostly been a white-haired grandad carrying a bottle of stout.

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Mrs Brown’s Boys is on Christmas Day and New Year’s Day at 10pm on BBC1