It’s all aboard the good ship Utterly Useless in The Apprentice this week, as candidates hop on a cruise liner and head to Bruges.
As you’d expect, total chaos abounds. The aim of the task is to sell and then run tours of the Belgian city to the ship’s passengers, and there are promises of Segway tours, plenty of beer and knowledgeable, expert tour guides.
What the tourists actually end up with is the two teams in blue and yellow uniforms looking like packs of Scouts and Brownies who actually have navigation skills that are far, far below that of an eight-year-old.
The poor tourists (who we would pity more if they didn’t know that they’re on The Apprentice) end up being treated to a three-hour walking tour of the city by Charles Burns. Not that it was meant to be three hours. It was supposed to be 30 minutes.
But embarrassingly, the tour ends up walking round and around and around again in circles, Charles only just stopping short of doing a Joey, putting the map on the floor and trying to stand in it. It’s one of the customers on the tour who has to eventually step in and show where they’re supposed to be going.
Things go from bad to worse for the punters on Team Vitality’s horror of a holiday.
Anisa Topan gives a history tour that includes highlights like, “We’re heading off to Burg Square…oh, this is Burg Square currently. Take in the sights…”
And then: silence.
Although silence is probably preferable to what’s going on over at Team Graphene. Elizabeth McKenna is in charge and she’s taking no prisoners dressed as Brown Owl; least of all the paying customers who she bosses about like kids on a school trip, telling them not to linger, walk quicker and shooing them about.
“We’re herding cats at the minute, let’s get them going,” she says, as Claude Littner looks on.
“It’s a bit like a school trip,” he says. “And she’s the headmistress.”
She actually ends her tour with the deadpan words: “It’s been emotional”.
We’re not sure we’d use the word emotional, but it’s certainly been… something.
The Apprentice airs Wednesday 8th November at 9pm on BBC1.