The new Apprentice candidates’ audition videos are just as painful as you’d expect

“Look VIP. Act VIP. Be VIP”

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Hooray. It’s that time of year again when Lord Sugar rips hopeful candidates to shreds in front of our eyes.

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That’s right, The Apprentice returns on Thursday 6th October, and the audition videos are almost precisely the last burst of naive optimism and self confidence we hear from the poor sods for the next 12 weeks.

This year, they are better than ever. Here are the highlights… 

Oliver Nholoser: “If I was an animal, it would have to be a pig. I know pigs inside out. I used to keep them, I cherished them, just as pets.” 

Samuel Boateng: “My wife calls me Mr President.”

Alessandra King: “I don’t fear other candidates, the only things I fear are tsunamis, volcanoes and Ebola.” Way to lower the tone, Alessandra. 

She then says, “I can speak cat” and proceeds to literally meow and hiss.

Mukai Noiri: “My personality, I guess, is pazzazz, bang, whoosh and PING PONG.” Um…

Karthik Nagesan: “I’ve got a nice little – nice big – monobrow. For the last ten years, people have been telling me: ‘Pluck it out, be like everybody else, have two eyebrows,’ but Karthik – or the big K – is not somebody who’s like everybody else.”

Dillon St. Paul: “I’m very clean.”

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The Apprentice begins on BBC1 on Thursday 6 October at 9pm