EastEnders: Phil contacts Mark Fowler Jr – but here are 10 reasons why he should stay away

Because only bad things happen to those who come to live in Albert Square

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Tonight’s EastEnders cliffhanger saw Phil Mitchell make contact with Mark Fowler Jr, the son that Grant doesn’t even know he has. Now, in soapland, you don’t open a can of worms like this without there being far-reaching consequences.

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So it’s surely only a matter of time before Mark makes his Walford debut – but is Albert Square honestly the best place for him to be? Here are 10 reasons why Mark shouldn’t be packing his suitcase any time soon:

1. He’s got nice eyes and American teeth: within minutes of arriving, he’s bound to get into a fight, his eyes ending up blacked and his teeth flying into the pit of the Arches.

2. He makes good coffee: once Ian gets a sniff of those skills, Mark Jr will end up working in the Bridge Street cafe until the end of time.

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3. He uses his British accent to pull the girls: most of the girls in Albert Square currently seem to have chlamydia, so he’d be riddled with STIs at the first sign of romance.

4. He’s on a sports scholarship: cue a career-ruining car accident that will put paid to his sporting dreams and give Ian more reason to keep him chained to the aforementioned cafe.

5. He’d never get to see his mum again: Susan Tully ain’t returning as Michelle. So there’s no way she’ll be visiting him. In fact, the writers will probably kill her off just to give Mark something to angst about. (Only for them to miraculously resurrect her for the 50th anniversary of EastEnders.)

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6. He’s got “a good life, a happy life”: nobody in Walford has been able to say this. Ever.

7. He’d have Grant as a dad: Sharon says that Mark has brains. Ask Grant anything approximating a tricky question and he’ll smash you in the guts with a bar stool.

8. He’ll never be able to wear his shirt: it’s colder here than in Florida but it’s Walford Law that every young man must be objectified for at least three months. See Kush Kazemi’s naked pumpkin parade and Andy the Builder’s showers for further details.

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9. He lives in Florida: so he’d be swapping the Keys and Miami Beach for afternoons on Arthur’s Bench and away days in Southend.

10. And does Mark Fowler Jr REALLY want to be a Mitchell anyway? After all, Grant’s broke, Phil’s dying, Ronnie and Ben are both killers, Roxy’s a drugs mule and Jay’s on the sex offenders’ register. Hardly The Waltons are they?

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Our advice? Stay well clear, Mark Fowler Jr!!

You can watch a 60-second rundown of next week’s episodes of EastEnders below

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