These 10 incredibly dark theories will ruin your favourite children’s shows

We're not sure why that's a good thing

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Back when people smoked pipes unironically, childish things were for children – toys, stories, hope, etc. Adults did adult things, like banking, playing cribbage, committing adultery and smoking pipes. It wasn’t a perfect system, but it stopped the cynical horror of adulthood infecting your beloved childhood memories.

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The benefit of putting childish things away is that the childish things are kept nice and safe behind glass and don’t get stained by pipe ash. The Victorians invented the modern concept of childhood; they also invented the modern museum.

Now every adult is an overgrown child – they watch superhero movies, collect action figures and write about Doctor Who on the internet. But you can’t stop adults thinking like adults, which is why you get things like this video of 10 dark theories about beloved children’s shows.

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Yes, Spongebob is apparently a nuclear mutation, Winnie the Pooh is a compulsive eater, Ash is dead, Babar is colonialism, repeat until depressed. We’ll give Screen Rant’s theories points for inventiveness, but if they ever start on Duck Tales we’ll have a problem.