Honestly, by the time it gets to Christmas Day, my hands have to be forced into mittens for our Afternoon Walk as I beg, “No, no, don’t make me go outside. I must watch this made-for-TV movie about an orphaned girl who finds a mom in time for Christmas!”
And surely I’ll have had more than enough chilly Northern fresh air without even leaving the house, having watched BBC4’s Slow TV film, All Aboard! The Sleigh Ride on Christmas Eve. Two hours of crunching snow and tinkling reindeer bells. No narration. No music. A proper winter wonderland. I’ll wear a woolly hat and put a blanket across my knees while watching as I shout, “Is that a moose?”
By New Year’s Day, a Swat team will be called to get me off the sofa as I plead, “No, no, I must watch a cartoon about a toy train that gets lost in the snow!” But not before the New Year’s Day Concert Live from Vienna on BBC2. I’m not even terribly keen on classical music, but it’s a family tradition stretching back to childhood.
Besides there’s something about the sweeping grandeur of a Strauss waltz… accompanied by a bacon sandwich to soak up the very unwise early-morning decision to dig out those liqueurs of dubious provenance because all the wine boxes are empty.
And by the end of two weeks I will have become a savage, biting the heads off chocolate bears without even removing the gold paper, as men with jackhammers try to free my ossified body from the sofa. Then it’s back to work. To watch TV. Merry Christmas!