Question 1: Is it true Rambo has been spied in Wakefield?
Please don’t confuse venerable Hollywood veteran Sylvester Stallone with a character he played a mere four times.
Question 2: So you’re not denying that he’s been flexing his muscles up north?
No, that part is true. According to The Sun, the American action hero has been shooting an advert: he’s to be the new face of British family bakery Warburtons.
Question 3: Rambo always did strike me as a family man at heart. But why does Warburtons need him to protect its bread?
We won’t say it twice. Ok, we will: during his long and illustrious Hollywood career Mr “Sly” Stallone has played a huge variety of roles, including many beautifully nuanced characters such as…Rocky. Ahh, we see your point.
Question 4: So why would Warburtons need Rambo to protect its bread? Has Hovis been getting heavy?
We don’t know but of course that hasn’t stopped us speculating. We reckon the enemy isn’t Hovis but all those artisanal interlopers: the fashion for goat’s cheese rye loaves and cardamon sourdough has been eating into profits and Warburtons want a slice of the action.
Question 5: Ooo, sounds like a battle not to be missed! Do you think he’ll be in a boxing ring with bright-eyed, dimple-cheeked bakers with degrees from Oxbridge and names like Freddie Thoroughbred?
Boxing ring? So you have seen Rocky.
Question 6: When can I see a slice of the action?
Rocky – Mr Stallone, we mean – only filmed the advert at Warburtons bakery in Yorkshire this week so it won’t appear on our screens until later this year.
Question 7: What’s next for Sly?
Question 8: A Werther’s Original gig?
More Rocky and More Rambo. He’s already jetted back across the pond to shoot Creed, in which Rocky Balboa will mentor his old pal Apollo Creed’s grandson. And the fifth Rambo film, The Last Blood, is in pre-production. Not to mention The Expendables 4, hitman movie Scarpa and animation Animal Crackers…
Question 9: Gosh, not bad for a 68-year-old. So he’s clearly not short of dough?
No, but we hear crumpets are hard to come by in America.