Have you got a Sherlock-shaped hole in your viewing schedule? Us too. But not to worry, the new series returns tomorrow. While we wait for the return of Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman in the third series – and finally get to the bottom of that fall – let’s take a moment to consider the life lessons we’ve learned from Sherlock Holmes et al…
1. A good coat and a short friend makes one look much taller.
2. Some problems just aren’t worth leaving the house for. Rate them before you bother.
3. Thinking can annoy others.
4. Cluedo doesn’t have to live in its box. Stick it up on the wall, like others would a painting. But cheaper.
5. And of course, the victim did it. It’s the only possible solution. The rules are wrong.
6. Get others to send your texts for you.
7. Those strange scratches on your phone? Yes, that’s you plugging it in in the dark. Perhaps after a nightcap. Or two.
8. A skull is as good a house decoration as any.
9. Always keep a violin handy. For thinking, musical creation…
10. Speaking out loud doesn’t necessarily require someone else to be listening.
11. Unemployed? Unemployable? Fine. Just invent your own job. Consulting [insert word here]. Job done.
12. You don’t need to admit you’ve forgotten anything. You’ve deleted it from your hard drive. Knowing whether the earth goes around the sun isn’t that important, right?
13. Why hide the truth? Telling little girls their Granddad isn’t in heaven but was taken to a special room and burned is far more honest…
14. The average human memory on visual matters is only 62% accurate (apparently). But not to worry. Just take a picture. Easier.
15. There’s always time for a grammar lesson. Even for someone facing the death penalty. Hung/hanged. It matters at any time. OK?
16. Keeping body parts in the fridge will put others off their beans, even if it’s for an experiment.
17. Underwear isn’t really necessary for a visit to Buckingham Palace. Neither are trousers. A bed sheet will do.
18. London cabs won’t pick you up if you’re covered in blood and carrying a harpoon. It’s fine. Just hop on the tube.
19. A packet of Quavers constitutes taking someone for lunch.
20. Staying Alive by the Bee Gees is totally a suitable ringtone.