The X Factor - it's like putting on an old pair of comfy slippers isn't it? And we bargain the next few weeks will go something like this...
Dermot O’Leary will spin on the spot and tell us our Saturday night starts right here. And if he doesn’t, Twitter will implode.
A judge will refuse to vote/ walk off/ cry – in fact, probably all of the above. Probably every week. Until Christmas.
Another act will have to change their name for some sort of legal reason à la Kingsland Road.
A 'wildcard' will be brought back. Bets on returning act Melanie McCabe in Scherzinger's category?
Someone will dig up some dirt about the loveliest act and ruin their clean-cut image. Abi Alton must have forgotten to feed her goldfish or something once upon a time, right?
Everyone will bully Louis Walsh as he tries to turn every act into a mini Westlife.
There’ll be some dodgy makeovers that they’ll instantly regret.
An act that doesn’t win will immediately outsell the winner.
In fact, there’ll probably be another Rage Against the Machine-style campaign to keep the winner from scooping Christmas number one. The Call Centre star Nev Wilshire has a charity single out…
Sam Bailey’s entire family will wear their mummy/auntie/sister/dog’s brother’s owner’s got the X Factor t-shirts.
An act will turn on their mentor and release a tell-all article in a magazine when they get voted out for being rubbish.
Gary Barlow will try and be mean, but we all know he’s soft as butter.
People will tweet about how much they hate X Factor, which means they’re watching it. And tweeting about it.
Rough Copy will get its third member Kazeem back. All the other acts will act like their OK with it. Then moan on Twitter.
Someone will twerk.
X Factor live shows start this Saturday (8pm) and Sunday (8pm) on ITV