It's Saturday night, so of course I should be out partying. It's what the cool kids are doing. Instead, I've been in watching The X Factor on the ITV app.
Yes, the app.
Honestly, who knew getting a satellite dish installed when you move into a new flat was such a palaver? It's a long story, don't ask.
But being as it's still the audition stage, with acts turning up with framed pictures of their cat to help them relax, that's just an excuse really. I've had my pjs on since about 4pm. I was never going out.
And why would I when people like Thomas Feely, 54, are here to brighten my evening? I mean, he had to take a pause from singing Stevie Wonder to let Gary Barlow know there'd be an instrumental section. Played off of his laptop. A Dell. Tom's not sure how many megabytes. He's not had a look inside.
And then there's Ryan Matthie. He sang beautifully. After revealing a big part of his job involves swimming around in people's bin juice.
Ah, but X Factor and its clever editing almost got me this week. OK, not almost. It did. I naively thought 58 year-old tree surgeon Stuart Manson was about to wow us with a voice to rival Sting. It was the New Zealand shirt, trousers and braces combo. How silly of me. He sounded like he was trying to cough up a hairball. “Quite bizarre” as Sharon Osbourne put it.
Even Colin Stacey with Patch the cat's photo in a frame sounded better (he has had six singing lessons after all). Oh wait, no. That was Gary and Nicole Scherzinger singing along.
Thank goodness then (for all of our sanity) that new stars Abi Alton and Relley C were here to wow us with their stunning vocals. Abi even comes with her own roadie... yes. It's her dad.
But that wasn't all. Four familiar faces were back and they certainly packed a punch. Jade Richards, 23, returned for her third audition, having failed to make it past Kelly Rowland's house in 2011. Her rendition of Bruno Mars's When I Was Your Man certainly made that look like a daft decision.
Back too was Amy Mottram, 17, who Tulisa chose to leave behind last year. Amy's stunning rendition of Emeli Sande's Clown was a secret message, I like to think.
There were The Dolly Rockers too, who made it to Louis Walsh's house in 2006 (extra X Factor brownie points if you remembered them) and fourth-time's-the-charm Melanie McCabe. Not only did she scoop the award for best performance of the day from Gary, but she made Louis cry. Job done.
The X Factor continues tomorrow night, 8:00pm, ITV