Is it just me who has never heard of the ‘celebrities’ in the ‘Celebrity’ Big Brother house? Helen Flanagan? More like Helen Come-Again? Even I'm more famous than they are, and no-one’s ever heard of me. Or talks to me. I am utterly alone.
And can I really be the only one who doesn’t vote for the X Factor? What am I going to do with another three minutes to vote? How am I supposed to pay attention to the adverts if I’m busy dialing? Also, who owns a phone these days? Who are they talking to? Friends?
I see Bodger & Badger are coming back. Is it just me, or are children’s shows rubbish compared to when I/we/you were young? I used to love Blue Peter, but now I find it really patronising. We’re not idiots Skelton! Plus I’ve been out of washing-up liquid for months. Where am I supposed to find a bottle?
And am I really the only soul on the face of the Earth who isn’t impressed by Breaking Bad? The blue colour of Walter’s meth indicates an impurity that lessens the high. If you buy blue crystal meth, you’re an idiot. It’s common sense people! But then it seems like common sense is in increasingly short supply. Or is that only me?
Read more from our colourful columnist Alastair Savage here
Is it only Alastair, or does he have a point? Tell us below...