Sarah Millican: When I eat a pasty I want it to feel wrong

"To bridge the gap between series of The Great British Bake Off I have fallen into some bad habits..."

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To bridge the gap between series of The Great British Bake Off or Bake Off as the cool kids call it (so I hear), I have fallen into some bad habits. I make a cake and pretend I am on the show. I talk to imaginary Mels and Sues and put the heating up so I’m sweating more to look realistic. On one occasion, I intentionally dropped my cake on the floor so that the rest of the people in the room (cats) stopped what they were doing (sleeping) and looked at my cake (licked the icing). Honestly, Bake Off needs more cats.

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Other less worrying habits include watching Paul Hollywood make bread, which is great but a bit like if Cagney became a private detective without Lacey (apologies to youngsters reading this. Why not YouTube “Cagney and Lacey” and cry about how you were born too late?). Bread is lovely, don’t get me wrong. But it’s not cake. Or it’s rubbish cake. I always thought that bread needed more sugar and some icing.

I’ve been sucked into the Greggs docusoap (Greggs: More than Meats the Pie) on Sky1, where they are trying to posh up Greggs. Why? When I eat a sausage, bean and cheese melt in my car in an industrial estate car park with my boyfriend, I want it to feel wrong. I’ve never had an affair but I imagine it feels pretty similar to pasties on a wasteland.

I don’t want CUTLERY. Which was one of the problems early on in the Thirsk branch after the refurbishment, according to the grumpy change-fearing regulars. No cutlery or crockery was provided. At the end of the show, a message popped up that “Proper crockery is now available in Thirsk”. Thank God for that. I’ll cross that off my list.

The Americans are having a bash at Bake Off and who better to fill Berry’s shoes than the Cake Boss Buddy Valastro. If you haven’t seen Cake Boss, sort that out at your earliest convenience (it’s on TLC). Next Great Baker is Buddy’s new Bake Off-style show, but it’s more aggressive than its UK counterpart. It’s like Joe Pesci and Ray Liotta have “taken out” Mel and Sue – and not for afternoon tea. Buddy introduces one of the judges, his sister no less, as a “real pain in the ass”, and when explaining the next challenge he follows up “if you don’t impress me with your cake” with the sign for slitting someone’s throat. It makes Brendan’s shredded wheat roof debacle look like not that big a deal (I know, it SO WAS).

So I’m managing, is what I’m saying. Coping. But I miss Paul and Mary.


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Sarah’s stand-up DVD, Thoroughly Modern Millican Live, is available at amazon.co.uk