I don’t like to be scared. I can’t understand the appeal. I see people get off a roller coaster laughing while I’m searching for a mint to cleanse my mouth of the sick that just sneaked in it. I’ve only been on a ghost train once and I got a headache from keeping my eyes so tightly shut.
My fella and I paid a visit to the haunted house at Disneyland Paris a few years back and I distracted myself by talking to him about our relationship on the way in. Turns out, to blokes, commitment chat is far scarier than anything a theme park has to offer. I have a friend who sees the latest torture porn film at the cinema for her birthday. She is a vegetarian. She can watch someone saw their own hand off but she can’t eat a tiny cow. I hid behind my scarf for a lot of Django Unchained. It sounded brilliant. I’ve even been known to leave a bathroom light on in a hotel room “so I don’t trip on anything”. Like the dark. Or monsters.
But there are exceptions. What about if something might be clever and creepy. That’s tough. Like when something is chocolatey but also melty in your handbag. Those decisions are tricky. I knew that episode one of series two of Charlie Brooker’s Black Mirror was going to be creepy because I watched the trailer and “ooh”-ed and clapped.
Oh no, clapping means it’s got to be watched. It started with a couple driving. I am nervous for telly and film drivers. They never look at the road enough for my liking. I can’t be the only person to fast forward the bit in Sleepless in Seattle when Meg hears Tom on the radio while driving and looking wistful. Wistful will get you killed, woman! Watch the road!
Black Mirror is as smart as you’d expect from a clever clogs like Brooker and stays with you after you’ve seen it. Remind me to pop that bathroom light on, will you?
And I swear The Walking Dead is giving me an ulcer. An excellent zombie drama series with proper fleshed-out (hee!) characters, it still makes me beg my cat to sit beside me until it’s over. I normally watch it with my man and blink for a long time during the snappy-bone-and-innards bits. But when he’s not there, I watch it with my Walking Dead family – writers Lucy Mangan and JoJo Moyes – at hand on Twitter to type at when it gets bad. And the cat has left to turn the bathroom light on.
Sarah's stand-up DVD, Thoroughly Modern Millican Live, is now available at amazon.co.uk