Oscar nominees who fail to scoop an award this weekend will find a rather eclectic selection of items in their complimentary commiserative gift bags – like crockery, prophylactics and (ooh, the glamour) window cleaning fluid.
The bags will be provided by US PR firm Distinctive Assets, which has compiled ‘swag bags’ for Oscars losers for the past eleven years, and the company announced earlier this week that it's pulled out all the stops to wow Hollywood’s second-best and not-quite-brightest in 2013.
As well as the sort of high-end, swanky freebies that you’d expect at an event of the Academy Awards’ magnitude – like $5,000 face-lift gift certificates, $120 bottles of maple syrup and trips to Australia – this year’s bags will also contain some rather less glamourous items that could be sending out some hidden messages...
Copies of QVC presenter Leeza Gibbons’s self-help book Take 2: Your Guide to Happy Endings and New Beginnings might gee up the... non-winners after their disappointment, while sets of Portion Control dinnerware (valued at $59) could help them shift those pesky extra pounds that may just have inhibited their chances by showing up on the big screen. Hair ties that double as bracelets ($80) and a device called The Ultimate Fuzz Remover ($19.99) (stop sniggering at the back – it’s used to remove fluff from sweaters) could also help to improve their appearance (although that's almost certainly not the intention – they're actually just thoughtful, practical gifts).
And while it's possible that even Oscar-less members of the Tinseltown elite will find some use for the six-packs of Naked condoms in their gift bags, it's hard to believe that anyone attending the Academy Awards actually needs a complimentary $3.99 bottle of Windex. Still, the thoughtful PR firm’s chucked one into each bag nonetheless.
Distinctive Assets will also be gifting bottles of tequila to Sunday’s losers, so they'll at least be able to drown their sorrows. Let’s just hope they don’t get too tired and emotional and end up reaching for the Windex instead…
The Oscars will air live in the UK on Sunday night from 11:30pm on Sky Movies Oscars.