8.22 Take Me Out has just finished. If you missed it: Sebastian, the Seventh Earl of Rocestershire, who enjoys pheasants and purchasing hotels, won a date with Lamazqua, a hairdresser from Nuneaton whose interests include glue and scissors. Make sure to find out how they got on next Saturday.
8:34 Opening your show: KYE SONES! Kye, who sounds like a ripped set of bellows under a heavy duvet, is insanely attempting Let Me Entertain You by Robbie Williams. In a masterclass with Kye, Robbie himself says: "The problem is not the notes." In previous weeks that's definitely been among Kye's problems, but we'll see.
8:36 Kye has rocked this song RIGHT up by... slowing it down slightly. YOWZAH!
8:37 He sang the notes. He ran up the stairs through the crowd to a special perspex stage, like the one Ant and Dec stand on sometimes for Britain's Got Talent. He finished on time. It was competent! Probably Kye's most competent performance of the series! "Thank God for that!" comments Gary.
9:05 Rylan does Toxic by Britney, mashed up innit with Horny by Mousse T and Poison by N Scherzinger. He's dressed as the Sontarans' eccentric great uncle and is flamboyantly, confidently out of tune. "You remind me of a young Jean Paul Gaultier!" is Louis' comment on Rylan's technical vocal ability. 9:15 Now it's time for vibrating Scouse ballad-squeezer, CHRISTOPHER MALONEY!
9:19 Gary tries to cure Christopher's nerves by showing him his most nervous moments on a generic tablet device. Also, Gary's mum is a big fan. Chris gives his elderly fans exactly what they want with (I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight by Cutting Crew. Big overcoat.
9:24 Decent enough performance there from the quivering Liverpudlian cheeseball. He planted his feet and belted it out. Louis says Christopher is a future panto star, but then massively contradicts himself by comparing Christopher to the immense Tony Christie. Louis was right there for about five seconds - a new record.
9:26 Tulisa complains that Christopher is a rampant fromagerie - Gary employs the tried and tested John Terry defence and complains about her "fag-ash breath". Quick as a flash, Tulisa says Gary's breath stinks of wine. I say quick as a flash, it was about 35 seconds later, but still, a zinger.
9:31 Next up: their name sounds like a low-budget European horror film where young people are possessed by the spirits of the dead, and shuffle around making bewildering, atonal groaning noises – but the reality could not be more different! Yes, it's Steve, James, Jeremy, John, Paul and Georgina, aka DISTRICT3!
9:33 "Your voices are actually good enough," says Robbie Williams, who seems to have declined to mentor Christopher but is now back. Are they, though? Are they? The Strict are tackling Every Breath You Take, dressed as glam droogs. Oh and they've mashed it up innit with Beautiful Monster by Ne-Yo! The songs don't go together at all! One stops, then the other starts, then the first one comes back. Edgy.
9:36 Oh I love it when a prediction comes together. That's an exit perf, for my money.
9:36 "An absolute mess. A musical mess," says Gary, who is "fed up of mash-ups". Nicole, who was moved by Christopher to shake her pussycat doll in Gary's face, remains seated and solemnly tells District3 that that massively, massively honked. She is not wrong. I think they're doomed. Ad break!
10:03 I'm definitely thinking Ella shouldn't be odds-on favourite to win the whole thing any more. I really think Union J could win. And here's a dark horse: JAMES ARTHUR.
10:05 James, in a straitjacket and heavy manscara, does Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics. I'm calling it now: he'll be in the final.
8:18 As you may know, there's been massive drama already today. Lucy Spraggan, the drinking woman's Pam Ayres, will not be gracing us tonight with what surely would have been a tremendous version of Umbrella by Rihanna, only acoustic and with an extra verse about kebabs or buses or something. She's left the competition! This was due to illness, and not, as unkind people speculated, that she kept arguing with the producers who are sick of her whimsical comedy stylings. So there are only eight performers, unless there's to be a shock reprieve for that girl who did the Pink cover and then called everyone a c-word.
8:21 Dermot! No dance, but the spin is spectacular: three quarters of the way round with one leg out horizontally, then a sort of Northern Soul scissor dance to cover up that he nearly fell over. Probably the Dermot Spin of the series so far.
8:48 Matchsticks in eyes, everyone! Inject me with ProPlus, douse me with icewater and get ready with the electric paddles: it's KYE SONES!
8:50 Kye goes back home to surprise his brother, who is amazed to see him despite the camera crew already being there. Kye does some chimney sweeping, has a full English and tells his brother how much better his life is now he isn't a chimney sweep. His brother doesn't look too offended. Got a big job on next month with Kye's name on it.
8:51 Kye, in guyliner and a roadkill wig, does You Get What You Give by the New Radicals. Did this get to number one? I can't be bothered to Wiki it.
8:53 They've tried to edit this down but it's completely random, like you're listening to the CD but it's scratched and bits keep getting skipped over. They kept all the falsetto bits and possibly added some extra ones. Kye livened things up halfway by pointlessly wandering round behind the judges, then high-fiving them all in a dangerous display of charisma. I am NOT in a deep, potentially life-threatening coma, so that's good.
9:34 We're back, and it's time for JAHMENE DOUGLAS! Harrowing footage of him a few months ago, when he was not only working in Asda, but sporting a tragic moustache. And now Jahmene and Nicole are back in Asda! She's in the green and black fleece, wielding a stock-taking gun and getting on the in-store mic, but they leave before she can do a sexy RnB version of Come And Get Your Black Bin Bags. I hope they picked up some Asda value Cava before they went, though. Three quid a bottle. Indistinguishable from Veuve Clique. Trust me.
9:39 Jahmene, on a small plinth, does Listen by Beyonce. Increasingly I feel listening to him is like being hit in the face repeatedly with a bat, but what do I know? Louis says it's "the vocal performance of the night by a mile". Tulisa is speechless. Maybe they were impressed by the final note, which outlasted the backing track by five or six seconds. Everyone loves it! Gary and Nicole pile in as well. "You're lighting the torch for all the other people," says Nicole. What, in the world? Steady on. Not in that shirt, for a start.
9:43 Marks off for Nicole there, not working in "Asdamazing" into her comments. That lorry load of complimentary mini scotch eggs, frozen mince and Smart Price toilet cleaner does a U-ey and returns to the depot.
9:47 Next, singing for Liverpool, it's the quaking fondue CHRISTOPHER MALONEY! His mentor Gary openly acknowledges that he is giving Chris horrible songs to annoy everyone. Christopher meets No Doubt. "We really like you a lot," says Gwen Stefani. Her acting career never really got going, did it?
9:49 Chris does All By Myself by Eric Carmen. He's not angry, he's just disappointed.
Jude: He's got his coat on - must be ready to go.
9:53 Basically everyone except Gary thought that was varying degrees of horrible. Gaz says it will appeal to Christopher's public. A terrifying concept, but if things get hairy perhaps we can force them all onto the Isle of Man.
8:06 Tonight's theme is Best of British. Union J are rumoured to be performing Te Deum in G Major by Ralph Vaughan Williams, while James Arthur will do London by William Blake, in a mash-up with Level 42's Running in the Family.
8:09 Dermot arrives to do his mystery sporting mime. Lacrosse? Crazy golf? I really don't know. But the spin this week is textbook: a perfect 360 with wonderfully smooth deceleration into the cocked-leg dismount. Seriously, it's worth catching again on ITV Player.
8:13 First up, the trembling saltwater dispenser of love, CHRISTOPHER MALONEY. He pooh-poohs reports that he's voting for himself thousands of times to keep himself in, hinting that he cannot afford this. We've seen the way he dresses. Case closed.
8:29 Anyway enough yabbering, it's JAHMENE DOUGLAS! He's had a pep talk on the phone from Jennifer Hudson and he's doing a quiet, gospelly Angels by Robert Vaughan Williams.
8:30 He didn't seem wholly convinced about what a mobile phone was. Holding it like an alien doing silver service.
8:31 Decent effort from Jahmene there. The note that's caught out a million karaoke bluffers ("and through it aaaaaa-oh, bugger") was tackled well, although if I'm being very critical he did slide up to it in a way that Christopher Maloney never would. Another big note at the end though, which tried to run away but Jahmene hunted it down and ripped its throat out.
8:35 Good judge comments all round: Tulisa denies press reports that she doesn't think Jahmene can sell records - I hadn't seen those reports, but now I've heard them denied, I believe them a bit. Gary accurately says it was better for being simpler. Nicole is somewhere between tears and arousal.
8:36 Next up: Roger, Brian, Keith and Malcolm, better known as DISTRICT3!
8:37 After last week's over-choreographed performance, where it looked like they were failing to find each other at Gay Pride, the Stric are seated and harmonising for Eric Clapton's parental grief classic, Tears in Heaven. One of them's put on a leather jacket and is pretending to play a grand piano. A cutaway to Nicole throwing up in her mouth a bit. No, really. Check it online later.
8:42 That, for my money, was slightly offensive twaddle, but I owe Nicole an apology. Yes, another one, for something I did in public this time. She wasn't vomming, she was holding back emotion due to the song choice. A fascinating People's Front of Judea moment as District3 object to Gary saying Union J are the same but better: the Dis point out that, while Union J are merely pop, they are R 'n' B pop. Got that? Important distinction.
8:44 IT'S THE JOHN LEWIS ADVERT! Purge the soul. Make gloves your goal.
8:50 It's ELLA HENDERSON, who I think might slowly be losing it a bit. She's giving Written In The Stars by Tinie Tempah a good going over but, I dunno. I mean, she's a better singer than everyone else. It's just not getting me there. Not getting me THERE. You're worse than the studio audience. Tsk.
9:01 For Rylan, Best of British can mean only one band: Barrett-era Floyd. Not really: it means The Spice Girls. He has a masterclass with Geri Halliwell on how to maximise one's performance without relying on singing too much.
9:02 After a Queen-style video intro in which Rylan skydives, he wires down onto the stage to do a breathless Spice medley. This is way, way too fast. It's like there's something wrong with the backing tape. Someone's been murdered and has slumped forward onto the pitch bend.
9:13 We're back from the ads and it's Amberlocks, Braeburn, Posey and Forsythia, together known as UNION J!
9:15 OK, embarrassing confession time. I hadn't realised until Best of British week that Union J was short for Union Jack. This is The Beatles all over again. I think that may be the first time I've written that in relation to Union J.
9:16 In their intro VT, Union J go for that Military Wives dollar by referencing loved ones who are in the armed forces. Their tribute is a tremulous cover of Fix You by Coldplay. They're reminding me of four young Jonjo Kerrs.
9:41 I've recovered after the high emotion of that devastating One Direction ballad. Who wrote that? What pain must they have been through? I hope they're OK now. Perhaps pouring out their torment into that perfect work of art will be some consolation. Although I think it'll only be fully appreciated in 50 years. Maybe 100. I'll always remember where I was when I heard it.
8:04 Louis opens the show proper by introducing his remaining group: Josh, Alan, Skip and Boris, collectively referred to as UNION J! Exciting footage of them at Disneyland Paris, with some drama and peril as George gets the rollercoaster sweats and has to have a lie down, dressed as a dog. They've survived this and here they are in some very Wander Eshun 60s suits. They're doing Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen. I've not been much of a fan of Union J in recent weeks, but I have to be honest and say this is pretty awful.
8:09 Quite difficult to suck all the fun out of this song but Union J have remorselessly Dysoned the joy right out of it. That was as poppy and entertaining as a tax return.
8:17 Next, she was the hottest X Factor favourite ever, but now she's not even the favourite, hot or not: it's ELLA HENDERSON! She aced the gig at Disneyland: if she can cope with a crowd of 3,000 seven-year-olds absolutely banjaxed on Haribo, this should be easy.
8:29 James is doing Can't Take My Eyes Off Of Of Off Of You. It's sort of how Extreme might have done it during a late-night studio jam to celebrate getting More Than Words in the can.
8:42 So yes, it's RYLAN CLARK! His guilty pleasure is, er, Girls on Film by Duran Duran. No, wait! He's mashed it all up in your grill innit though bruv with When Will I Be Famous by Bros! A bit of the dance routine was on a treadmill. It was supposed to be OK Go but was more "Michael Jackson on A Bit of Fry and Laurie". Vocals not too bad though. I think Rylan might have a fighting chance here.