So Charlie Sheen says that he’s planning on packing up his bottles of tiger blood, putting his violent torpedo of truth into mothballs and quitting Hollywood.
Yes, despite his new sitcom Anger Management opening to generally positive reviews, the hard-partying screen star says that he’s had enough of acting and wants to move on with his life.
Speaking at an FX channel event in the States, Sheen said: "Thirty years in, I mean come on. There's this whole ton of stuff to do that involves my children and the rest of my life that's not about, like, worshipping fiction.”
And while it’ll be sad to see Hollywood’s wild-child ride off into the sunset for a comfortable pipe-and-slippers-style dotage, the man’s learnt so many transferrable skills during his rough-and-tumble life that he’s bound to find success in some other field. Like…
No, seriously, if Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura can both make the leap, why not our Charlie? He’s far more charismatic and infinitely wittier than most people who end up running for office, and everyone likes a lovable rogue. Also, to put the lid on it, he’s currently acting the role of President of the United States in Machete Kills. If Silvio Berlusconi can make it to the highest office in his native land, there’s no reason Charlie shouldn’t too. Sheen for president? Could happen.
As a man who famously made a cool million greenbacks in one year in exchange for sending a few measly marketing tweets, Charlie knows his onions when it comes to advertising. Indeed, he’s already the face of a brand of electronic cigarette, and one wonders if it’ll be all that long before he gets into cahoots with other enterprising ad men for more projects. I mean, he knows his liquor better than most, for a start. Charlie Sheen’s Old Kentucky Bourbon, anyone? Modern-day Don Drapers: your saviour’s soon going to have lots of time on his hands.
Open a rehab centre
As a man who’s been through more treatment programmes than you could shake a volume of Freud at, Charlie’s doubtless absorbed all the tricks of the trade during his 46 years on the planet. And with his extensive experience, he’d be far more perceptive of his clients’ issues than an entire legion of egg-headed bookworms. If nothing else, a ‘just say no’ campaign featuring Mr. S would sell posters to disaffected teenagers for decades to come…
No, you wouldn’t have wanted to leave kids in his care when he was living it up with the goddesses and revelling in hedonism, but now he’s calmed down Charlie might make an excellent entertainer for youngsters. After all, he worked with wee nipper Angus T. Jones on Two and a Half Men for the best part of a decade, and the pair got on like a condo on fire. Plus, he’s done no end of funny voices and slapstick during his career, and he’s generally as hyperactive as a toddler after four bags of Haribo. Why, if only he had curlier hair, Charlie could re-brand himself as a modern-day Willy Wonka.
David Icke used to be a BBC sports reporter before making a successful latter-day career for himself peddling gigantic tomes of conspiracies to the public, and Charlie’s well placed to do the same. Having emerged as a prominent spokesman of the "9/11 Truth movement" after claiming the US government was responsible for the attacks, Charlie’s got enough clout and notoriety to ensure a healthy income from the Mind, Body & Spirit sections of bookshops around the world until he toddles off to that giant showbiz party in the sky.
What would you like to see Charlie Sheen get up to next? Post a comment and let us know…