Blackadder: the best quotes

As Gold treats us to a weekend of historical hilarity, we recall some of Blackadder's finest lines

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Blackadder: the best quotes
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This weekend, Gold is rerunning all four series of Blackadder (from 8am today/8:10am tomorrow). So fix yourself a snack of rat au van, put your feet up on a nearby servant and prepare to join in with the closing songs on episodes of Blackadder II. But first, relive some of the funniest insults and exchanges with six of the best quotes from each series...

Series one: The Black Adder

Percy: It will be a great day tomorrow for we nobles.
Edmund: Well, not if we lose, Percy. If we lose, I'll be chopped to pieces. My arms will end up at Essex, my torso in Norfolk, and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland.

The King: If you cross me, now or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites.

Harry: A tragic accident…tragic.
Edmund: Ah, yes. Almost as tragic as Archbishop Bertram being struck by a falling gargoyle while swimming off Beachy Head.
Harry: And nearly as tragic as poor old Archbishop Wilfred slipping and falling backwards onto the spire of Norwich Cathedral. Oh, Lord, you do work in mysterious ways.

King: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the king of France in sympathy for the death of his son.
Chiswick: The one you had murdered, my lord?
King: Yes, that's the fellow.

Percy: Only this morning in the courtyard, I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies!
Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other?
Percy: Yes, I suppose it could have been.

Edmund: You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be.

Series two: Blackadder II

Hag: Two things, my lord, must ye know of the wise woman. First, she is a woman. And second, she is...
Edmund: Wise?
Hag: You do know her, then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark, which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful.

Edmund: We live in an age where illness and deformity are commonplace and yet, Ploppy, you are without a doubt the most repulsive individual that I have ever met. I would shake your hand but I fear it would come off.

Edmund: Oh, God, I didn’t know you had a girl.
Percy: Oh, yes. Lady Caroline Fairfax.
Edmund: Caroline! I didn’t know you knew her.
Percy: Oh, yes! I even touched her once.
Edmund: Touched her what?
Percy: Uh, once. In the corridor.
Edmund: I've never heard it called that before.

Edmund: The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Perce?

Edmund: Baldrick, go forth into the streets and let it be known that Lord Blackadder wishes to sell his house. Percy, just go forth into the street.

Bishop of Bath and Wells: You fiend! Never have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church?

Series three: Blackadder the Third

Edmund: If you want something done properly, kill Baldrick before you start.

Prince George: Why on earth would an anarchist possibly want to kill you?
Edmund: I think it might’ve been you he was after, sir.
Prince George: Oh, hogwash! What on earth makes you say that?
Edmund: Well, my suspicions were first aroused by his use of the words, 'Death to the stupid Prince'!

Edmund: Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Edmund: They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork in your head.

Edmund: The girl is wetter than a haddock's bathing costume.

Edmund: He's mad. He's mad! He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.

Series four: Blackadder Goes Forth

George: I'm thick, you see. I'm as thick as the big-print version of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens.

Bob: I want to see how a war is fought… so badly.
Edmund: Well, you've come to the right place, Bob. A war hasn’t been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidentally ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

Edmund: We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

General Melchett: If nothing else works, then a total pig-headed unwillingness to look facts in the face will see us through.

Edmund: Well, George, I strongly suspect that your long wait for certain death is nearly at an end. Surely you must have noticed something in the air...?
George: Well, yes, of course, but I thought that was Private Baldrick.

Edmund: We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which time millions of men have died, and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping. 

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Don’t see your favourite Blackadder quote here? Then share it with us in the comments below!