Skyfall may sound like the name of the latest Alton Towers ride but, however cheap the title, you still expect certain things from a new James Bond movie. It should have ridiculous stunts, suave one-liners, dangerous women and last, but by no means least, exotic locations.
What a disappointment then that, according to rumours, budgetary cuts mean plans to film in India, China and Bali have been scrapped and much of Bond 23 will be set in… Bognor Regis.
But wait. Who says the English Riviera doesn’t have what it takes to host 007? And what about all those other overlooked locations around this United Kingdom? Bond is, after all, first and foremost about keeping the British end up. So let’s not assume this won’t work. Let’s consider how other 007 outings might have fared if they’d stayed at home…
From Wishaw with Love
In the big-budget original, Sean Connery smuggles a top-secret communist decoding machine, plus blonde Russian diplomat Daniela Bianchi, from Turkey to the West via the Orient Express. In our economy class version, they travel from Wishaw train station in Lanarkshire to Glasgow. There’s no dining car but there is a trolley selling snacks, hot drinks and warm cans of McEwan’s lager.
Never Say Leven Again
Having failed a routine training exercise, an ageing Bond (Sean Connery) is sent to a London health spa, where he uncovers a Spectre conspiracy and memorably uses a urine sample to subdue an adversary. Had this instead been filmed in Leven, Fife, Jax Health Club on Wellesley Road would no doubt have been a worthy location.
The Spy Who Loved Welwyn Garden City
Roger Moore’s Bond battles megalomaniac Karl Stromberg, whose underwater lair, Atlantis, is located in the boating lake at Stanbourough Park, just off the M1. After destroying Atlantis, Bond and Agent Triple X escape in a four-man pedalo to enjoy a bit of nooky (out of sight of the children’s paddling pool).
A View to Rhyl
You Only Live in Blyth
Liverpool and Let Die
Quantum of Solent
Southwold Is not Enough
Any more ideas for homegrown Bonds? Do post a comment…