Scary Movie V

Not scary, and barely even a movie, this slung-together barrage of genre send-ups hits rock bottom the moment Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan open the sorry show trashing their tabloid reputations in an embarrassing Paranormal Activity spoof. From then on the modern ghost story Mama takes the most "story" heat with increasingly idiotic sidesteps into Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Black Swan, Sinister, Evil Dead, Inception and even The Help. Director Malcolm Lee and writers David Zucker and Pat Proft (whose credits include The Naked Gun) seem clueless as to what's funny, so throw in everything from tasteless bulimia and pregnancy gags to a surreal Fifty Shades of Grey skit and a party sequence involving a robot pool cleaner. Heather Locklear, Mike Tyson and Jerry O'Connell are among the cameoing stars who probably rue the day they got in on the bad act. Only "joke" worth repeating: "Help, there's a mad demon in my house". "Matt Damon is in your house?" That really is as good as it gets.