Island of the Misfit Songs

By Rhodri Marsden
Fri 10 August 2007, 3:05pm

Let's take a moment to give thanks. Let's have a quick whoop, whistle and high-five at the way new technology enables us to communicate, create, and experience new audio visual sensations. OK, are you done? Right, now let's take another few moments to curse the fact that the means of production may just have slipped into the wrong hands...

Consider, if you will, Tay Zonday. This song, "Chocolate Rain", has only been up on the internet for a few weeks but well over four million people have sat and observed this video in wide-eyed disbelief. For 4 minutes, 52 seconds you can watch Mr Zonday tell you all about "Chocolate Rain" in his eerie baritone, and I promise you that by the end of it you'll be no wiser about what on earth Chocolate Rain is, what function it might perform, or indeed when it might be heading your way.

Meanwhile, Reh Dogg has all of Zonday's mass-market potential, while serving up side orders of terror, unease and wild atonality. "Why Must I Cry?" he wails, while the rest of us wonder "Why Must You Sing?"

Others in desperate need of vocal coaching include "Mr Personality" Alan Gillett, whose take on Elvis's "All Shook Up" accompanied by strange, marionette-like bobbing will have you feeling disorientated and upset, while if anyone can work out the raison d'être behind Luke Fictitious and his offering, Mountains, will win a prize of some urgent post-traumatic stress counselling.

These artistes might not float your boat musically, but you have to applaud their unerring belief in their own ability. But occasionally, someone who is already noted for their talent suddenly embarks on a project so preposterous that we start to wonder whether we should have ever taken them to our hearts in the first place.

In this category, alongside Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music" and Paul McCartney's "Liverpool Oratorio" sits "Trapped in the Closet" by R Kelly. This truly astonishing combination of R&B, soap opera and contrived rhymes will have you glued to the computer all afternoon, working your way through the tale. This is a useful summary of the action up to Chapter 13. [Note: contains strong language.]

Sometimes, extraordinary musical moments come from the world of advertising, not least Sammy Stephens's rather affecting rap advertising Montgomery Flea Market. It's just like a mini-mall. No, really. You heard me. Come shop.

Then, from the days of pre-irony, we have the oft-cited contenders for worst music videos ever made: Tommy Seebach's Apache, and Armi & Danny's I Wanna Love You Tender. And, for sheer head-scratching value, why not try this odd German cover version of Black Sabbath's "Paranoid", with the lyrics changed to address issues pertaining to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

It's all becoming a bit too much, isn't it? So let's round off with a few top treats, some music videos with inherent value, be it artistic (Field Music's wonderful "In Context"), superb editing plus Muppets (Escort's "All Through the Night") or brazen British stupidity (the New Royal Family's "Anyone Fancy a Chocolate Digestive?").