"OH, MY GAWWWD!" HONKS JAYNE, WHO LIKES TO EASE EVERYONE FROM THEIR SLUMBER BY YELLING LIKE A KLAXON HORN.

Girlfriend

Day 54. With thumping heads and vaguely grubby consciences, the Big Brother house wakes up for another day. "Oh, mah gaaawd! Oh, mah gaaawwwwd!" honks Jayne, who likes to ease everyone from their slumber by yelling at everything passing her higher frontal lobe in the manner of a klaxon horn. "Ash, you were copping off with Nikki last night! Snogging her! You'll be on the front of every newspaper!" "Oh, no!" says Ash, wincing unconvincingly.

I don't buy Ash's shame at all. Nikki doesn't even bother to feign any. To most sane people, being splashed all over the newspapers acting like a bit of a skank would be the nadir of humiliation, but for girls like Nikki and Ash, it's all in a day's work. The £50 bottles of leave-in conditioner, the £1,000 frocks that need gluing on with toupee tape, the £5,000 breast implants; all these trinkets have to come from somewhere, and there's good cash to be earned from being a lesbian.

Obviously, not a real lesbian like Ellen DeGeneres or Alex Parks - a "lads' mag lesbian". None of that militant muttering, golfing holidays and enjoying kd lang B-sides for these girls; no, this lifestyle choice involves wearing feather boas and body glitter, eating bananas together in a bubble bath, pillow fights and, most importantly, getting the pics taken as quickly as possible so they can get home to their blokes. Poor Nikki, she must wear herself out roaming the West End VIP rooms looking for agency paparazzi who can catch her and her strumpet friends in fake-Sapphic snogs.

I was emailed another set of gynaecological snaps of Nikki and her friends "partying" the other day. Wow, she certainly takes the phrase "letting it all hang out" to bleak, unchartered territory. Sadly, all their lesbian snogging would be much more titillating if they didn't pull the same "let's get this hellish act over with" expression that I pull when I'm changing the cat litter.

"I don't remember what happened last night really," Nikki says to Ash. "Yeah, I do," says Ash, "We said, 'Let's do somefink to shock everyone!' So we did!" I know I was shocked. Were you?

Shpoiral is still hopping mad about Aisleyne's rejection. He wigs on about it endlessly; clearly angry about being knocked back "on national TV" and losing his reputation in Ireland as Dublin's version of Shabba Ranks. "Yov med me look like a desperado!" he moans, "You rejected me - twice!"

"I can't just kiss people I don't know!" bleats Ash, who seems to have forgotten last Thursday when she cried and cried in the diary room about choosing between Spiral and Jonathan: "I have bonded so closely with these boys! They are both the best, best, best people in the world and I love them both!" What a difference five days makes. Now Spiral is a stranger to Ash, and Nikki is her best mate.

Jayne reminds me of Pootle from The Flumps: she doesn't wear many clothes, and regulates her body temperature by removing or putting on a woolly cap

Jayne is getting dressed in the bedroom. She reminds me of Pootle from The Flumps: she doesn't wear many clothes, and regulates her body temperature by removing or putting on a woolly cap. "I reckon I'm in trouble with Big Brother!" Jayne says, "I've been saying stuff I shouldn't." "Well, what I recommend to you, Jayne," says Richard, "is that you read the rule book. Take it and read it from cover to cover! That's what I did!"

Dickie flaps on in the manner of Cuthbert Cringeworthy for a number of hours. Jayne looks worried. She gets the rule book and notices that one of the main rules, to paraphrase, says: "Try not to open your big cavenous trap and spoil the entire game show by telling housemates about how people see them in the outside world. This means you, Jayne 'Reuters' Kitt."

The housemates are gathered together for nominations. "Jayne, come to the diary room," shouts Big Brother. Jayne makes the long walk of shame. "Stop! Stoppppp! Oh, my god, I didn't make my announcement!" squeals Nikki. We never find out what Nikki's announcement is, although my money is on something profound like, "I need a poo!"

"Jayne, you have spoken about the outside world on numerous occasions!" barks Big Brother. As a punishment, everyone is up for nomination except you. "Hang on," says Mikey about an hour later when the penny drops, "Dat's not a punishment for Jayne! Dat's a bonus!" Too flipping right it is.

All Jayne's punishment seems like to me is a chance for Endemol to get rid of some of the "nice but dulls" like Jennie, Susie or Imogen. Or the "nice but slightly psychotic if pushed" like Michael or Spiral.

Obviously, Mikey will be gutted if his "lickkle bed buddy" Imogen goes. "You're dead nice to cuddle! Will we be friends when we get out?" asks Mikey. "Course we will, babes!" says Imogen. Mikey hasn't clicked yet that he's the equivalent of the resort holiday rep: all the girls fancy him a little bit and wouldn't mind a summer fling, but we know he'll have forgotten all about us and be rattling some other sangria-sodden sunstroke victim half an hour after our suitcase leaves the complex.

Now Ash and Nikki are best friends and lesbian life partners (no, honestly), they both appear to be reduced to the same idiotic level. "And she always sits with Pete! And she paints his toenails! And she doesn't talk to me! And she gives me attitude!" they both squawk, getting stuck into little cheery Jennie, who hasn't done much, aside from lie low and stay away from the miserable duo during their exhausting five days of bickering and crying.

Ash has been depressed and upset for days; which I believe, but I don't buy that she doesn't know how she's been acting towards Jennie. Ash knows full well the figure she cuts in the house. The fact that sunny, innocent, bright-eyed Jennie is Pete's new "friend" hasn't gone unnoticed. "I've been getting weird vibes," says Jennie, meaning the numerous occasions Ash has shot her one of her terrifying 100-yard Gorgon Medusa death glares.

"Come and give me a hug!" laughs Ash, pulling Jennie into her arms, "Hey! You're my little sister!" She means well, but deep down we all know this is firmly Ash's yard. Jennie knows that she should keep her distance from Pete. Cos you get all up in Ash's face like a rude girl…babes, you better know yer self. You're going down. Ya get me?

Has Jayne been punished? Mail me on grace.dent@bbc.co.uk.