NIKKI IS STILL WOUNDED BY THAT AWFUL INCIDENT EIGHT DAYS AGO WHEN ASH CALLED HER - GASP - "BORING".

Life after Lea

"Let me out!" quacks Lea Walker in all her earthy Anglo-Saxon majesty, hammering on the BB7 house door. A lot of people will be glad to see the back of lovely Lea; none more so than the Channel 4 censors, who've blocked out 90% of her effluent-spouting gob since she juddered down the stair 52 days ago shouting "Miserable f*****s!"

For Lea, this was quite tame. During the E4 live feed, all E4 could broadcast was bird noise. For the first week I stared transfixed at the amazing clucking, cooing, tweeting lady wondering whether pre-surgery she was actually a giant starling. In fact, the only people in Britain who truly enjoyed the full force of Lea were talented lip-readers from the Royal Association for Deaf People, but sadly even they stopped watching following a particularly eye-watering outburst involving a prize marrow and a long wait at A+E.

"I'll miss Lea so much!" sobs Pete in the diary room, "She was, like, maternal, y' know?" Yes, Pete, we know, we've seen Norman Bates in Psycho, his mummy loved him in a special way, too. "And she gave me some dead good advice before she went!" grins Pete, who then struggles to remember Lea's great universal truth.

Knowing Lea it was something like: "Don't f***in' trust anyone!" or "Always get at least 'alf yer cash up front before getting your kit off on a shoot. Don't wear nowt that's not wipeable! Remember, son, Mummy loooves yer!"

I won't dwell too much on how filthy the BB7 bathroom seems to be, although the lyrics from Thriller spring to mind: "The foulest stench is in the air/The funk of 40,000 years!"

"They don't need me in here now!" moans Lea just before she goes, gesticulating over at equally vulgar Jayne, who is itching her groin district and talking loudly to Nikki, employing the same day-to-day ear-splitting volume level as TV's Barry Scott of Cillit Bang fame. "Ha! Ha! Ha!" laughs Jayne to Nikki, "I'll tell you somefink for noffink, you're a diamond, you are! I'll be looking out for you!"

Obviously, Jayne and Nikki's poisonous alliance is built entirely on sand. Nikki likes Jayne as she's fresh blood who still indulges her pointless tantrums about being cold, hot, hungry and thirsty. Also, Jayne is from Slough. "And I know where Slough is!" says Nikki with a simpleton's grin. In return, Jayne likes Nikki mainly as they both hate Ash. Jayne really hates Ash. "She's a f***ing s**g," Jayne says, looking like a cane toad in cut-off denims.

Nikki is finding Ash's return deeply upsetting. She is still so wounded by that awful incident eight days ago when Ash called Nikki - gasp - "boring". "I can't be in here! I can't!" Nikki screams to Big Brother, "I want to leave. I'm leaving!" Nikki scampers off into the house to threaten everyone with her departure.

Quickly, everyone is on Nikki-alert, trying to dissuade her, instead of doing what my parents used to do when I was 13 and threatened to leave home once a week, which was smirk loudly then openly fantasise about having room for a snooker table. "Don't go, Nikki! Please don't go!" plead Richard and Jayne, "We'll protect you from Ash!"

Ash is still quite depressed, but handling it in the way women often do - via manic housework. I won't dwell too much on how filthy the BB7 bathroom seems to be, although Vincent Price's lines from Thriller by Michael Jackson spring to mind: "The foulest stench is in the air/The funk of 40,000 years!"

Finally, repelled by the 52-day build-up of phlegm, feg and pubic hair in the sink, Ash converts her upset to elbow grease, scrubbing away with a Lady Macbethian intensity. It'll never banish the guilt of what she thinks she did to Jonathan. That done, Ash braves the swampy, primordial stew that carpets the basin of the shower, helped only by partner in grime, Imogen.

Everyone else ignores the germs. Nikki doesn't do housework. In fact, Ash's housework makes Nikki angrier than ever: "And then she told me not to go into the shower as she was cleaning it!" fumes Nikki to Jayne. "I know," splutters Jayne, as Ash scrubs their skidmarks off the toilet basin and stops an outbreak of E coli, "Who the f*** does she think she is?"

Ash's other problem is Spiral, who is rather smitten with her. "I know she's a bit down an' that," Spiral says, wiping his sweaty palms on his tracksuit bottoms, "But I want to give her a boost!"

Optimistic Spiral is still certain that six weeks in the BB7 house is going to be one long "par-tay". "I like to party!" he tells Big Brother, "Where there's a party! That's what I'm all about!" Why the stupid boy didn't get an easyJet flight to Ibiza and spend summer giving out flyers, dancing on bars and copping off with pretty, E-addled teenage girls wearing thong bikinis is anyone's guess.

Instead he's incarcerated in a house with bikini-clad Jayne, who looks more like Fred Dibnah, watching her dance to Pete hitting a grill with a hairbrush for 15 hours at a time.

Only 50 more days of party-hearty madness left to go, Spiral! It'll be nomination day again soon, that's when the women really let their hair down and cry until their faces are red raw. Reach for the lasers, mate, rave on.

Would you have finally broken and scrubbed the Big Brother bathroom? Mail me on grace.dent@bbc.co.uk.