LET IT BE SAID THAT PUTTING JENNIE IN NIKKI'S SQUALID BED IS NO GREAT TREAT.

Fun house

Day 49. Mikey and Imogen have finally snapped and decided to murder Jayne. "Get off me! Aaaaaagh! Get offfff!" Jayne howls as the pair smother her with a duvet. I knew Imogen had a hidden use. "Gerrrrrrrof me!" splutters Jayne, in her final dying throes.

"I hate you all! Hate you!" Jayne screams. But then she laughs. Damn it. They were just playing "pile on", like grown adults always do. Quickly, Jayne's upright again, wandering around burping, doing a nigh-on perfect impression of Chet from Weird Science when Kelly LeBrock turns him into the Turd Monster. "Buuuuuuuuuuuurp!" goes Jayne, then beams proudly at Glyn. Glyn, sensing a call-and-response game, cocks his leg and farts, wandering away leaving clouds of acrid black pudding bum-gifts in his wake.

Next door, Ash sits silently in the lounge with her head in her hands, muttering and fidgeting. I'm not a doctor, but I'd say she's exhausted and quite depressed. Today, Big Brother is forcing Ash to evict two more "secret housemates".

Ash thinks they're probably going into the real house next door, but she's not sure. Having been trapped in a tiny house with no TV, books, music and limited sunlight, Ash has thought about her problem continually since last Friday night.

She sits up late into the night smoking and staring at the walls. Usually a moderate Christian, Ash now prays into her microphone in the toilet as if the Endemol staff are her makeshift god. Still, it makes good TV though. I'm sure everyone in charge knows what they're doing. Ash evicts Michael and Jennie, then rues her decision and cries some more.

Next door, Lea has been told she's up for eviction. Lea takes the news rather well. In contrast, Dickie's jaw hits the floor when he hears he that may go, too. The pair vow to be strong and try and have fun until Friday. "Who knows, you might get a surprise!" hoots Dickie, who clearly thinks he's staying if his rival for the public's affection is Oscar the Grouch in crotchless knickers.

"Oh, you're gay and from London! I must know you!" gushes Richard as the first traces of green rush around Michael's face and his shirt looks smaller

The "real" housemates are told to get ready for a surprise. They seem to know it's new people, which they celebrate by dressing up. Nikki gets into a black basque and stockings ensemble with eye kohl and looks like Frankenfurter. Lea's boobs are hoisted into a corset, becoming one gigantic, terrifying brown wobbly udder; the saline ripples as she moves. "Why does everyone f***in 'look at me boobs?" she quacks.

The housemates stand around in their party togs and daft make-up, looking like the Scissor Sisters planning a traditional Maori greeting. "It's new people! New people!" screams Richard. Jennie and Michael wave, smile and get hugged.

I'm happy for Jennie. So far, it seems that she's a bright, cheery girl with a level head. Aged 18, I'd not have kept my temper with Spiral like Jennie did last Sunday when he announced he knew pretty much everything about life there was to know and that she was only really a kid. The fact Spiral had his hand down the front of his white trackpants blatantly itching himself right through his speech slightly stole from his authority. "Fair enough," said Jennie eventually, humouring him.

Michael, I'm not sure about. You need to walk on eggshells with him. "Oh, you're gay and from London! I must know you!" gushes Richard as the first traces of green rush around Michael's face and his shirt looks smaller. "Noooooooooo, Dickie!" shouts Britain, "Don't mention Michael being gay! Don't make Michael angry. You won't like him when he's angry!"

Nikki has a dilemma. Well, it's only a dilemma if you're a sociopath like Nikki. "I have three beds! And there are new people who need beds!" she tells Mikey, "What do I do?" "Well, you give them one of your beds, don't you?" Mikey tells her. Nikki isn't happy. She's in the diary room, going through the motions of a hissyfit. Not a proper heartfelt one though. She's just drunk. "But it's Nikki's bed. Nikki's bed. Jennie is in Nikki's bed! It's Nikki's bed," she repeats, doing her weird animatronic right-arm sweep motion.

Let it be said that putting Jennie in Nikki's squalid bed is no great treat. Nikki, despite her "little quirk" of appearing disgusted by smells, food, BO and dirty work surfaces, is ironically actually rather filthy herself. Her bedsheets are unwashed and Richard and Lea often complain that her bedside table is strewn with food crumbs, plates, old knickers and decaying fruit. Jennie could probably find Nikki's bed by just following the trail of ants.

Nikki reminds me a lot of those nightmare 15-year-old girls we see at the start of Channel 4's Brat Camp, swanning about St Albans's town centre on a Saturday night swilling back alcopops, dressed to the nines in Versace frocks. Whenever you see the harrassed mother's secret video diary, the daughter's bedroom is always an utter squalid war zone. There's always a point where the mother wades through the piles of knickers, plates and mobile phone bills, picks up a glass of what appears to be discarded urine and sobs, "She has actually done a wee in this glass! A wee!"

Brilliantly, on Brat Camp, they take the little madam and dump her in the outback Utah wilderness. Fourteen weeks of being chased by wolves and digging their own latrine tends to teach them what life's like as a non-deity. Too late for Nikki now, sadly. "But I need three beds! It's Nikki's bed!" Nikki says again and again, "For all of my stuff."

Ash is made to choose between Jonathan and Spiral. She begs and begs not to have to do this. It feels like the final straw. The housemates next door see Ash on the screen. Their response is rather muted. They seem to be more shocked at what a state she's got herself into. "She looks weird!" they mutter.

Ash chooses Spiral to stay and Jonathan to go. Then Ash really begins to sob and her howls become more and more hysterical. In no fit state, she's pushed back into the real house to meet all the people who evicted her and all the people she evicted. There isn't a big fight like the producers of the special live show probably wanted. Everyone gathers round, trying to pacify her.

"Why are you doing this?" asks Spiral, in the diary room, just before he moves house. This is meant to be the happiest moment of his life, but now he's not so sure. "You're sending this girl's head all over the shop. I don't think this is called for."

Neither do I, Spiral. I just wish I could stop myself watching.

OK, we're almost halfway through BB7, how's your mental state? Mail me on grace.dent@bbc.co.uk.