Hey, that's just me

Looking like Marilyn Monroe after a heavy night on the tiles, Aisleyne drags her fingers through her dishevelled hair, emitting a low and hopeless moan. "She doesn't stop," Ash says, "All night long. She doesn't stop!" Jonathan nods sympathetically.

In the secret house's kitchen, a 36-year-old woman clad in an England "wifebeater" vest and bikini bottoms is sharing loud intimacies about her incontinency issues. "I just laugh…and I actually wee myself! All down me legs! Splosh! Hah, hah, hah, hah!" shouts Jayne, pausing to belch so loudly she restyles Michael's hair.

Jayne loves to belch. She has two belch styles: "long and showy"; the sort of belch that suggests she could burp the alphabet at parties, and secondly, the "short and involuntarily". Midway through conversations, Jayne will open her mouth and make a noise like a Mississippi bullfrog, without skipping a beat in her tale about drenched gussets. "I broke my bed!" beams Jayne, "I was bouncing on it and it broke! Can you believe that?" Yes, I can.

Despite the secret housemates' vows to be lifelong buddies who'll never back-stab or bicker, things are going sadly awry. "Twenty-four-hour-party Spiral" is sweetness personified, until someone asks him to stop using fruit as a football: "Don't be getting on my back! I'll do what I want to do! Don't tell me what to do! No-one tells me what to do!" he snarls, going from Mr Happy to pub yob in 0.46 seconds. Ah, wonderful: another depressing member of society who retains the right to be a thoughtless tit at all times, "Cos, hey, that's just me!"

"I can't talk to you when you're being so aggressive," says Michael, visibly ruffled. This pays Michael back for yesterday when he had a "Hulk is angry! Hulky smaaaa-sh!" moment over a question on being gay. "Why do I have to answer this?! Why?" he fumes, little angry fists curled up, shark teeth flashing. The amusing thing about people like Spiral and Michael is their total self-delusion that they're chilled out, spiritual types, born to lead due to their messianic qualities. "Put me next door!" pleads Michael to Big Brother, "No-one is on my level here!"

I like it best when Aisleyne clutches the antique phone to her face and sobs into the mirror like Bette Davis being jilted by Humphrey Bogart

Next door, Lea is being paranoid about Pete, while gluing clumps of tatty extensions to her scalp with a primitive soldering iron. "I'm so glad that Ash is gone! Pete is much better now," Lea mutters, affixing gnarled strands that probably belonged to some poor, broke Albanian streetwalker less than six months ago. "But why is Richard making Pete wear make-up?!" Lea drones, "Pgh…and do you remember how that Lisa used to be with him? She used to hug Pete really tight and freak him out!" "All Lea talks about is Pete!" bitches Nikki to Imogen, "God, if you go and I'm stuck with her, imagine that?! I'll go mad."

The secret housemates are called together. Ash is forced to nominate someone to leave. "Oh, my god, this is so difficult! So, so, so, so, difficult!" says Ash, giving a Bafta-worthy performance. I like it best when she clutches the antique phone to her face and sobs into the mirror like Bette Davis being jilted by Humphrey Bogart.

"I can't do this!" Ash howls, wondering how long it's applicable to keep up the tears before she turfs out burpy wee-your-pants, break-the-bed, dresses-like-Jimmy-Five-Bellies woman. Eventually, Jayne is told to pack her bags. "That's pathetic!" Jayne fumes, "All I did was keep everyone up all night! So f***ing what! Hey, that's just me!"

The BB7 "secret house" twist must surely go down as one of the biggest reality TV botches to date. Hundreds of thousands of quid must have been spent building a secret house, hiding five secret contestants to create this legendary twist. But within 24 hours, the original house knows without doubt there are secret housemates as they can hear them through the diary room and shower. Why build only one diary room?

So Ash evicts Jayne, who has a huge, uncontrollable gob on her. Not only can Ash now hear Jayne thudding and shouting next door, thus knowing she's not been "evicted", Jayne is in the new house gobbing off to the housemates about the outside world and asking loud questions about Ash, which suggest she's just been with her in the secret house half an hour ago.

"She hasn't mentioned Sezer yet!" Lea remarks, "Not a word!" She shouldn't have mentioned anyone! She shouldn't mention that she's watched a single episode! She shouldn't know who Sezer or Ash is! That's the point of the Big Brother house. The sooner Big Brother regains control by slinging someone out unceremoniously for rule breaking (hint: Jayne), the better. This would involve them working out what the rules currently are, because I know I'm confused.

"I like her! I like her! She's a real person! I like her!" burbles Nikki about Jayne in the diary room. "I just saw her and I thought, 'I like you!' Not like when you sent that Aisleyne in! I looked at her and thought 'Eugh!' I like Jayne, though!" Subtitle: "Thank you for sending in a size-18 brunette dressed like Biffa Bacon who is no threat to my princess status whatsoever."

Let's see Nikki's face when little, pretty, youthful Jennie arrives with her fresh skin and lovable nature. I bet she won't get such a warm, unguarded welcome from her and Imogen. Sorry if I sound like a cynical old crone…but y'know, hey, that's just me.

Are you "keeping it real"? Are you not changing your anti-social behaviour for anybody? Mail me on grace.dent@bbc.co.uk.