The hopefuls

Pete stares into the mirror, titivating his new mohican. He moves his face to the left, then to the right to ensure his cheekbones still look sharp. On a nearby bed, Ash sits gibbering about today's nominations. Ash has rejected all notions of sartorial splendour this week in favour of hitting the bottle, Sue Ellen-style. She sits with a doomed expression, clad in a baseball cap and shiny jacket, resembling a bowling-alley attendant with bipolar syndrome.

"I can't do it," Ash says, "What happens if I don't do it?" Pete doesn't know. "What 'appens if I don't do it?!" Ash shouts to Richard. "Um, they might remove you?" says Richard, "Or something." "Where's the rule book?" says Ash. "It could be outside in the car park," screams everyone in Britain, "Being burned by Endemol management."

Nobody really has any reasons to nominate this week, although Ash has helped everyone by being an extended four-day version of that woman who is always weeping on the stairs at parties. Ash has been driven quite loopy by the notion of being booed. She believes that the crowd of Magaluf hen-party harpies who've stood outside every Friday for weeks jeering her name through every link are representative of all of Britain.

They're certainly representative of a certain section of Britain. I wish I could tell Ash that for every text-speak email I decipher saying: "How cannn u like trassshleen!!!!! She is a fake! Get da getto ho owt! U is a fakar too!", I receive ten more intelligently written emails from people saying: "I know this is an unpopular view, but I quite like Ash."

The tone of these emails is always quite apologetic. It's as if the writer assumes that just to mutter that they quite like Ash means they'll be shouted down in a bombardment of Vicky Pollardness.

The fact is that lots of people do like Ash. Quite a few people have been interested in her story and concerned about the lynch-mob behaviour displayed on Big Brother's Big Mouth. I hope Ash works this out eventually, when she's kicked out at about 9pm next Friday and hissed and booed by a bunch of slavering oddities, cross-eyed with hatred and waving banners.

Ash is making a real meal of nominations. After a good half hour she goes for Richard for "moaning about the washing-up" and "making it clear that he doesn't like people". Ash is asked to expand: "Well, I know sarcasm is the greatest form of wit, but, y'know, do it face to face," she says.

I was quite proud of Ash for knowing that sarcasm isn't the lowest form of wit, but dismayed by her "Y'know, do it face to face" bit, which is a Jeremy Kyle/Trisha show standard. For some bizarre reason, many people believe that insulting people to their face, rather than mumbling privately, is an ancient, noble art.

"Look, I never said nowt about you!" people always yell on the show, "If I 'ad owt to say about you, I'd 'ave the nerve to say it to your face!"

I'm not sure how this mantra gathered weight. Are you really the bigger person for saying everything all the time to everyone's face? "How was work today, darling?!" "Well dear, lots of people annoyed me, but let's not gossip about it here, I'll make a list and we can drive around to everyone's house and shout it through their letter boxes. Then everyone will respect us more!"

Ash also nominates Glyn for crimes against washing-up.

If we could just turn off all the cameras in the secret house and leave them there, play-acting their hearts out, I'd find that truly entertaining

Glyn nominates Richard for slagging off his mate, Grace. "He goes around singing 'ding dong, the witch is dead!'" Glyn moans. "And he is still calling me Glen! And I have pointed out for ten weeks that I am called Glyn!"

I went through a stage of thinking the Glen/Glyn thing was Richard's accent, but now I realise I was being deeply naive and it's another of Richard's passive-aggressive, pouring-lemon-juice-in-the-paper-cut manoeuvres. It's a bit like Trigger calling Rodney Trotter "Dave", although Richard actually is genuinely wicked. I've found the Trigger thing funny for 20 years though, so I'll get a week more out of Dickie.

Glyn also nominates Pete, "Cos sometimes he shouts 'shut up!' at me." Glyn pauses and thinks, "I don't think this is Tourette syndrome, is it?"

There appears to be a bit of argy-bargy between Glyn and Pete over Jennie. Jennie has spent the entire week snuggled up to both of them and giving them little kisses and hugs. "Can we be friends for ever, Glyn? When we get out will you come and stay at my house?!" Jennie said last week, "We'll have fun and do fun things."

Awww, how sweet! A weekend of fun for just Glyn, Jennie…and Jennie's cage-wrestling boyfriend. I hope they lock the bloody cage. Or maybe Glyn enjoyed having his dinner put in a blender.

Imogen, who is dressed like her hero mime artist Marcel Marceau, nominates Richard for making a joke that she blocked the toilet. She also nominates Pete for leaving skid marks on the loo, licking plates, eating things from the floor and ignoring her. With the numbers now depleted, Pete's reign as house Messiah seems to be dwindling.

Obviously, Pete will still win, despite doing nothing of any great interest for ten weeks aside from being "brave" and wearing a BO-ridden singlet.

And Pete's got a crush on Nikki now, too, so we can spend the next week watching them falling in deep, sincere love, which is no way connected to Nikki securing any more red-hot celebrity magazine exclusives.

Blimey! I've just thought! Pete could be in Nikki's new E4 reality show, too! A bit like Preston in Chantelle's Living the Dream! (Chunders copiously over keyboard, wipes best away, carries on typing.) Aww, that would be great, wouldn't it? Double whammy. Hopefully Pete can maintain the same amount of dignity that Preston from the Ordinary Boys did in January when he ended up starring in OK! magazine, sat on the back of a camel wearing deck shoes and a blazer in a "Chantelle and Preston go on a romantic break" exclusive.

I'm sure that inwardly Preston was "kicking against the system in the name of the kidz" even if he was dressed like Robert Maxwell. When Pete gets a glossy magazine restyle, I hope they incinerate that singlet and those weightlifter trousers.

Jennie nominates Ash for looking at her funny when she was drunk and for taking her stuff without asking. Jennie also nominates Imogen for talking about facemasks and not enjoying Glyn's black-pudding-stuck-in-the-teeth joke.

God, Jennie is so…nothing. And she's got an assured ticket to finale night already. The show just gets better and better.

Pete nominates Imogen for being dull and "too wrapped up in the way she looks", which is deeply ironic as he wears more make-up than her, restyles his hair every week and spends a vast amount of time gazing at himself in every mirror. Pete also nominates Glyn for farting.

Richard nominates Ash for her whole week of being very, very drunk. He says she's emotionally all over the place and over-dramatic. It's a fair point. Ash has been a staggering, babbling mess. "Wow, the next one is like, really hard… I think it will have to be Imogen," says Richard. Apparently, Imogen has been popping her zits in the mirror and leaving Richard to wipe away the pus.

Imogen and Richard are up for the public vote on Friday.

Quick, everyone, rush and vote! Sadly, it doesn't all go to good causes this time, but never mind all that, it will be great to see Richard or Imogen go…y'know, even if it turns out that they're able to be voted back in again on Monday. Quick, vote now! Vote twice!

In the studio with Davina stand ten evicted housemates waiting for a chance to go back inside. They remind me of that line-up The Hopefuls on Channel 4's show The Word back in the 90s who'd literally "do anything to get on television".

Thankfully, no-one has the bright idea of making Jayne lick an old man's armpit, as keeping in mind that Michael went on Big Brother's Big Mouth on Friday and promised to have sex with Richard if he goes back in, thresholds of dignity are rather low.

Jayne is dressed like a dominatrix. Sam looks like Jermaine Stewart in Norris Cole from Coronation Street's flat cap. Lea has cracked out the Twilight Teaser sheer lipstick. Nikki is wearing gold shorts so small you can make out the outline of her genitalia. Mikey is doing his "raise the roof" hands, which he now appears to believe is his trademark, although I didn't notice him do them once in the ten weeks he was in the house. Grace is just standing there silently being Grace: pleasant looking, smiley, nice enough: to look at her you'd never really know.

Grace, Nikki, Lea and Mikey are put in the secret house. Now, if we could just turn off all the cameras and leave them there, play-acting their hearts out for nobody's benefit, I'd find that truly entertaining.

"If you've got summat to say, then say it to me face, like, don't go about saying it behind me back" - grace.dent@bbc.co.uk.

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Who does Grace think will make it to the bitter end of Big Brother? Find out her fantasy finalists in the new issue of Radio Times magazine, on sale now.