MIKEY ISN'T AN IDIOT BY ANY MEANS, BUT HE BEHAVES A LOT LIKE ONE IN FIGHTS.

Don't be sayin' dat

"I don't like it without Big Brother," says Ash, thickening up her eyelashes for another big night in. "It's sort of creepy." "Aye know, babes," says Imogen, her voice echoing through the growingly deserted house.

There's just over two weeks left till the finale. The Big Brother house has the atmosphere of the dying embers of a wholly average house party, where all the supplies have run out, the toilet's blocked and there's a 23-day wait for minicabs home.

Imogen, Mikey, Susie and Jennie are up for eviction this Friday. If I'd had my way, I'd have booted out Mikey weeks ago. Possibly around day 13 when Mikey was so complicit with Sezer and Grace about harassing Aisleyne the new girl.

After all, the girl had literally just jumped out of her box. "She's a hood rat! She's a ghetto ho!" Sezer ranted about Ash, "She's a little tart who's pulled herself up from the ghetto. She had a bit of attention and now she thinks she's it! She's got opinions on everything! Well, I'm going to bully her. I'll make her walk."

And it wasn't what Mikey said, it was what Mikey didn't say. He just stood there sniggering. Mikey was deeply comfy with his role within "the Plastics", and I'm not usually one for joining in with national nicknames, but this one fitted like a glove. Watching Imogen, Grace, Sezer and Mikey weigh each other up from day 1 on looks alone, then quickly form a mean-spirited little clique was like revisiting 80s teen movies like Heathers or The Breakfast Club.

While Grace was the bitchy homecoming queen and Sezer was King Jock, at this point Mikey was just a bit-part Plastic lurking in the background of scenes, not getting many lines, but sniggering and relishing their cruelty.

The first time I saw Mikey properly speak was on day 15 when he suddenly appeared in an argument between Sezer and Richard, blurted out a load of insults he'd overheard Richard say about Imogen and then, as the house descended into shouting and tears, lurked back into the shadows wearing a small, self-satisfied smirk.

Once Sezer had territorially sprinkled around Imogen, Mikey was left with Grace. For Mikey, this was marrying upwards, as girls of Grace's class wouldn't mix with him in the outside world. Now with his ego vastly inflated, Mikey acted as henchman and apologist for the house's most poisonous woman. "Da matter's over!" Mikey told Susie bluntly as she sat soaked with water after Grace's little eviction night "prank". Clearly it wasn't Mikey's decision whether the matter was "over", but he continued to argue the point.

Jennie and Mikey could argue about "the kitchen comment" until the end of eternity or one of them simply keels over and dies

Whenever I see Mikey arguing - and this is all the time nowadays - it reminds me of one of my favourite Chris Morris sketches from Jam about the "stupid-person arguing service". "I provide a service dispatching stupid people for the things they're best at," the office worker tells the camera, "Like winning arguments: stupid people are great at winning arguments because they're too stupid to realise they've lost."

In this sketch, you could hire someone to fight, say, your parking ticket appeal, and they would tirelessly and bamboozlingly argue a nonsensical point for hours on your behalf, until the other side just gave up.

Mikey isn't an idiot by any means, but he behaves a lot like one in fights. Just say, for example, Ash gets into a spat with Mikey over "who drank the last of the milk", so they both begin bickering and she snaps and says something innocuous like: "Oh, whatever, do what you want! Just go away, Mikey! Get out of the kitchen!"

Et voilà: now Mikey has his foothold in the argument. Mikey could argue about that "Get out of the kitchen" line for hours and hours on end: "Don't be sayin' dat dis is your kitchen! Don't do dat, you can't be sayin' dat. It's not what you said, it's dah way you said it. Yooo said to me get out of the kitchen! Well, I'm saying to yooo that you don't have the right to say dat dis is your kitchen and…"

Two hours later, everybody has forgotten about the lack of milk, but it has been established that nobody has the right to tell Mikey to get out of the kitchen. Nobody! Mikey has won the argument.

Of course, this technique only works until Mikey comes across someone like Jennie. Jennie argues in the same baffling way as Mikey. The pair could argue about "the kitchen comment" until the end of eternity or one of them simply keels over and dies.

Big Brother announces that he is back! His trip to Margate was apparently "satisfactory", although his chirpy voice suggests he had a bit of a knees-up and maybe even copped off with someone.

The loo is overflowing and the boys are considering scooping out "bits" with their hands. The womenfolk are depressed and missing home. The automated-response keypad is broken from Glyn bashing "6" and "9", then almost soiling himself with glee. The floor is covered in cake and Mikey and Jennie are in the garden about to strangle each other over a missing glass of putrid vin de table.

Big Brother may have been desperate for a break, but it'll be a long time before he leaves his charges home alone again.

Have I got poor Mikey all wrong? Mail me on grace.dent@bbc.co.uk.