Radio Times

Towards the end of The Commander, which cast a long shadow across three nights on ITV1, Commander Clare Blake of New Scotland Yard shook her head as tears filled her eyes: "Why did I do it… why did I do it?" I'll tell you why you did it, Clare. You did it because you're an idiot.

Clare Blake must be the daftest TV police officer in history: previously, she's had sex with suspects in murder investigations; in this opus she snatched back a child she thought was stolen, only to find - hey ho, what do...

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As a rule, the best reason to watch a BBC Dickens adaptation is to see the pride of British character acting in full sail, and on that front, Little Dorrit has not disappointed.

The script is full of galloping eccentrics; so much so, you start to wonder if writer Andrew Davies misread the brief and took his inspiration from Little Britain. This is good news for some of the cast, as it means they can weigh in with performances so deliciously hammy they might as well be honey roasted, covered in breadcrumbs and served with slices...

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I felt sorry for Steve Rider after the Brazilian Grand Prix (2 November ITV1). It wasn't just that sport's blandest anchorman had the job of winding up 11 years of ITV's Formula One coverage as they handed the sport back to Rider's old employers, the BBC.

ITV's swansong had turned out to be the most nail-biting drivers' championship climax ever. (Lewis Hamilton had won it! No, wait, he'd blown it! No, he'd won it! On the last bend of the last race! Unbelievable!) As a result, they got a huge audience and went out on a...

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After watching the exhausting, excruciating Gordon Ramsay: Cookalong Live (24 October, Channel 4), I became convinced that Ramsay should never again be allowed anywhere near a kitchen activity that necessitated the use of the words "toss" and its cousin "tosser" (as in salad), "knob" (as in butter) and "nuts" (as in, well, nuts).

The problem was that there was a lady present (Patsy Kensit, who was cooking along with Ramsay in the studio) which turned an already febrile, leering, markedly over-excited Ramsay into an unappetising mixture of Just William and Benny Hill. I wouldn't have been in...

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There are times when Coronation Street comes up with conceits of such brilliance that even those of us whose devotion has cooled over the years fall in love with it all over again. Take the idea of spreading the events of one torrid night over an entire week's electrifying episodes, culminating in the murder of Liam Connor by his love-rival Tony.

It worked beautifully, scaling heights of apprehension and dramatic irony as Carla, that bruised fallen angel with the Lady Penelope cheekbones, had to decide whether to go ahead with her marriage to suave, coal-eyed Tony,...

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Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. The much-loved franchise that started out as Big Cat Diary in 1996 and later became Big Cat Week had a dubious upgrade this year to Big Cat Live (5-10 October BBC1), coming to us nightly from a camp in Kenya's Masai Mara game reserve.

So this was essentially Autumnwatch in Africa. On presenting duties, Simon King got boyishly excited every time we saw live night-time footage. "This is live, ladies and gentlemen, let me assure you: this is happening as I speak!" he'd say, as if...

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It won't be long before BBC business editor Robert Peston's appearances on the ten o'clock news are heralded by muffled bells as Huw Edwards reads WH Auden's Stop All the Clocks in his most sonorous voice.

Peston has become a cult figure, the black-bordered, credit-crunch pin-up, with his own blog and hefty profiles in posh newspapers. His worried little face should be featured in a special-edition print of Edvard Munch's The Scream, that icon of silent despair - now there's a tea-towel design I'd love to own.

Peston is terrifying because he's so closely...

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Sorry, Heroes fans, but I'm going to have a go at your precious great lump of a series. Prepare to shed inky-black tears. Prepare to write in to leap to its defence and tell me I don't understand, that I've missed the point. Only don't bother. You're right - I don't.

Throwing a rotten tomato at Heroes (Wednesdays BBC2) is, of course, hopeless: the show will just freeze time, step aside, grab the tomato out of the air and stuff it down my trousers before I can blink. That's more or less what happened in the...

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The triteness of The Dark Side of Fame with Piers Morgan (Mondays BBC1) is mesmerising. Week after week it's like taking a bath in the banal, something that should be horrible, but which is actually rather soothing. "Hey, you, person watching at home," The Dark Side of Fame says, "you think your life is tough but you haven't been married four times like Jim Davidson and you didn't torpedo your TV career by making homophobic remarks on a reality show." We at home, on the other hand, merely wave a wearily dismissive hand as we ask, "Who the...

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Women love Bruce Parry. And I don't mean just those who gush "Bruce is HOT!!!!" on websites. I mean the tribeswomen who always greet him with unalloyed joy. In the first episode of Amazon with Bruce Parry (15 September, BBC2), he stayed with a sweet, accommodating family in Peru's High Andes. The matriarch beamed at his arrival, presented him with charming hand-knitted accessories, then sobbed when he left. The women featured in Parry's previous series, Tribe, always cried at his departure, too, and who could blame them? He was genial, respectful and he loved helping around the house....

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Will we ever grow tired of watching celebrities doing things they're not very good at? After ballroom dancing, performing circus tricks etc, we've now had Soccer Aid (7 September ITV1) and the Maestro finale (9 September BBC2) in the space of a few days. Soccer Aid, a charity game featuring showbiz stars and former football legends (plus Jamie Redknapp), was rich with moments that made you rub your eyes. I never thought I'd live to see Angus Deayton skinned by Luis Figo, or Alan Shearer heading a goal courtesy of a lovely cross from the McFly guitarist Danny...

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The Hairy Bakers are like two dull uncles at a children's party. You know the type: ebullient to the point of embolism; tediously cheerful; and telling bad gags and doing tricks with a 50p piece, before hitting you over the head with a rolled paper. For fun.

I've sat through a couple of episodes of The Hairy Bakers (Mondays, BBC2), and both times I fully expected either Dave Myers or Simon King (like Ant and Dec, I don't know which is which and I don't care) to reach out of the screen and give me a playful whack across the...

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I knew I'd seen enough when I fell off the sofa. But that's the trouble when you're rigid with horror - your muscles just won't react as you see the floor looming up to meet you.

Once I'd dusted myself off, I returned to the Olympics 2008: Closing Ceremony (24 August, BBC1). The ceremony wasn't awful - not the Chinese part anyway, which was mellifluous, colourful, wonderfully choreographed and just generally gorgeous. Who could fail not to be captured by the brilliance of that tower, with its tumbling acrobats? No, it was the British bit, our eight precious minutes...

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In Radio Times magazine I recently foreswore The X Factor on the grounds that if I took just one hit, I would be hooked. You know what I'm going to say next.

Largely because I couldn't be bothered to switch channels after a particularly bracing You've Been Framed, which featured many delicious and painful-looking mishaps involving skateboarders (always my favourites), I drifted into The X Factor, girded by a nice bottle of prosecco.

Of course, that's it. I might as well be chained to the immersion heater every Saturday night from now until...

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