Radio Times

Well, all in all I think that was a satisfactory outcome. Of the five finalists, the two most deserving were first and second, and in third place was Sara, who I've found extremely entertaining. Yes, you could argue it's a travesty that Rex made it to the final, but I suppose even I have a grudging acceptance that he created some necessary conflict. Either way, Rachel winning does a lot for my faith in the humanity of BB viewers.

Because, unlike some people, I think Rachel really is a nice person. I think she actually is...

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Following last night's shock double eviction - who could have predicted Kat's exit? - we're now voting for a winner. I thought a quick recap of the remaining contestants might be in order…

Darnell

Says: "It's so hard for me, man" and "That's bulls**t, dude!"

In brief: Sort of the opposite of Michael Jackson, Darnell is an outspoken albino musician who wishes he had darker skin. When not enjoying a three-hour-long jamming session in the bath, antihero Darnell can be found tackling injustice and the inherent phoniness of his fellow housemates.

Why...

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Darnell, Darnell, Darnell. What were you thinking? You were my favourite housemate for a long time. And then, after you started flying off the handle at every little thing, you were still one of my favourite housemates. And then, even when you went power mad as head of house, I found ways to defend you. But now…well, now you've really blown it, dude.

You've blown any chance you had of winning that 100 grand you've become so obsessed with, but most of all you've lost the chance for the thing you really, really crave - respect....

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Nicole is upset. She doesn't want to be known as just Rex's girlfriend. She wants to be part of the group, friends with the other housemates. Yes. The people she refers to as "they". People like Sara and Mo, for whom she can't spare a cigarette. People like blind Mikey, who is unable to follow simple dance steps even when she gives him explicit instructions like "do this, then go like this".

Nicole and Rex have a lot in common. Neither ever spares a moment's thought for anyone but themselves. They both think they are...

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Mikey v Rex

I don't know if you ever saw the classic 70s kung fu series, er, Kung Fu, but newly bald Mikey, in his billowy gold robes, clutching his cane, really reminds me of blind Shaolin monk Master Po.

And indeed, head of house Mikey is inspiring respect and teaching discipline as did the Shaolin master. To ensure the housemates don't fall asleep on the job, he uses a subtle blend of water torture and shouting. So he's the last person you want to give a megaphone to.

Ever...

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Romance 3/5

Rex's girlfriend Nicole is the new face in hell, and the way he's been pining after her up until now, you'd think it would have been a happy reunion. But no. As Mikey said, "I don't honestly know what would make Rex happy."

Since Nicole arrived, Rex has gone from soppy hand-holding across the divide, and an obsession with what Nicole is thinking, to directing paranoid abuse at her. Yep, that's one romance that is definitely on the rocks. Meanwhile, though, another is blossoming. Well, sort of…

Earlier in the week Darnell experienced "an embarrassing moment,...

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Rex, lies and videotape

This week, the heavenly housemates were treated to a cosy night in front of the telly - and their fellow contestants' audition tapes made for very interesting viewing.

Since then, Rex has been relentlessly abusing certain housemates for their crimes against humanity. But only certain housemates, you may have noticed…

Mild-mannered Rachel has borne the brunt of Rex's ire - for pretending to be more bubbly than she really is. That tart Maysoon deliberately stroked her arm to look sexy (her decision to quit the house last night is...

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Task 2/5

"Ooh, heaven is a place on earth," sang Belinda Carlisle, and she was right. So is hell. Who knew they were both located in Borehamwood?

In hell this week, the housemates have had very little with which to amuse themselves, other than peeling onions and turning off alarm clocks. In heaven, they have a swimming pool, luxury food and alcohol, yet their entertainment consists of watching Bex lick Luke's armpit. And worse.

As we know, Bex is very, very annoying. But she's also rather a sad figure, having decided that...

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Paul phoned: he wants to say "Hola!" to you. RT's Big Brother expert is in Spain, pretending to be getting away from it all but, come on: he was beside himself when he heard that the housemates were cycling to Madrid.

Does Paul know the housemates or what? He told me to make sure I watched out for Luke and Bex, that I try not to be caught up with Rex's arrogance. And obviously he wanted me to phone the eviction line for him many, many times.

I did know who the housemates are: you can't...

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New housemates 4/5

When Big Brother "let slip" that three new females would be entering the house this week, I was excited. Not because the prospect of ogling new women has the significance for me that it does for poor incarcerated Dale, Rex and Stu (I live in the outside world and can ogle women whenever I want). No, I was intrigued by the claim that one of the new arrivals would be an Angelina Jolie lookalike. And, sure enough, Australian Sara has largish, vaguely pouty lips, a face, arms and legs.

I'll tell you...

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Controversy 4/5

"You-wouldn't-like-it-if-I-went-an'-put-your-stuff-in-the-bin-so-can- you-go-an'-get-my-stuff-out-of-the-bin-that-you-put-in-the-bin- 'cos-you-got-no-right-to-touch-my-stuff-and-put-it-in-the-bin".

Gah! Bex's Vicky Pollard-style verbal machine-gunning is enough to make you want to put her in the bin (preferably just as the dustcart is pulling up outside). And the vengeful mutilation of Mohamed's lovely pink belt after he supposedly smoked her last scrap of tobacco was going a bit far.

But at least it's something happening - that would be what Bex and Jen would say. They've been bitching incessantly about how boring everyone is and how they want the fun people back. You know, like that infuriating...

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In this week's round-up, a new man enters our lives, and Rex and Mohamed find themselves in hot water after discussing nominations…

Romance 2/5

So the biggest news of the last seven days was the arrival of hunky, pretty new housemate Stu. It certainly marked the end of any chance Dale might have had with Jen. Did you see her reaction when Stu walked through the door? Her jaw dropped, her eyes lit up and a ravenous smile stretched across her face. It must have taken every ounce of self control (of which Jen has plenty)...

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Controversy, tasks and a limp excuse for a romance. Here's how we rate the second week in the Big Brother house.

Controversy 4/5

So, Alexandra threatened to set her "gangster friends" on whoever nominated her for eviction - and got herself chucked out for doing so. It's definitely controversial but without actual physical violence or the insertion of an inappropriate object into a housemate's orifice, I don't think we can give it 5 out of 5.

Despite everything, it's a bit of a shame Alexandra went. I found her stupid argument-making kind of entertaining...

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Each week in our bias-free blog we rate the events of the past seven days in categories like controversy, romance and tasks. Let us know what your weekly highlights are too.

Controversy 3/5

Alexandra's aggressively sweary reaction to Rebecca's doomed attempts to cook oven chips was relatively minor compared with the mass brawls of earlier series or Emily's ejection last year for using a racial slur. Then again, Ofcom did receive over 350 complaints about the incident, and Bullying UK (it's actually an anti-bullying charity rather than a social group for bovver boys, like it sounds) called on...

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