Radio Times

The premise of Deal or No Deal, for anyone that's been living in a cave for the past year, sounds much like a question in an A-level maths exam. Twenty-two identical boxes containing 22 different sums of money are distributed between 22 cash-hungry punters who await their opportunity to become the player.

The player, without knowing what their own box contains, must open each of the others in the hope that they won't eliminate the higher cash prizes (thus prolonging the possibility that their box contains the biggest prize, £250,000).

At regular intervals they will receive a...

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Murder is the cosiest commodity on the box and a visit to the picturesque county of Midsomer on a Sunday is the televisual equivalent of sweet tea and diamond-print sweaters on a winter's evening.

Can you imagine if it was called Midsomer Muggings or Midsomer Burglaries? Hardly the same rosy glow. No, a good slaying keeps us all sated.

John Nettles stars as the stolid and dependable Inspector Tom Barnaby, a man whose mouth is set in such a grim line of rigidity that you suspect he's moonlighting as a ventriloquist when off-duty.

Mass killing never...

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When it comes to Neighbours, it's more socially acceptable to admit an addiction to, say, Pot Noodles, or Lambrusco. There's no debate around the watercooler for the Neighbours fan. No discussions on the bus. No Christmas Day special. Neighbours is a lonely pleasure.

It's the Cinderella of soap operas - never seen at glitzy TV awards shows, unaccountably snubbed by every magazine's soap round-up, as if watching Neighbours might be somehow grubby, embarrassing, even suspect. As minority an interest as nude morris dancing.

Yet "fan" is too small a word for us loyal underground viewers....

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I'd rather brush my teeth with a dog than own one. Your pooch could have been to Swiss finishing school and be able to administer its own breath mints, but still it wouldn't be welcome in my home. Sorry, dog people, but I'm not a fan. So how did I come to adore a programme about exasperated owners trying to reform their miscreant mutts?

It's like this: It's Me or the Dog is not for dog lovers. Oh, no. Just as You Are What You Eat is ignored by the fat and cherished by smug skinnies, the attraction...

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No country jails its citizens with as much enthusiasm as the United States, and while the restorative effects on society of putting a percentage of the population out of harm's way have yet to be satisfactorily demonstrated, there is one clear and undeniable benefit: America is the world leader in prison dramas, the greatest dramatic genre of all.

A confined space is the ideal location for drama to flourish, especially when certain individuals are eager to make the experience as unpleasant as they can for everyone else.

Like all good prison stories, Prison Break is not just bad...

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The average soap opera is about as accurate a portrayal of real life as Scooby Doo is actual detective work.

Coronation Street might be good for the occasional giggle, but the impression it gives of modern Mancunian life is by comparison to reality so saccharine sweet it might as well be the setting for the Mr Men books.

In Hollyoaks it seems you only need to be 13 to run your own highly successful take on The Gadget Shop, and as for EastEnders? Well, the Fowlers might as well be the Munsters for all the relevance...

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Jack Bauer is the government agent with extreme time-management issues from the nail-biting show 24, who solves most problems by killing people. He's so good at it that he's now regarded as the main cause of death among terrorists in America.

He can be found either growling to himself like Mutley, saying "dammit" and "sonofabitch" under his breath, or yelling at a bad guy to "Holster your weapon!" When he combines the two approaches, it is to cajole innocent computer geeks to help him stop California from being blown up: "You have got to help me."

This man...

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Torchwood. It's an anagram of Doctor Who. But then so is Hot Rod Cow or Hot Cod Row. You can see why they chose Torchwood. (Imagine a drama about bovine drag racing, or fish arguing heatedly. Don't worry, the way things are going, they'll happen?probably on Five.)

So it's the X-rated, post-watershed Doctor Who spin-off; but beside Captain Jack, David Tennant's hand in a jar and some mumbo jumbo about time rifts, Torchwood is its own beast.

Yes, it's daft - gloriously daft - but it's also racy, glamorous, well acted, lovingly produced, cleverly scripted and flipping sexy....

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I love wildlife programmes. There's something about the survival-of-the-fittest law of the animal kingdom that, while fascinating to watch, makes it reassuring to be human. That's why I tune in to observe the behaviour of the species they call "celebrity" (sadly, far from endangered) dwelling in an antipodean jungle for three weeks of each year.

Here they have migrated, stripped of all essential amenities (ie their bi-weekly spray tan and lunch at the Ivy with their agent) to brave the elements and battle it out for the crown of king or queen of the jungle,...

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TV bigwigs have tried various ruses over the years to fill up the British night-time schedules.

Footage from provincial nightclubs of underdressed gyrating teens, live coverage of mind-bending American sports, Prisoner Cell Block H - they've all failed to sustain the interest of that very unique demographic, a curious mixture of drunkards, insomniacs and warehouse security staff. But recently, a winning idea has been hit upon: quiz night.

Whether it's called Quiz Call, iPlay, The Mint, Cash Call or any number of variants on the theme, the concept is identical: a four/five hour show, presented by a...

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In my head, there is such a thing as Social Assistance TV. These are the kind of programmes that feature characters much worse off than you. No matter how rough a day you've had at work, your world will never be as adversarial, doomed and claustrophobic than theirs.

After all, these are people who can only socialise in one pub, one curry house and one atmosphere-free wine bar. People who never take holidays besides visiting former neighbours. Who never learn from their mistakes. Compared to the pocket universe that's EastEnders, we're laughing. It really is a...

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Doctor Who has been going, far more off than on, since 1963. Lots of people loved the show in those earlier days and there was a name for those people. Fans. There was another name. Whovians. Or, if you preferred: total nerds.

That's just the way it was. You loved Doctor Who pre-2005, you were a nerd. You just got on with your life, remembering the name of the head Zygon (Broton) and playing with Tom Baker and Leela dolls without telling your friends.

Then the series came back, after a 16-year hiatus. Christopher Eccleston was the Doctor,...

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If there's a single sound more soothing than David Attenborough's voice then I've yet to hear it. It's like a wind chime troubled by a baby's first breath, a verbal muscle relaxant designed to wedge you that few inches further into your sofa. When married with the stunning photography found in Planet Earth it's a veritable tummy rub (by a man with marshmallows for hands).

Of course, we're used to Attenborough documentaries transcending all others. He has, after all, been perhaps the world's most eminent naturalist for upwards of 30 years and he's made many of the greatest...

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(originally posted December 2006)

The nights are dark and chilly now and panto season is upon us. This yuletide entertainment is a treat relished by families everywhere, but there's no need to visit the theatre to join in the shouts of "he's behind you", because a pantomime fix is provided all year round by the brilliant and colourful cast of fairy-tale characters appearing in the most chirpy soap opera on TV - Emmerdale.

Poor old Baron Hardup, otherwise known as Rodney, is trying to rebuild his lost fortune. Ugly Sisters Diane and Val...

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