Radio Times

Don't piddle on Judge Judy's feet and tell her it's raining. Because "Stupid" isn't written across her forehead and because, I guarantee you, if you live to be 100, you'll never be as smart as she is today.

These are just some of the ripe put-downs and fabulous Judyisms that she uses to strip away any foolish litigant's attempts at getting one over on her. She’s a tenacious, truth-seeking rottweiler, fixing defendants with a gimlet gaze that would make a hard man feel like a schoolboy, and a cocky schoolboy wish he’d never been born.

Her tactics are simple: first, zero in on the attitude -...

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If you're not yet acquainted with this daytime TV jewel, then let me do the honours. Diagnosis Murder is an absurdly cheerful American daytime crime drama starring Dick Van Dyke as Dr Mark Sloan. He's an avuncular physician slash sleuth with a silky white side-parting you could ski down.

Van Dyke stars alongside his real-life son Barry who, conveniently, plays his cop son, Steve Sloan. In each episode the Sloans happen upon a death. Could this be foul play, they ask? It always is. It's a neat, if nepotistic, set-up.

Diagnosis Murder became a BBC1 daytime staple in the late 90s and never left. Even though it...

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A good cliffhanger should reward you for a year's devoted viewing and leave you salivating for a few months in anticipation of its outcome. Here is a top-five run-through of the TV moments that have kept us on the edge of our seats.

5) Dallas: A House Divided (1980)

When scheming oil supremo JR Ewing was shot full of holes, Dallas producers set the standard for end-of-season climaxes. Suspects included rival Cliff Barnes - played with all the menace of an indignant Daffy Duck - and permanently soused wife Sue Ellen. Turns out it was Bing Crosby's daughter who did it, but this act of trigger-pulling has spawned...

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Over the last half-century, science fiction has provided us with a plethora of well-worn themes and ideas. Some speak to life's big questions - religion, mortality, humanity - some reflect the concerns of the era that produced them, and others are just lovely, silly fun. Paul Jones chooses a few of his favourites.

Aliens

• Aliens do not understand the human concept of "love", yet they are fascinated by it - especially the voluptuous female ones.

• There is something fundamentally inferior about alien DNA: they are obsessed with combining it with human DNA.

• The powerful energy being tormenting the starship crew is really just a spiteful...

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As contentious issues go, this must be right up there with "Marmite is lovely", "David Dickinson is naturally orange" and "I can assure you, that was my winning lottery ticket".

Most people would pick that most iconic of Doctor Who monsters, the Daleks. But they would be wrong. (Told you it was going to be contentious.)

Trundling around on castors, banging on about ruling the universe while noticeably never managing to do so, pronouncing things in syllables - "Doc-tor!", "Ex-ter-min-ate!", "My, what a pre-tty em-broi-dered kit-ten!" - as if swotting for their GCSE English. Opposable thumbs? These guys don't even have opposable sink plungers! As manual dexterity...

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Despite salvaging some pride in the recent one-day internationals, England's Test side had a horrible winter of discontent. But did this national catastrophe dampen the spirits of our British commentators? No, sir. They soldiered on impartially, offering non-partisan and carefully weighed assessments of the action on the field...

I'm joking, of course. Geoffrey Boycott greeted each England error with the wail of a ravenous man whose Yorkshire puddings had been burnt to a cinder; Jonathan Agnew mumbled "oh dear, oh dear" into his chocolate cake; over on Sky Sports, Ian Botham called for some kind of military coup to beseige Lord's and restore order; and David Lloyd coped...

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You more groovy RT-ers out there may be familiar with the concept of the "mash-up": some clever DJ chappie welds together two or more tracks from seemingly incompatible styles to create something that shouldn't work but does, brilliantly. Witness the splicing of rave-granny Madonna's Ray of Light with the Sex Pistols to produce the immaculately titled Ray of Gob - genius.

Simon Pegg has now introduced the idea of the movie mash-up, saying of his latest film, Hot Fuzz, that it's "as if Tony Scott was to guest-helm an episode of Heartbeat". It's not the first movie to get its genres in a twist, though, and while some...

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Dramas about ancient Rome are often guilty of playing up the bloodthirstier aspects of life back then, and the joint BBC/HBO production Rome is certainly no exception. But then I suppose if we viewers wanted to know about Roman technological advances and cultural nuances, we'd be tuning in to Adam Hart-Davis instead.

This historical drama has more corpses per episode than your average crime series. And the ever gorier methods of dispatch make it an ideal substitute for any CSI fan experiencing withdrawal symptoms from their favourite show.

Rome purports to teach viewers about the fascinating historical and political aspects of the period, but who cares when the...

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Had enough of being an identical twin? Need a new face to escape the police? Or simply want your dead lover's ashes added to your breast implants? Then you need Nip/Tuck's McNamara and Troy.

In the glamorous, wealthy world of South Beach, Miami, plastic surgery is the answer to every problem, and surgeons Sean McNamara and Christian Troy are a cut above the rest.

Their prowess isn't limited to the operating theatre either. Over four series, married man Sean has had sexual relations with a patient, a porn star, his son's nanny and one of Santa's elves.

And when it comes to arrogant playboy Christian, well, where to...

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In these darks days of international tensions, wars, dispute and espionage, few common languages remain. One that does, though, is great pop music; a unifying force for good from the Beatles to Britney Spears and from Janis Joplin to Justin Timberlake. If only some of it could find its way into the Eurovision Song Contest.

Unfortunately, one of the few occasions when the countries of our continent come together doesn't allow a little thing like quality to get in the way. This, however, matters not. We don't watch Eurovision to be blown away by stunning compositions - that would be like watching Sir Alan Sugar on The Apprentice...

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Football, as we all think we know, is about opinion. Yet when someone has the temerity to express an opinion they're bumptious, pretentious and getting above their humble station.

This brings us to BBC Radio Five Live's Alan Green, the man who has single-handedly transformed football radio commentary. Once upon a time, back when BBC Radio 2 found itself accidentally anointed as the voice of football, commentaries were delivered in the honeyed but opinion-free tones of dear Bryon Butler or Peter Jones.

Today, Alan Green, blessed with national radio's sternest Ulster accent since Gerry Adams, has more opinions than most. In fact, he's a walking, shouting bundle of...

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As I watched this year's troupe of sacrificial lambs giddily toddle their way into the eighth Big Brother house, I took some time out from wondering how many of them were taught the art of make-up application at clown school to consider just how much of my life the greatest pop cultural phenomenon of our time has eaten up…like a rabid Doberman of meaningless celebrity chewing away at the ticking clock of my existence.

And then I stopped. I stopped because I was scared of the truth. Scared to admit that only last week my flatmate and I successfully named over 100 former housemates in the order by...

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What use a British summer without Wimbledon? More than any other event in the calendar, this tennis favourite sums up everything good and bad about middle England, cramming it into a two-week-long sporting garden fête. The strawberries. The flag waving. The freshly cut triangular sandwiches. The intense anticipation of glory shafted by the crushing disappointment of cruel defeat.

Yes, everything about Wimbledon is England through and through. Except for the winners, they're normally American. Or Swiss.

But it matters not - we don't need to win to enjoy ourselves. We're happy, nay giddy, just to take part and be reminded how awesome victory can be in a sport...

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