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Location, Location, Location

Location, Location, Location presenters Phil Spencer and Kirstie Allsopp
  • Posted at 11:55am
  • 25 September 2009
  • by AlisonGraham-RT

"Hello and welcome to Location, Location, Location. We're the increasingly desperate and disheartened Kirstie Allsopp and Phil Spencer. The forced banter and our supposed sexual tension mask our despair that our househunters are becoming increasingly pointlessly demanding."

Phil: "Here's Tom and Tamara Troublesome and their ill-mannered children Hetty, Banzai and Isambard. Tom made his fortune running a shop that sells nothing but acorns, while Tamara simpers a lot in white trousers. Their dream is to live in a converted doll museum."

Kirstie: "Meanwhile, Izzie and Isaiah Idiotic want to move out of their £6 million penthouse apartment made entirely of crystals and into a more eco-friendly pad constructed from willow and rush matting.

"Izzie is a halfwitted aristocrat who fell in love with Isaiah, a member of an astoundingly stupid farming family, after he accidentally ran her over with a tractor. Izzie runs a hostel for caterpillars, while Isaiah works in the City, but he's so thick he has no idea what his job is.

"The couple have a long list of requirements for their dream home. Isaiah wants a branch line of First Great Western to pick him up at the bottom of the garden and take him to work…if only he could remember where his office is. And Izzie must have room to exercise her two pet gazelles, Mork and Mindy."

[Camera cuts to Kirstie and Phil, who are both crying]. Kirstie sobs into a hanky: "Week after week we show people perfectly lovely homes and there's always something wrong. The gardens aren't big enough, they haven't got the flipping wow-factor or they are too close to main roads.

"Even when we think people have found what they like, they always back out or else ignore us completely and buy something they never even hinted that they wanted. Isn't it time we both packed it in, Phil?"

Phil grins. "Chin up, girl. Who knows, maybe these two couples will be different…"

So here we are in rural Anywhereshire, just five miles from Big Town and a mere 12 miles from Large City. Will Tom and Tamara fall in love with this converted doll museum that matches every single one of their criteria?

Tamara: "I'm sorry Phil, but I'm not feeling anything. And it's so noisy. Just listen. Can you hear that? I'm pretty sure it's the sound of a cabbage white butterfly flapping its wings 15 miles away. No, I'm sorry, I can't possibly live here."

Phil, wearing a crazed smile, fondles a rocket launcher and hands over to Kirstie, who's holding Izzie and Isaiah hostage with a can of petrol and a box of matches. She's shrieking. "What do you mean the garden's too small? Your garden is bigger than the whole of Somerset. In fact, your garden IS Somerset…"

**

Alison Graham is TV editor of Radio Times - read her column in the latest issue of Radio Times magazine, on sale now.

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