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The week in soapland

Priya (Effie Woods), Jai (Christopher Bisson) and Nikhil (Rik Makarem) in Emmerdale
  • Posted at 11:00am
  • 11 September 2009
  • by GarethMcLean-RT

Emmerdale

With all the recent arrivals in Emmerdale, you'd be forgiven for thinking a League of Gentlemen-like New Road had just opened beyond Butler's Farm.

Maybe it has, because who is this but another new face, in the shape of one Priya Sharma. Dressed for an evening out clubbing, this little madam immediately befriends Eli and alienates almost everyone else. The two are, naturally, closely connected.

Priya joins her brothers Jai and Nikhil just as they begin recruiting their sweetie factory workforce, offering the promise of employment to the likes of Lisa, Laurel and Faye. Natasha will be pleased.

While any growing business is welcome in these credit crunchy times, why site a sweet factory in Emmerdale at all? Known for its sour faces and bitter feuds, it's the land of simmering vinegar. So is a confectionery factory an intriguing plot development or merely a merchandising opportunity?

EastEnders

There is something rotten in E20. It isn't the ongoing Sam Mitchell-inspired hostilities between Ricky and Bianca, though those are quite tiresome. Nor is it Syed's attempts to sabotage any chance of Christian's future happiness, though there's something quite stinky about his efforts. Rather, as you, I and Lucas know, it's the festering corpse of tricksy Trina, which finally is discovered by - oh cruel fate! - Jordan and Abi.

Of course, fate gets even crueller when the police discover the connection between the Foxes and the body, and Denise becomes a suspect in her rival's demise. Lucas's face is a picture - Edvard Munch's The Scream, to be precise.

Coronation Street

They say, "Don't cry because it's over but smile because it happened," but I prefer, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out." Magnanimity, after all, is so overrated. Leanne might like to remember that as she takes tentative steps towards Peter, whose capacity for mendacity he clearly inherited from his father. Mind you, she's no angel, so maybe they're a perfect match.

As Ramsay's funeral looms, Norris maintains his studied indifference, much to Emily's dismay. It takes an intervention from Rita to extract even a speck of compassion from the nippy newsagent.

Meanwhile, Jack prepares to leave the Street.

Hollyoaks

Life is rarely straightforward in Hollyoaks, so when it's told backwards it's doubly knotty. Or naughty, as the case may be, given the exploits of Newt, Anita, Lauren and Ste as Gaz makes an unwelcome return to their lives. A trip to the woods is no teddy bears' picnic, that's for sure.

And as Malachy is offered a job in Canada, Mercedes isn't quite so keen on crossing the Atlantic. Perhaps Topshop don't do fur-lined anoraks.

The Archers

by Alison Graham

It's wee George's first weeks at school, which is staggering to anyone like me who always thinks of him as a mewling, dribbling infant. Or is that his dopey dad Will? They are easy to mix up.

George's mum, that little minx Emma, is unhappy that Will's girlfriend, the weird and nervy Nic, is playing an increasingly large role in George's life. Emma objects to Nic picking her son up from school, which seems a bit mean considering that Emma is a characteristic Ambridge parent in that she doesn't take much interest in her offspring.

Grandma Susan Carter has a few words to say on the matter, but then she would, wouldn't she? When has Susan NOT had words to say on any matter? Short of burying her head in sand, like in a Samuel Beckett play, nothing shuts her up. Nothing.

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