Sunday 22 November

BLOGS

blogCategory
Previous
Back to blog
Next

The week in soapland

Dawn (Kara Tointon), Heather Trott (Cheryl Fergison), Manda Best (Josie Lawrence)
  • Posted at 11:30am
  • 21 August 2009
  • by GarethMcLean-RT

EastEnders

Another week, another wedding - or at least an attempt at one - as Walford plays host to the joining of the most improbable pairing you're ever likely to see outside a Heston Blumenthal menu.

Dawn and Garry's big day dawns with only a few clouds on the horizon. But those clouds are of the thunderous sort: the bride's affair with Phil, and Minty's knowledge of said shenanigans; Dawn's unresolved grief over her dead beloved, Jase; Garry's off-putting resemblance to SpongeBob SquarePants… Better bring an industrial-strength cagoule. And wellies. And an inflatable dinghy. And the Red Cross's number on speed-dial.

Most of Dawn's clan arrived in Albert Square in an ice-cream van. (Naturally, none of them but Darren will make it to her wedding.) Now it seems Dawn is set to depart in a similarly undignified way. Maybe not with a flake in her cleavage and a couple of wafers stuck in her tiara, but it'll be uncomfortable all right.

Coronation Street

Who in the world would want to beat up David Platt? Actually, don't answer that: we'll be here all day.

Starting at the top of the long list of possible suspects, the police point the finger at Jason. With Jason having both motive and opportunity, and even Tina apprehensive, might Weatherfield Police for once have the right suspect in their clutches? Don't be ridiculous.

Were this kerfuffle not enough for Eileen to cope with, Jesse moves into number 11, bringing with him his parrot, John. Never mind that John is a daft name for a parrot - we suspect some Wayne or Ford connection - this feathered friend takes an immediate dislike to his new landlady. Might we suggest Eileen exercise her culinary skills? Parrot au vin, anyone?

Meanwhile, Norris issues Ramsay with an ultimatum that has heartbreaking consequences for Emily.

Emmerdale

With John up on an assault charge against a Dingle, Hannah enamoured by a Sugden and Moira upsetting Marlon down the Woolpack, the Bartons are now fully integrated into Emmerdale.

If that weren't enough, when a seductive Holly tries to persuade Aaron to drop the charges against her dad, his condition is that she sleeps with him. Ah, aren't country folk lovely.

Little wonder, then, that Ryan seems set for pastures new, and Pollard is so eager to track down Val that he's packing for Australia. If only she were actually there.

Hollyoaks

If they issued exam marks for scheming, lying, casual cruelty, wanton selfishness and general perniciousness, Hollyoaks would dominate the league tables.

Cindy and Darren would tussle at the top of the class for their work trying to sabotage the Dog; Zoe would fly high for ruthlessness towards her friends in advancing her dubious TV career; and Lauren and Anita, resorting to breaking and entering, would deserve a special mention for ingenuity. Or maybe stupidity.

The Archers

by Alison Graham

What a lot of fuss everyone's made of that fact that Alan and Smugsha are going on a camping holiday. They live in the countryside, so surely they are at least partly prepared for the hazards and privations of rural life in extremis, ie no decent shops and too many toothless half-wits playing banjos.

Smugsha goes all girly worrying about insects. This is happening a lot - not the insect bit but the going all girly. Wasn't she once a highly capable solicitor? Yet she instantly became enfeebled upon marriage to Alan "By 'eck" Franks, the vicar.

Alan, in turn, goes all butch having got back to nature. Oh, and Smugsha, when you return home, do not under any circumstances discuss canoodling under canvas with the unsurpassingly ghastly Ruth, OK? I can't bear the chortling, I can hear it in my nightmares.

Talking of Ruth (sorry, I have to), she's organising one of those deadly "family celebrations" for her dunderhead husband David's 50th birthday. Hands up who'd rather be locked in a coal-hole with Adam than attend such a gathering of poltroons? Yes, I thought so.

Link to this post
Post a comment

Post a comment

Do you have something to say about this post? Share your thoughts…

Post a comment

(first or nickname only)

Please do not include any personal or personally identifiable information about yourself or others (including email addresses). All information you submit about yourself or others can be viewed by others.

Thank you for your comment

Thank you for your comments. All comments will be looked at by a moderator, however, due to the numbers of comments we receive, we can't promise that all will be posted on the site.

Post another comment

More


Advertisement