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The week in soapland

Rodney (Patrick Mower) and Nicola (Nicola Wheeler) in Emmerdale
  • Posted at 1:02pm
  • 31 July 2009
  • by GarethMcLean-RT

Emmerdale

To "Never lick an iceberg" and "Resist hugging hedgehogs", let's now add "Abstain from arguing atop a flight of stairs". They might never have made public information films about such situations, but admonition is nevertheless warranted.

Just ask pregnant Nicola. Ripe as a peach, she engages in a stair-top altercation with Lexi, who, in keeping with Soapland lore, is bitter and twisted on account of not being able to have children. Soon Nicola ends up in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs. Yes, more crumpled than usual.

Curiously, this is the least of Nicola's woes as the days go by. What with Jimmy and Rodney fussing furiously and Carl and Lexi bickering, Nic soon finds herself howling, sweating and scared - and not because of Jimmy's come-to-bed eyes. The moment, then, to call for towels and plenty of hot water.

Meanwhile, Natasha returns from holiday to confront Faye (with a stick of rock, maybe?), and Val makes a list of everyone she's offended over the years.



EastEnders

If you need persuading that the only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby, the prosecution calls Dawn, she who's dallying with Phil.

With Minty issuing an ultimatum and Garry sensing something amiss, Miss Miller faces a choice between doing what's right and doing Phil. Pitiless Phil, however, has other plans and throws a spanner in the works. Well, he is a mechanic.

But if Phil's cruelty persists, can the same be said of Owen? After entreaties from Liz and Libby, Denise visits her ex in prison and finds him remorseful. But will his double helpings of humble pie convince Ms Fox of his redemption?



Coronation Street

The extent of Joe's addiction to prescription drugs becomes apparent after an almighty meltdown, but you can keep your "If you were going out with Gail, you'd be on painkillers" jibes to yourself. It is, of course, Tina we feel sorry for.

Elsewhere, Becky and Steve edge closer to the altar with the purchase of her wedding dress - and we've been here before, so let's not get too excited.

Fiz's engagement to John takes another catastrophic turn, when a churlish Chesney causes chaos at the factory - inflaming Fiz's bad relations with Rosie and Sally. In fact, you wouldn't blame Michelle, who returns this week, for turning on her heel and legging it sharpish - especially after her "welcome home" from Tony.



Hollyoaks

Carmel is struggling to make a go of her salon Evissa and, if you were being generous, you could also describe Cindy and Darren as entrepreneurial in their scheme to fleece Tony and Hannah. But "mercenary" would also apply, as the gruesome twosome's endeavours move up a grimy gear. It's like a humdrum Hustle. On a very limited budget.



The Archers

by Alison Graham

Vicky, Vicky, Vicky - what's your story? You with your collection of teddies and your big, glittery bust. What exactly are you doing with Mike Tucker, an overly pragmatic one-eyed milkman with as much imagination as a magnolia-painted wall?

Mike's planning a second honeymoon (er, haven't they only recently returned from their first honeymoon?) but this isn't wise. Don't put down a deposit, Mike, just in case Vicky pours laudanum in your cocoa before your departure date.

Vicky continues to do nothing right in the eyes of her stepdaughter Brenda and this week tramples on the sacred memory of Sainted Mother Betty. We don't know the nature of this transgression, maybe Vicky wipes her feet on Betty's second-best tea-towel, the one with the pictures of Common British Birds.

Meanwhile, over at The Bull, maudlin Lilian, awash with gin, makes a fool of herself yet again. Lilian, in the words of The Streets, dry your eyes, mate. And at Bridge Farm, Helen is feeling stressed about her busy life. Helen, love, you work in a shop, you're not secretary-general of Nato.

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