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The week in soapland

Owen Turner (Lee Ross) and daughter Libby (Belinda Owusu)
  • Posted at 3:20pm
  • 24 July 2009
  • by GarethMcLean-RT

EastEnders

They might as well put the hospitals - and the police, the fire brigade and the Walford branch of Relate - on high alert now, as there are two celebrations in Albert Square this week, and we all know what a party in E20 entails.

The biggest festivity/catastrophe-waiting-to-happen is Libby Fox's 18th birthday. With an IQ higher than the rest of Albert Square combined, Libby is thrown into turmoil when a message arrives from her estranged, deranged and imprisoned dad Owen, wanting to see her. (He, you'll recall, kidnapped and tried to kill Libby, after abusing and assaulting her mum Denise.) Some birthday present, that. Prison shop all out of bath salts, was it?

And then there's Amira and Syed's engagement do, an occasion tainted by his tormented entanglement with Christian. It's an attraction that shows no signs of subsiding, and even Zainab's meddling in the party planning pales in comparison with the mess Syed's in.

For his part, Christian decides the best way to get over Syed is to go directly out and find someone else…though this is a decision he may live to regret.



Coronation Street

It's said that some people never learn, but that's not strictly true. It's actually most people who never learn. As Fiz keeps secrets from Chesney and Joe's addiction leads him deeper into David's debt, Steve and Becky set a date for the next attempt at their nuptials - two weeks hence.

After her last, disastrous non-wedding, and as if Slug being around weren't stress enough, Becky decides to invite Jim McDonald secretly to his son's big day. Here's a thought: why not ask Michelle to be a bridesmaid and just be done with it?



Emmerdale

Though the paving of the road to hell is widely acknowledged, what's less well known is that the said thoroughfare bypasses Emmerdale by only a matter of miles. So Val doesn't have to travel too far when she attempts to protect her sister from a man she imagines to be predatory.

But the newest Mrs Pollard - never one to do things by halves - unleashes seven shades of chaos, alienates both Diane and Rodney and jeopardises her own marriage in the process.

Elsewhere, Scarlett offers Lexi a lifeline, Cain makes a move on Faye, and Lily fixes her eye on the open road and the back of Eddy's bike. And who can blame her?



Hollyoaks

Sinister though they are, Daniel and Abi are nothing if not resourceful. As Natty reappears in the village, the pair ratchet up the pressure on Ste who, helpfully, is proverbial putty in their hands. Even Mike doesn't seem able to stop the cunning pair as they advance their scheme to land Lucas. If only everyone in the village were as clever.

As Kris, Sarah, Zak and Zoe compete for work in a call centre, it appears that real life isn't quite as glamorous as the graduates imagined. Sherlock Holmes, take a seat.



The Archers

by Alison Graham

Helen the cheese queen - she wears a crown of cheddar and carries an orb of Stilton - tries to drive a wedge (of brie?) between Annette and Jazzer.

The latter, a milkman who seems to be living in a cheap 1970s porn film where housewives greet his arrival in see-through nighties while admiring his gold top, is stringing Annette along.

But Helen disapproves (no, you're right, it's none of her business) and decides to keep him away from Annette once and for all. Crikey! With what - poison? A man trap?

At Home Farm, Jennifer is understandably growing weary of squawking sister Lilian, who is like a woman in a Victorian painting, standing expectantly by a window in a big dress, waiting for her man to come home. But Matt has moved on and is the subject of village gossip once more when he tries to make some quick cash.

Newlywed Vicky continues to fulfil her role of Comedy Working Class Woman, flitting around like a colourful parakeet, upsetting Brenda at her graduation ceremony. So she's not all bad, then.

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