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The week in soapland

Andy Sugden (Kelvin Fletcher) and the Bartons in Emmerdale
  • Posted at 11:30am
  • 10 July 2009
  • by GarethMcLean-RT

Emmerdale

There are unfamiliar faces gracing Emmerdale's highways and byways. Or at least the road to Butler's Farm. Missing the sign that proclaims "Abandon hope all ye who enter here" and ignoring the distant sound of duelling banjos, Moira and John Barton are so enthused at the prospect of their new life that even finding a delusional Andy wandering around the farm does nothing to dissuade them from settling down.

Let us not say, then, that they weren't warned. The Bartons are a happy, hale and hearty family. Let's see how long that lasts, shall we?

Meanwhile, Viv returns a changed woman after her spell detained at Her Majesty's pleasure - but Bob is struggling with guilt over the pleasure he took in his wife's absence. And a mysterious stranger shows an interest in Debbie. An anthropologist, surely.

Coronation Street

When God closes a door, it's said that he opens a window. Unfortunately, said window can often be six floors up with no sign of a fire escape. So, as Fiz and John plan their wedding - the bride will wear white, the groom handcuffs - they run into yet more obstacles.

Becky also finds trouble when Slug declares his undying love, but there may be more to this than meets the eye. Isn't there always?

And as Tyrone surprises Molly with a holiday, Kevin's hand in the planning becomes clear - preferable, one supposes, to Kevin's hands being all over Molly. Not that Molly sees it that way.

EastEnders

It was previously imagined that, upon entering the postcode of E20, it was solely women who were smacked around the head with the stupid stick. Tanya welcoming Max back into her life - and bed - certainly lends credence to that theory.

But Christian and Syed's on/off canoodling also suggests that men aren't immune to irrational behaviour in matters of the heart. Indeed, Syed's vacillations between the catering beefcake and the aloof Amira suggests that he has it bad and no mistake. And what better way to erase a mistake than make another, bigger one?

Hollyoaks

While by no means the ideal dad, Ste doesn't deserve the malign attentions of Abi and Daniel, whose plans for Lucas are unnerving. While Natty and Mike offer various sorts of support to the struggling young father, the malevolent pair change their game plan once more.

And as Kris, Zak, Elliot and Archie discover a windfall at Warren's old flat and Cindy fixes her attentions on Tony's money, Calvin resorts to illegal means to make ends meet.

The Archers

by Alison Graham

Lilian continues to drop fag ash on the carpet as she pines for Matt, so it's up to Jolene to interfere…sorry, to take an interest, when she pops into the Dower House to see how he's getting along.

Not too well. But then, Ambridge's men are never particularly good at falling back on their own resources when there isn't an Ambridge woman around bearing a casserole or a nice cup of tea. (I swear Jill Archer keeps a shepherd's pie in the folds of her skirt at all times, just in case of emergencies.)

Mind you, we don't know that Matt's resorted to eating mice or whatever he can find that's fallen down between the fridge and the draining board. But don't waste your sympathy - neither Lilian nor Jolene has any idea that Matt is working on plans to get himself back into business.

Meanwhile, the wedding war continues to rage as uppity Brenda wonders whether she can bring herself to attend dad Mike's nuptials to Vicky, that intensely annoying woman whose supernaturally jolly demeanour is beginning to chafe.

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