Saturday 21 November

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The week in soapland

Kara Toiton as Dawn Swann in EastEnders
  • Posted at 5:01pm
  • 06 July 2009
  • by GarethMcLean-RT

EastEnders

Whatever it is that Phil dabs behind his ears to attract the ladies - and we're assuming it's not vodka and/or pork scratchings - he should consider bottling and selling it. Now that he's added Dawn to his list of conquests, we can only presume that Phil's pheromones are catnip to Walford's women. It's hardly his sparkling personality, is it?

And though there are few fine male specimens down E20 - the passable ones are either confused about their sexuality, like Syed, or, like Jack, fighting off increasingly demented Mitchell sisters - is Phil really the best a gal can do? Context is everything, I guess.

No wonder Minty's perturbed at his knowledge of his friends' affair - especially considering his own romantic woes with Manda. There's plenty of woe to go round.

While Heather's erratic behaviour finally leads to a confrontation with Shirley, it's nothing compared with Peggy's shock at the return of a familiar face. An unwelcome one.

Coronation Street

Sir Walter Scott had it right when he said: "O what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive." As the adulterous Kevin and Molly get in deeper - even planning a weekend away together - the pair find themselves terribly entangled in a web of lies that threatens to throttle them.

And if their dishonesty doesn't shortly choke them, Sally just might. Those may be knicker-stitcher's fingers, but Mrs Webster could give the Boston Strangler a run for his money.

Elsewhere, David Platt's green-eyed monster rears its head when he learns of Tina and Jason's relationship; and Tony Gordon and Maria's odd coupling takes another curious turn.

Emmerdale

As relations between Natasha and Mark go from bad to worse after an altercation with Faye, there's more proof that money can't buy you happiness. It will, however, afford you more comfortable misery and you have to take consolation where you can. Perhaps that's why Natasha ploughs on with opening the farm shop.

Elsewhere, consolation is in short supply as Lexi seeks solace in a cold Carl's arms after some devastating news, and Pollard announces the factory's closure.

Hollyoaks

As holiday souvenirs go, wedding rings are at the more extraordinary end of the spectrum. Yet that's what Hannah and Darren bring back when they return from Denmark a married couple. She's more sheepish than he is about what's occurred - bringing a whole new meaning to the phrase "blushing bride".

It's not as if there's an abundance of happy couples in Hollyoaks, after all. Thanks in part to Cheryl, Mercedes and Malachy are estranged, while Zak's dream life puts a strain on his relationship with Michaela. And they say that romance is dead.

Warren is certainly dead, however, so why is Spencer getting texts from his brother beyond the grave?

The Archers

by Alison Graham

It's been one of the guiding principles of my life in Ambridge that if Shula Hebden-Lloyd doesn't like it, then whatever it is has to be OK by me. The Blessed Shula, of Sanctimony Cottage, Mortification Road, is a ghastly prig who's unmanned her husband Alastair, the vacuous vet, and turned her son Daniel into a wheedling devil-child.

But - delight! - Shula's nemesis, her father-in-law Jim, arrives to bring her a world of pain. Jim, of course, is an old git, but he should be loved, cherished and applauded for making his daughter-in-law's life a misery. Shula is so exasperated by Jim that she cracks and lays down a few ground rules - here's hoping Jim doesn't push her too far, or I fear she will take away his shoes and tie him to a radiator.

Snivelling Lilian also entertains a rarely-seen family member, her louche and creepy son James, who's probably visiting his ma to go through her handbag on the hunt for tenners, rather than to offer comfort in her time of woe.

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